Thursday, January 22, 2015

A New Saga:

A lot has happened in a very short period of time. I'm going to paraphrase most of it, although it is all overwhelmingly stressful.
This is where I'm at: Feeling like a warrior.
Someone used my EBT card again, without my permission, while I was in the hospital. They used it to buy my son food--which all in all is great, except that my caseworker said that my food stamps are my food stamps and that it is my ex-husband's responsibility to get his stamps. Not to mention it's illegal to steal food stamps. I did not know anyone used my stamps until they told me...and their excuse was that "I'm not doing anything". Which, is pretty hurtful because I feel like I'm doing a lot. Just because it doesn't look like someone is doing anything does not mean they aren't.
The last few days, I've been talking on the phone with my son, mostly while his grandma was in a nursing home (she's home now, which is great). My son is a ham, so it was great to hear him--I just can't see him while I'm in the hospital and my days are filled with appointments besides that (yes, "excuses, excuses": I'm doing everything I'm doing for my son). The first few days was great, even my ex-husband was being nice and helpful. Then, the last day I talked with my son--which was after all the food was bought for them--my ex-mother-in-law is home, both he and she had bad attitudes with me. Just yesterday, I called to get a feel on why I was being treated like trash. It ended up with yelling and a heated argument, basically: I don't do anything and I'm a whore. That really dragged me down, until I talked it out with a few friends.
In the process of all this, I had bought a sedan with the insurance money after my truck was totaled along with different car insurance. Except, that I was talked into putting all of that in someone else's name instead of my own, "because it was easier and cheaper" (my car insurance, at full coverage, would be expensive...blah blah blah). Thinking back, I didn't need to have my car and insurance in their name. Now, I literally have nothing except a few insignificant belongings that have been stuffed into a tiny car that is but isn't mine.
The biggest thing is that this was on my conscious and the next thing is that I feel like I'm doing a lot-- I'm trying to get housing, I'm trying to get a job and I'm trying to stay on my medications--but no one seems to see it. Only one of my friends is telling me how good of a job I'm doing, everyone else is tearing me down. That phone call made me feel like I'm not doing enough. For goodness' sake, I mapped out everything that I'm going to improve on and do over the course of the next year. Isn't that something? Am I not doing well enough? Aren't I worth a pat on the back?
Yes, yes I am doing enough! I am worth it! I am doing a great job! I will not let other peoples actions and reactions rule me. I'm going to fight. I can do this. I have made big steps thus far and every single day I'm doing better.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

I'm getting real annoyed

I just spent another week in the hospital behavioral unit. I'm sick of life stresses. I'm tired of being homeless. I'm done being jobless. This is enough instability. I'm just done.

The psychiatrist took me off one pill and that plus my excitement over going to respite threw off my sleep. So, they add that pull back in. THEN, they discharge me while discontinuing a different pill without telling me. So, I guess it's fine to just stop psych meds all willy-nilly, at random.