Friday, August 30, 2013

Pale, numb palms...

Tuesday is when classes started. It rained really bad--like pouring sheets of rain--so I was soaked to the bone and the college is air conditioned. I got to class early and sat down, so all was going well for a few minutes. I'm not sure how long I sat there before my left palm and finger pads when numb and tingly (like when your feet fall asleep, except the pain that's usually there wasn't there...just numb tingling). I thought that maybe it was a circulation problem so I was expecting my fingers or nail-beds to turn blue but they didn't, my hands just went computer-paper-white which was...odd. I sat there for about an hour before my right palm and finger pads when numb, tingly and pale.

After about ten minutes of my hands being pale, numb and tingly, I went into the hallway to call the nurseline and ask about how worried I should be. The nurse told me that I should go to the ED because none of my symptoms were matching up with any of what she had in her system. So, I went down to the office-area-place and asked if my instructors needed anything because I had to go to the ED. The receptionist got worried and insisted calling 911--as much as I understand why, I didn't appreciate it since I was taken to a crappy hospital. At the crappy hospital the nurse or medical assistant (whatever douchebag she was) had a look of derision on her face and scoffed at my answers to her questions. Then, I went back out to the waiting room and since I was shivering from cold chills and moving back and forth trying to warm up, their waiting room attendant told me to sit down. Yeah...No. I walked out and back to college to get my vehicle. It was a long walk.

During the walk, the numb-tingly feeling wasn't as intense by the time I got to my vehicle, so I called the nurseline again. That nurse told me I should go in anyway, just in case, and advised me to be very careful, to pull over as soon as I felt an inkling of not being able to continue driving. By the time I got to the good hospital, the hospital of my initial choosing, my hands were no longer numb, tingly or pale. My feet felt like they were numb/tingly but that was because my shoes and socks were still wet from all of the rain. It was another half hour or hour before the ED doctor came back to see me, but he couldn't figure it out either, especially since my symptoms were gone.

At the good hospital, I was sent back to a large room that was divided up with privacy curtains... so it was several "rooms" in one large room. I was talking on my phone with a friend who decided to be slightly argumentative, so I was responding quietly but harshly. Since I was being harsh on the phone, the nosy hose beast in the "cubicle" next to me flipped open the privacy curtain so that she could see who was talking on the phone. When I looked at her like "WTF are you looking at", she closed the curtain slightly--leaving a small open gap, not sure why--and started talking with her friend about something (completely unrelated to my phone conversation). It was kind of annoying at first, but now it's funny, some people just don't understand privacy...or privacy curtains.

I'll mostly be offline over the next few weeks.

There is so much going on right not that I will more than likely not be online much, if at all. I've got college classes, my new job, starting another job and parenting the Boy. It's just a lot. I barely have time to go to JFS about some important stuff. I'm also getting really anxious because some things are going to be due soon and I don't have the money for any of it. I'm really counting on borrowing from another source, it's a completely bad idea but I really have no other choice...well, I do have another choice: not paying anything, but then that would make things worse.

I have to go help care for a person, as a HHA, but my application won't be accepted for either 30-60 or 60-90 days. At least I get back pay for the hours I'm doing right now (so long as I'm accepted), right? I also found a closer nursing home that I didn't even know was one, but I'm not sure if they're hiring right now--I'll ask, though.

The Boy is doing well. He's got counting down, taking off his shirts and attempting his pants. He does understand the gist of putting his shoes on, but isn't that far yet in that skill. Also, he's impatient when it comes to eating; he'll try his fork and spoon for a couple of bites but gets frustrated and impatient to where he puts the utensil down and uses his hands to shovel food into his face. He makes me laugh all the time.

Hmm. I have Math and English this semester. They aren't that difficult, but it's a lot of work and actually giving me anxiety. I have a voice recorder but the batteries died so I couldn't use it for Math and I ended up crying because the professor was going too fast through the equations and as much as I wanted to listen, I needed to write down what he had on the board. I had a minor breakdown there. After class, I went to the college bookstore and bought batteries for the recorder and was able to use it for English. I'm nervous about Math, though I am doing well. I ended up finishing all of the assignments that are available until next class session, in less than two hours. I missed a few of the questions, but after seeing what the right answer was, I was able to figure out what I did wrong and how to do that problem right--I hope that makes sense.

It's been a busy few weeks, kind of difficult, a little anxiety inducing, but I survived. I'm good at that.

Monday, August 19, 2013


I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I feel bad telling kids not to hit, tap, touch, etc. my head, especially the left side. Over a year later, the left side of my head still hurts. It's not a headache pain, it's physically my head/skull that got bashed into the driver's side window that still hurts--and it's a constant pain which only gets worse when something/one touches or hits it.

I feel like a jerk for saying "please don't (touch) my head," it's such an uncommon and silly request that makes no sense to most people (though most people dont go around touching other's heads). With children, unless they know why they can't touch my head, they think its a game, dare or joke. Today, at church, my BFF's DC tapped the left side of my head and she knows why I asked her to please not do that again, so she stopped. Another church friend's DC heard my request, came over and tapped the right side of my head after I asked the first DC to stop. The second DC didn't know why I asked the first to not do that, she probably thought I was kidding or she was special...I don't know. She was scolded  by her parent. Neither child's actions seriously bothered me, though my head was aching pretty bad. The first DC really touched a sensitive area on my skull, so that started a headache. The second DC didn't touch the injured area of my skull, but she decided to test why I asked DC1 to stop and got scolded herself. It makes me feel bad and I'm annoyed the pain won't go away.

