Sunday, October 27, 2013

I hate my life

I just realized today that I've never really had an actual, in-depth conversation on any specific/important/interesting thing with anyone. Maybe I've had slight conversations with a friend at work, years ago, but he was the one to start it and contributed the most to that conversation, where I would just add my input every so often. Not only that, but I've never really had any significant interest in anything, at all. Most people can pick something: sports, fishing, board games, video games, movies, music, books, etc. Me? Nope, I find nothing interesting enough or even commonly interesting enough, to start, hold and maintain a conversation with nor am I informed on any subject well enough to do so, either. Maybe that is why I can't just walk up to people and start talking to them, I have no valuable or share-able information to give and exchange.

Right now, I have a lot to get off of my mind--I need to talk out what I'm going through with someone--but I have no one to do that with. No one wants to listen to my personal garbage. No one wants to be brought down by what's stressing me. Which would be fine, if they didn't make me listen to their emotional garbage. They spout their garbage at me and it's like the lyric's to Toby Keith's song "I Wanna Talk About Me" go through my head on repeat. It really would be nice if I could get these feelings out and exchange thoughts, ideas and opinions on the matter.

I wish that I was social, that I could make more friends and not be as annoying as I apparently am. I wish I knew why I'm so socially-deficient.

I have not been happy for a few days now, in fact I want to say it's been a week or three.

Hate

I feel better today than I did yesterday. I took my son to the zoo and we had fun. Then, I meant to take him to the mall to let him run around after his nap but we were not able to do that. <-- I had to put the computer down and couldn't complete this post until now (several days later).

This whole past week, since taking him to the zoo, has sucked. Other than the zoo, I meant to take him to a Fall Festival but it was too cold and windy to stay so we just came home. Aside from those two things (the zoo and festival), life has been going hard and fast in a downward spiral. Everything sucks, people suck, events suck, finances suck, everything sucks.

Shoot, earlier this week (after the zoo), I had a conversation with a couple of friends and they did help me a little bit. Now that the week is come to a close, though, I feel somewhat abandoned--like I would like some friendship/communication, something from one or both of them but I know that it's the weekend so I understand they're busy. Also, I know that I'm annoying. All I want to do today is give my one friend the funds for a part for my vehicle so that it can be fixed and I hear nothing... however: friend might be sleeping and I should be more patient...but I'm not, I'm pathetically impatient to get my vehicle fixed.

Then, today (Sunday, October 27, 2013), I went to church for the second time after a three or four week hiatus. The first time wasn't so bad, that I remember. This time, my son got kicked out of church again, albeit "nicely" before service started. So, I expected my friend who also has a toddler to follow what the "Head Usher" had told me and supposedly told her, but she did not. I guess my child is the only one that is allowed to be kicked out of church. Which is fine, because I'm not going back to that church anytime soon if ever. Fuck that noise.

I'm so beyond pissed off right now and it's not just over one thing, like my son being kicked out of church, it's a whole plethora of things that have been happening over the past year that have added up and are overwhelming me right now.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I feel like I lost something

I really do feel like I lost something, though I know that I did not, it's just different.

My son, I had to "leave" him when he was seven months old because of the accident and wasn't able to care for him until he was fourteen months old. In those short seven months, he grew a lot. He accomplished just about all of his milestones and I missed them all. I didn't hear his first words. I didn't see him sit up. I didn't see him learn to crawl. I didn't see his first steps. I didn't start him on solids, maybe jarred baby food here and there but not solids. I didn't give him his first cake. I didn't give him his first birthday cake. He left me as a completely dependent little bottle-fed baby. He came back to me as a toddler striving for independence. I know I didn't lose him. He is my boy, my baby. It's just that: he's not the baby I had to leave. I missed his growing, changing and developing.

From birth to seven months old, he didn't cry for no reason. He didn't have tantrums. He was never upset. My son was a very happy infant. He never cried. Now? As a toddler? Nonstop tantrums--yes, sure it's normal for toddlers to do this, although it doesn't seem like his normal. I don't understand the fits. I don't understand the crying. I don't understand the tantrums. I wish I did. I wish I knew why he ticked, like I used to. He's so different.

Now, I'm depressed thinking about all of that.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Cloth Diapering Drama (excuse my language, btw)

Apparently, there is a lot of drama in the cloth diapering community. Cloth diapering drama is really the equivalent to the drama associated with personal choices in regards to parenting-- not everyone has the same preferences, beliefs, methods, concerns, etc. No one parents the same and no one does their laundry the same. Everything that everyone does is done differently. There is no "right way" or "wrong way"--except child abuse, that's wrong on all levels (and I'm not talking a single-deserved spanking done for discipline and not in anger; I'm meaning abuse).

