Saturday, June 29, 2013

Agh, I feel overwhelmed. Again.

Things that need to get done are closing in and it's making me more and more anxious as time gets closer. I'm so nervous. I wish things weren't so hard right now.

Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm having a problem

Mostly with comprehending the time I need for all of the things that I want to accomplish, along with the money and gas that is required. Poop. I don't know. It's overwhelming.

I can't understand what I'm supposed to go and do over the next few months. What's sad is that these things have been explained to me, repeatedly, over the past...week?...two weeks? I don't know.

I wish things weren't so hard to understand now.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

God, can I be pregnant yet?

Please? I'll be good and keep my job and K.I.T. with church, I promise. I really do want new babies now, that'd be so nice to have new babies. You know, twins would be perfect...Gosh, the baby rabies is really getting to me. I understand I have to get things under control and stable first, but...come on, please.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Playing the waiting game again

I messaged my doctor to get the letter needed that confirms I'm healthy enough to continue on the path I'm wanting to go. I'm not anxious about it, I should get a response by Friday at the latest. I'm just excited, as soon as I get the confirmation needed, I can start new classes at the beginning of August.

I can't wait!

I have so many questions that I would like to ask but I'm a bit nervous about it. I feel like I bother certain people a bit too much. Like, maybe I seem like I'm a bit attention seeking. I will honestly admit that I do tend to seek attention, which I try so very hard to not do, and there are big reasons for why: like my needs being ignored as a infant/child, not being validated at any point as a minor, along with the various forms of abuse that I'd suffered. Bah, I just wish I could ask the questions I have, but I don't want to get annoying.

Okay, I'm going to go twiddle my thumbs.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Aside from feeling weird...

I'm excited. I should plan out everything that I'm thinking about to see how/when we/I will be able to get it all done. I'm not sure if I can do it all at the same time, ASAP; or if I should take my time and wait.

I already know that switching majors in order to be able to do something that I can get more money faster is doable and when. I just need to figure out if the other things will be okay in the process. There are a couple of people I can ask in order to get my answers, but I'm not sure. The one person that I should talk with is my doctor. Hopefully things won't seem as impossible after I map it all out, than they do now.

The other thing is that the doctors are starting from scratch with DH. Every test they do will be "from scratch", which is understandable if they trust their own doctors and tests more than other's. I hope that they can figure it out, I need to know what's going...we need to know what's going on.

So....those are my thoughts for the day.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Feeling weird today.

Or yesterday.

I don't know what it is, but I just don't want to do anything. Nothing at all. I'm hating people, I'm hating life, I'm hating just about everything... To top it off: I'm not angry or sad, I'm not anxious, I'm not feeling any negative feeling that I can think of. I want to say that I'm not happy, either, but I'm not not happy. So, I don't know. I don't know what this feeling is. It's neither positive, nor negative. Maybe it's a "just here" feeling? But what's that?

I want to go out and do something fun today, but I don't know what. Maybe something will come to me before it's too late. Blah.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Meeting Today, Orchard Tomorrow

I'm thinking about changing's a big, gigantic, vast change...but it's okay. Hopefully the transition will be easier than I think. At this meeting I was given a lot of information, very quickly, to the point I thought "I wish I had someone else here with me, so that they could help me understand this."

Tomorrow, we're going to an apple orchard. This is going to be so fun! I have not been to an apple orchard since elementary school....which isn't saying much because I remember: trees, maple syrup and a bunch of other nature stuff. I think a couple of different field trips are mixing together, because I'm also seeing wild birds like hawks, falcons and eagles with the trees, maple syrup and stuff.

I hope that the boy enjoys the trip tomorrow. I will be taking pictures!! I love my little man.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Two Things Were on My Mind Today.


