Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Two Things Were on My Mind Today.


I feel as if I am raising someone else's child. How do I explain that?! It's unfair to the Boy. The unfairness will only escalate as/if we have more children. Why? Because: I will feel more connected to each successive child. I feel very disconnected from the Boy because of the lengthy separation between us after my accident and during my recovery. I still have yet to feel that connection again. The main things that are preventing it is that he's a toddler and wants to be independent, which I can respect--but I miss my infant baby who loved snuggles, hugs and kisses!

Not Fair.

Should I alleviate the unfairness by not having anymore children which would allow my love and connection to the Boy grow further? Isn't that unfair to me, though? It sure would be a selfless choice and act, to do that for my Boy.

Not Fair.

Where is the lesser of the two evils? Either way, there is unfairness.

Then, what if reincarnation does exist? Should I look forward to that moment, when I can procreate to my heart's content? But, then: what if in that life: I don't want kids?!

Again: Not Fair.

Alas, life is not fair. I'll pray about it and see which way God's will takes me.

It's already been a year (well, slightly more than a year since 03/29/2012)

So, it's been slightly over a year since my brain injury. And, many would think that I should have recovered fully from it. I haven't. Well, physically, yes I have. Mentally, though, I have not. I still have cognitive, logic and emotional problems.

I take things said to me a lot harder now than before. What mainly bothers me is the person's tone, inflection, gestures and facial expressions. The way that I process things got me thinking about how the brain works, like how does the left brain work and how does the right brain work. Loosely thinking, I Googled "left brain functions" and got this website which isn't medical, but interesting. If the right brain is more about emotions and creativity and the left brain is more logic and language: no wonder I'm affected more by how people say things instead of the words they use.

I Googled this in images:

That's kind of interesting. I suppose that since it was the left side of my head (brain) that was severely damaged, I react more to feelings/emotions than logic/practicality. I have a long way to go in regards to my brain healing. The classes I'm taking right now and future classes will help my brain recover better, if not faster.

Also, on a slightly different note:

I cried after talking with a representative on the phone because I couldn't understand what she was saying. The information I was being given was not difficult, wasn't even beyond my scope of reasoning, but she was giving me the information way too fast for me to process. And, do you know how hard it is to tell someone you don't know "Hey, I didn't get all of what you said. Could you please explain that to me again, but slower?"--and do you know how annoyed the person you're talking to gets when they have to repeat themselves?

So. Yeah. I cried.

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