Back on topic: cloth diapers are just diapers (shit catchers, if you will) and when they are dirty they are just laundry. They aren't special. Cloth diapers are not made of fragile fabrics and if you paid money for fragile diapers you need to reconsider using them as shit catchers. These things go on our children's asses, they're baby/toddler underwear that get shit and piss on. For the life of me, I cannot understand why there is so much drama surrounding cloth diaper laundry.

Joining the cloth diaper community is like going back to high school: cliques, fashions, methods, preferences. Why?! It's laundry! You wash cloth diapers just like any other laundry, maybe even a little bit more roughly since they have urine and feces on them. Use good, strong detergent like Tide, Gain, Arm & Hammer, Era, Wisk, Cheer-- anything that one could find at any store, really (of course, detergents without fabric softeners). Why use "special" detergents? "Special detergents" are expensive and more often than not: useless. Also, use the proper amount for the load size, why use less?! It makes no sense to me to use less detergent on a shit catcher than I would on my own underwear (especially the ones that accidentally have menstrual fluid on them). It's urine and feces, bio-hazard material, stuff that is actually illegal to throw in the trash!

Stop trying to pound your cloth diaper washing beliefs on me and mine! You're annoying me! All I try to do is tell you how detergent works, how bleach works, how "special cloth diaper safe detergent" works. I am certainly not trying to get you to do things my way. When I say detergent cannot build up, it is not opinion--it is hard scientific fact. If you don't believe that: good for you! Just don't try and pound it into my head that "detergent build up is true!!!" I will not fight science and facts with you. I won't. If you don't want to hear science and facts, fine! Just, don't bash me and mine while trying to refute your beliefs and opinions.

Also, when you create your blog post to bash (under the cover of some cloth-diaper laundry propaganda) someone or a group: you ought to use more broad terms than specifically naming them. That's kind of rude, right? Kind of rude like my post right here, don't you think (though, I'm not berating you like you did us)? It's kind of easy to have a blog you moderate comments on, isn't it? Then, you can delete comments/posts that you don't agree with or call bullshit...makes blogging easy, doesn't it?

Really, though, this is how detergent works:
The main and necessary ingredients in detergents are surfactants and the way that they work is they have two ends. The head end is hydrophilic (which means it's attracted to water) and the tail end is hydrophobic (which means it is attracted to grease/oil/dirt). Saying that, if you do not use enough detergent, the detergent you do use will clean as much as it is able/can hold then it is rinsed away--meaning that whatever dirt is left stays and your laundry (or diapers) are still dirty. If you use too much detergent, the dirt/oil/grease is cleaned out and there is left-over detergent if you do not rinse enough--however that left-over detergent will not cause stink, repelling or leaking and will be rinsed away in the next wash.

What about those bubbles I see when I put my laundry (or diapers) in and run a cycle without detergent?
Well there are actually a couple of things those bubbles could be:

  • Agitation-- You know water bubbles when it's shaken, right? Those bubbles disappear quickly, do not stack/climb and do not have a rainbow-sheen.
  • You ever saw tide pools or rocks that waves crash against in the ocean or rapid rivers? Those are caused by the water mineral content, not detergent!
  • Detergent and grime build up in your washer-- Yep, detergent and grime will collect in the space between the drum and casing. Also, it will build up in the agitator should you have one. Did you clean your washer recently? One should clean their washer at least once a month to keep it in good working order, kind of like how we get oil changes on our vehicles.
  • Left-over detergent in the fabric-- It's not build up because it will rinse away in the next wash because detergent surfactants are hydrophilic (will wash away in water) and hydrophobic (only sticks to dirt/grease/oil, will not stick on fabric).
Thus saying: it is chemically not possible for detergent to build up. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Bored

I don't like one of my college classes right now and it's not so much the subject as much as it is the professor. I used to love this subject but now I just want to scrape my eyes out with a rusty spoon than go to that class. I like my other class much better and I think it's because that professor is actually making a subject that I used to loathe, a subject that I actually enjoy going to. I really don't want to go to class tomorrow but I really should. This reminds me, I need to finish up some homework.

Next semester I will be taking three classes, which is great and hopefully I'll be able to handle it. Summer semester I did one class and this semester I'm in two classes...Maybe next fall semester I'll be able to take four classes?

I'm slightly annoyed by some minor things right now but I know things could be worse so it's nothing to panic over. I really do hope that things get easier as time goes on.

...Now to go check out that homework....