I feel as if I am raising someone else's child. How do I explain that?! It's unfair to the Boy. The unfairness will only escalate as/if we have more children. Why? Because: I will feel more connected to each successive child. I feel very disconnected from the Boy because of the lengthy separation between us after my accident and during my recovery. I still have yet to feel that connection again. The main things that are preventing it is that he's a toddler and wants to be independent, which I can respect--but I miss my infant baby who loved snuggles, hugs and kisses!

Not Fair.

Should I alleviate the unfairness by not having anymore children which would allow my love and connection to the Boy grow further? Isn't that unfair to me, though? It sure would be a selfless choice and act, to do that for my Boy.

Not Fair.

Where is the lesser of the two evils? Either way, there is unfairness.

Then, what if reincarnation does exist? Should I look forward to that moment, when I can procreate to my heart's content? But, then: what if in that life: I don't want kids?!

Again: Not Fair.

Alas, life is not fair. I'll pray about it and see which way God's will takes me.

It's already been a year (well, slightly more than a year since 03/29/2012)

So, it's been slightly over a year since my brain injury. And, many would think that I should have recovered fully from it. I haven't. Well, physically, yes I have. Mentally, though, I have not. I still have cognitive, logic and emotional problems.

I take things said to me a lot harder now than before. What mainly bothers me is the person's tone, inflection, gestures and facial expressions. The way that I process things got me thinking about how the brain works, like how does the left brain work and how does the right brain work. Loosely thinking, I Googled "left brain functions" and got this website which isn't medical, but interesting. If the right brain is more about emotions and creativity and the left brain is more logic and language: no wonder I'm affected more by how people say things instead of the words they use.

I Googled this in images:

That's kind of interesting. I suppose that since it was the left side of my head (brain) that was severely damaged, I react more to feelings/emotions than logic/practicality. I have a long way to go in regards to my brain healing. The classes I'm taking right now and future classes will help my brain recover better, if not faster.

Also, on a slightly different note:

I cried after talking with a representative on the phone because I couldn't understand what she was saying. The information I was being given was not difficult, wasn't even beyond my scope of reasoning, but she was giving me the information way too fast for me to process. And, do you know how hard it is to tell someone you don't know "Hey, I didn't get all of what you said. Could you please explain that to me again, but slower?"--and do you know how annoyed the person you're talking to gets when they have to repeat themselves?

So. Yeah. I cried.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

More big changes ahead

I start work soon, I don't want to but I have to. I would love to be a SAHM, that's always been my dream... I'm changing my major temporarily, too. After I complete the new major, I'll work on nursing with long distance learning. This way, we'll be bringing in money and I can go to school at the same time. Maybe I will even be able to learn a few languages in the meanwhile.

I'm anxious, but this should all be for the best. This week's schedule is full so I have enough on my mind to distract m from anxiety.

Monday, June 10, 2013


That interview was a waste of time. Hopefully tomorrow's is better. DH said his interview went well, we'll hear more on Wednesday. I hope he does get the job. The place is about 20 miles from us, but that's okay, same distance as tomorrow's interview.

I have an appointment early in the day, then class and DH has class. Tomorrow is going to be a busy long day. I need to figure out how we're going to do this.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Is it okay to ask for positive thoughts or prayers?

I hope so. I'm having such bad anxiety attacks the past two or three days. I hope that we get hired and start working soon. I'm not sure if I need prayers for our interviews to go well so that we're hired or if I need positive thoughts for the anxiety attacks to stop.

Tomorrow should be a good day. There's church, that's about it. It should be a peaceful day. I hope tomorrow is a peaceful day.

I fixed my washer issue...

I went to Home Depot last night, trying to find what I finally got today. Last night, the sales associate said no, it wasn't possible to do what I was asking. Today, the sales associate at this other Home Depot (different city than the first one) said that it was possible and showed me the components that I needed.....what I wanted to do was either buy a longer washer hose or combine the three washer hoses that I have. I knew what I was looking for was an adapter type thing, which I was shown today and bought two of. I wish I had the energy to go out again today to buy a longer drain hose, but I'm too lazy. Anywho, this is how I set it up now:

 <--You can see the connection to the second hose, on the floor, under the green towels.

