Monday, July 1, 2013

Up and Down. Repeat.

I don't quite understand why it's happening but apparently: that's it. My emotions are just going up and down and up and down and up and down (etc.), mostly anxiety driven.

  • I want babies. I really, really, really, really, really, really want babies. I loved being pregnant. I loved the whole experience, even the all-day-all-night morning sickness that lasted the entire ordeal. I even loved my birthing experience; no, I didn't plan anything about it and I didn't have any expectations so it was generally great. The only thing I feared about labor and delivery was the Pitocin they gave me during induction and it wasn't even that bad, it wasn't bad at all. But, I didn't experience the pain of contractions that every woman that's gone through labor seems to complain about (I was honestly disappointed, I wanted to experience that pain!).
    • Can't have more babies yet. This makes me sad:
      • First, because DH isn't doing too well. 
      • Second, we literally cannot afford another mouth to feed yet. 
      • Third, it wouldn't be fair to DS. 
      • Fourth, when we can afford more babies, it won't be for years. Years!
  • The field I was planning: nursing. Well, I'd like to be a nurse, that is a for sure thing. What I don't want is to be a nursing assistant (yes, I know that as a RN, there is the potential to perform the duties of a NA).
    I'm changing fields first. Hopefully I get accepted into the program that I'd like to start August 8th, then while I'm working in this field I can do distance learning for nursing--mostly the book-work because clinicals would require me to actually be stationary somewhere for awhile.
    Until I start this new field, though, I have to work as an STNA. Which is fine. I actually have to get some things lined up before I can start, but I do have the job. I know what I need to do, but hopefully funds align properly so that it's not as daunting as it seems. Funds are a bit tight at the moment, though. I'm trying to figure out a way to afford the gas back and forth (ugh).
  • Our home. Everything in this aspect is fine, I paid a lot in advance so that we are really okay for a year. Right now, because I paid household things in advance, the big worry is gasoline for our vehicle. Now that I've written it out, I'm not exactly sure how I should feel about all this, it doesn't seem as big as I thought it was a couple of days ago.
  • DH's health. I've got him into a new hospital and they are starting from scratch with him, so there are appointments that I need to take him to. I forgot to get him an agenda to coordinate with mine, that way we can schedule things and be on the same page. With how this hospital is going, I'm excited, they are really taking his health into greater consideration than the previous hospital.
  • Gosh, there's more that I can't remember! Hah, that's frustrating.

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