I think I'll remind BFF to tell her DC about my head aching, then tell other church friend so they may tell their DC as well.

Work is going good, though. That's a plus.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

My Boy is turning two in two days.

I'm so sad. Where has the time gone?! How did he go from such a tiny little peanut to such a big little monster?

He's grown so much over the past 24 months, it's amazing and unbelievable. What's really upsetting is that I missed a good portion of that time. I really want that time back. He knows so much now. He's so smart and learns quickly.

Gosh, my little guy...he's growing up!

Friday, August 9, 2013


I wanted to write something but there wasn't anything of much significance that happened today for me to journal about. Then, I'm lying in bed and a memory came to me, which I won't go over because it upsets me to continue thinking about...

I have an injured brain. I am still recovering from a traumatic brain injury, I've recovered significantly but not fully. Some things about me are different and other things remained the same--all due to the massive head trauma I suffered. Knowing that: I cannot say that I am the same. No. I am different. I am a different person post-accident than I was pre-accident.

I am still a good person. I still have morals, sense, honesty, good ethics and values, plus more. I didn't become some awful, mean, heartless creature, I don't lie, cheat, or steal; that's not me.

So being struck by this memory, I thought: a person must truly be ignorant if they think brain-trauma does not cause a person's personality to change. Our brain encompasses all of who we are, how could brain-trauma not affect who we are?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

First day of work!

I start at 5pm this evening, couldn't go to bed early last night (anxiety for today) and woke up early! Great, hopefully I'll be able to nap before my shift. When the Boy wakes up, I'm going to play with him until nap time.

Today should be fun!

ETA (08/07/2013):
The Boy and I had fun today. I forgot about the chiropractor appointment that I had, so when I remembered, we actually played for less time than expected which is sad. Work was pretty dead today so I was sent home kind of early. Although I've worked with this company in the past, I'm working in a different position than before so it was a fun learning experience. I have work again tomorrow and Friday, so that's great.

Talked with my friend today. So... now I'm just kind of bored and probably should go to bed.

Monday, August 5, 2013

I'm amused..

I went and looked at things I had written back in 2011 and my writing's progression (or regression, rather) from then to now. My sentence structure and word usage differs greatly. However, the "crazy" way that I write has, in my opinion, remained the same. I have to read some sentences that I wrote more than twice before I understand what I had meant. My writings amuse me.

Tomorrow, I do not believe that there is anything planned. Hubby has class and I will be home entertaining the Boy. I did not make any phone calls today and I'm not exactly sure why. I must remember to make those calls tomorrow.

I start work on Wednesday! Yay! I've still got a couple of weeks before Fall semester starts, which is great. Hopefully I can get through these classes as well as, if not better than, Summer semester.

I am knitting another wool soaker for the Boy, the pattern is slightly confusing but mainly because my brain is just not operating on this pattern's level anymore. As in, I would have been able to understand it before the accident and now it's just taking me a bit longer to understand it.

I'm going to go to bed now since it's late. Sweet dreams, readers.

I start work...again.

Wednesday I start working, yay. Now, I need to figure out our finances and budget. I really need to reign in my depression which sends me off on spending sprees. Hopefully things will be fixed come December.

The boy is getting so big and he's already super smart. He makes me more and more proud of him everyday. His birthday is soon and I'm excited. We'll need charcoal but I'm sure I'll figure that out before his actual party. Also, I hope my new boss will give me that time frame, at the very least, off.

I have a chiropractor appointment tomorrow. I need to make a few phone calls as well and rearrange my schedule while listing what needs to get done on our calendar. I'm not expecting tomorrow to be too taxing.

Oh! I don't start school again until the 26th. I'm praying that's enough time for hubby to get done what he needs finished. I also pray that we don't get smacked hard in the face by the upcoming expenses.

Thursday, August 1, 2013


ETA (08/02/2013):
Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. I still don't understand why what happened happened and I'm still hurt.

The other day I attempted to explain crunchy to two church friends, I didn't have to and shouldn't have--I was only trying to explain the Boy's behavior towards other children and sharing. Apparently crunchiness and using information from the Internet are offensive to these people because they made derisive comments, scoffed and walked away. Then, they proceeded to ignore any further attempts at any conversation.

Okay. I understand I over shared, not only that but I over shared with close minded people. My feelings are hurt, because why cease talking with me completely over what I shared? Seriously, what I shared wasn't even that heinous! I was trying to talk about amber necklaces--because I mentioned them and then was asked questions. What the heck? You ask me a question then get attitude with my answer? As much as they talk about being Godly and good, you'd think there would be more open understanding. But, no. I never expected my BFF or this other friend to react and say these things, I feel they were unnecessarily rude. Maybe BFF felt like she could be an ass because this other friend was there? If so, I don't need "friends" that have to act like an ass to look good or make me look bad.

I should plan something else for the Boy's birthday, I honestly don't think I want to be around the church people I invited (if this is how they behave). I'm even considering a new church, I just can't believe the foolish choice of words and hurtful attitude.