Sunday, October 20, 2013

I feel like I lost something

I really do feel like I lost something, though I know that I did not, it's just different.

My son, I had to "leave" him when he was seven months old because of the accident and wasn't able to care for him until he was fourteen months old. In those short seven months, he grew a lot. He accomplished just about all of his milestones and I missed them all. I didn't hear his first words. I didn't see him sit up. I didn't see him learn to crawl. I didn't see his first steps. I didn't start him on solids, maybe jarred baby food here and there but not solids. I didn't give him his first cake. I didn't give him his first birthday cake. He left me as a completely dependent little bottle-fed baby. He came back to me as a toddler striving for independence. I know I didn't lose him. He is my boy, my baby. It's just that: he's not the baby I had to leave. I missed his growing, changing and developing.

From birth to seven months old, he didn't cry for no reason. He didn't have tantrums. He was never upset. My son was a very happy infant. He never cried. Now? As a toddler? Nonstop tantrums--yes, sure it's normal for toddlers to do this, although it doesn't seem like his normal. I don't understand the fits. I don't understand the crying. I don't understand the tantrums. I wish I did. I wish I knew why he ticked, like I used to. He's so different.

Now, I'm depressed thinking about all of that.

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