Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Today's Update

There are a lot of things happening recently, as always. I didn't read back to see if I posted, but just in case: I was admitted into a behavioral unit for a short while and was given new medications. I'm not sure if there is a new diagnosis, but the original one was anxiety/depression. One thing that I've always noticed about my anxiety/depression is that it gets worse when I'm stressed out. My thoughts start gravitating towards suicidal ideation, which I usually self-admit myself but this time was different. I started the process of getting copies of my medical records sent from the hospital I was admitted to, to my hospital where I usually get my treatments at. I'm not sure if there's anything new in my records from there yet.

I'm homeless and staying at a shelter right now, where my son is staying with my ex-husband. At first, I wanted to stay in my truck but that's not a feasible option. Today, I have a follow up appointment with my case manager to further everything in this process. We are going to work on housing, income and my healthcare.

Next semester starts on my birthday and I will be taking three classes which is, in my opinion, way too many for my brain to handle. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this, especially being homeless and without income; and, if I had a home it'd be easier but then I would need income and working while going to school is just not a good idea. It'd be nice if I could receive disability while attending college, but I guess it doesn't look good for me to try and improve my situation while on disability? I don't know and I should really contact my lawyers about that.

I've been feeling like everything around me is moving, fast and out of my control, while I feel like I'm not going anywhere--if that makes sense. As my friend put it: that airplane feeling, where you feel like you're moving at a snails pace but you're really zooming much faster.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Recap

I get bored during the day, there isn't much to do except wait for my appointments (which are days/weeks apart), wait for the agency that assigns case managers to call me and visit my son. I feel so lazy just sitting around, doing nothing and then it's disturbingly sad that I get overly excited when a friend of mine calls because they need my help with something.

Earlier this morning I wanted to register for classes in the spring but I lost the sheet of paper that tells me which classes I need. I tried to contact the college and they did help me some, I'm just too lazy right now to make the phone calls necessary to find out the classes. After that bought of laze, I searched for agencies within my field of practice and there are a lot more businesses out there than I initially knew about. Now, all I need to do is stop in, fill out applications and also turn in my resume plus cover letter. I hope that I get hired somewhere soon.

Let's see what the past couple of weeks have been like for me...in no particular order, either, I'm just listing as they come to mind...


  • I've been unwillingly subjected to Facebook drama and I don't like it so I ignore it...which doesn't help that my anxiety rises regardless.
  • The agency that is working with me about case management still hasn't called back with an answer, but I still have at least one more week before I need to worry too deeply.
One thing that I can't (or, rather don't want to) add to the bullet list is that I miss my son and I feel he deserves his own paragraph. I know that he misses me, he misses his norm--being with mommy, sleeping at regular times, being kept active, meeting with friends, going places like the park or zoo, etc. I don't understand why any of this is happening (involving CPS) and I don't understand why I don't get a call back from CPS after I've called twice. Nobody has told me anything about what is going on, just my ex-husband and why wouldn't I take what he says with a grain of salt? I did not put my son in danger, I have absolutely no idea who or why CPS was called. What's really baffling is: as much as they want my son to be safe, you would think they would have open communication with the parent they believe is unsafe so that that person could work towards being safe. The best (sarcasm) part about this is that CPS took my son's security away. No one explained to him what was happening. No one told him why it was all happening. He has no idea why he can't go and stay with mommy. Every time I call, every time I come visit, every single time I have to leave--because I can't stay with my ex-husband and son while this ordeal goes on, my son breaks down. My son has a mental breakdown every single time

CPS wants to keep my son safe? So...they do that by damaging his mental health. Good job CPS. But, I'm the unsafe adult here. Pssh.