Monday, September 29, 2014

Mental illness

Okay, I knew I had issues before the accident, but I'm thinking they're more pronounced now than before. I've been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation for years; I don't even know when it all started.

I can tell when I'm close to the edge and knowing that helps me go admit myself before a crisis. One or two months ago I was close to that edge and a few people talked me out of going to the hospital. I wish they had not, I wish they had encouraged me to go for help instead. The plan had always been: if I'm not feeling right, my ex-husband would take the boy and I'd go admit myself. One should not tell a suicidal person "if you go admit yourself, what happens to [son]?" Or anything around those terms--I was scared out of going to get help because "what if?????" And, I shouldn't have been scared out of going when I needed help.

We did not follow protocol. I ended up breaking down in public, at an intersection--I should have hung up my phone, since the call I was on was what triggered me. I was pink-slipped (admitted against my will, for the safety of myself and others) to a behavioral unit. Other things ensued which I'll not share here.

I think I have a personality disorder, which I've been thinking for quite some time but it seems more and more possible as time goes on. I know I need to talk things over with my medical care team, so I'm glad that the hospital scheduled follow-ups for me. I think I damaged my brain a bit more, too (my self-harm is bashing my head on things; i.e. the floor, wall, window, etc.)

Finally, I must say:

Mental illness is a real thing.

When someone is asking for help or looks/acts like they need help: GET THEM HELP.

Don't be an armchair psychologist, don't talk them out of getting help, don't help them by hurting them. Actually help them by getting or directing them the help they need.

I'm still recovering; from both the car accident and anxiety-depression. Hopefully things get better.

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