 <-- Here are the hoses wrapping around the shelf unit going to the sink. The top black line by the toilet paper is the power cord, the outlet is between the shelf and medicine cabinet.

 <-- Our bathroom is pretty small, but this set up works, there's still enough room to sit down and stand up, in regards to the toilet. The drain hose is also hanging into the tub, not very far into the tub which is why I kind of want to go buy a new/longer drain hose, but I'm too lazy to do it just this second.

On slightly different note: DH and I both have job interviews on Monday, but unfortunately within the same hour. I'm going to have to figure this out...either he will call and get the time changed or I need to see if the sitter is available. I am a bit anxious, though.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Sometimes I wish I was a plumber,

Or, that I knew all there is to know about plumbing. Yep, weird wish. Mainly because our new washer (Haier 1.46cu.ft.) hooks up to the(a) sink faucet and the drain hose empties down the sink drain (or, currently our bathtub). It's kind of an awkward set up right now as I have to get an extending hose so that our facilities are not blocked.

Other than the awkward setup, the faucet attachment sometimes leaks. I learned, from some very helpful mamas, about Teflon Tape. Also, we have, using Teflon Tape and a wrench, the leaks have stopped--that's a good thing because I'm sick of using towels to clean up the water puddles on my tile!

See those intake hose? I need an extender so that I can move the washer further from the faucet:

The output hose isn't as far in to the tub as I'd like, but it still works:

The intake hose to my faucet:

See, it's a tight stretch:

Also, if you noticed, I have a monkey theme :) I recently bought green towels to go with it, lol. Thankfully, I solved the leak problem so I don't have to worry too much about it now. I just have to make a trip to Home Depot soon, maybe tomorrow.

Hey Carrie & Friend's!

One more harassing comment, any more libel on your FB, anything provoking or threatening: I will report you for harassment to the police. Continuing to lie about me to the people around you is slander, BTW and illegal. I do not lie about you Carrie, what you have done is terrible and illegal, since you did do it: it is the truth thus not slander. Although, I make the UNCONSCIOUS decision to not talk or think about you, mainly because I don't care about you!! I'm done with this, I've been done with it. I highly recommend that you find a new hobby, maybe get off the computer and actually take care of your kids. There are a lot more exciting things in life than stalking me, being vindictive and spewing lies about me.

I'm not even going to defend myself because #1: you aren't worth it. And #2: you know what you did and what you are lying about.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

More Interviews!

This is great, I have several interviews scheduled over the next week. Hopefully I get hired soon! I can't wait. These companies seem decent enough, I've already made it to one second interview...which doesn't mean anything, lol, but that's okay.

Tomorrow being Friday, I think I'm going to restart the Flats Challenge, it's not like I haven't hand washed before... but now it's just for fun. I'm working on another soaker for the boy, I'll be making it a bit longer than the previous one, so it should fit better.

In regards to college: I'm doing very well in my class. I'm very proud of myself. This is something that I was very nervous about, I'm still a bit nervous but I should be okay since it's only one class for summer semester. I didn't know that summer semester courses were accelerated, I'm doing twice or maybe it's just one and one-half times the work that a regular semester is. I'm glad that I only chose to do one class this semester, although if I had known it'd be like this, I may have registered for one more class as a challenge--I'm happy I didn't since I don't know how far my brain is capable of going just yet.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I see what you did there!

Ha ha, nope, I'm still happy. Took me a minute to figure it out, but I will not be drug down to your level.

Job Interview Tomorrow!

Well, I had other things that I wanted to blog about today, but I'm taking the high road.

I have a job interview tomorrow and then another one Wednesday. We'll be keeping DS home tomorrow because he has a cold, my poor little man. Hopefully he'll feel better by the end of the week. Oh! I have to call his sitter tomorrow morning so that she knows what's going on.

At college, I have to pick up a letter from the access office so that I can get the accommodations that I need. I wonder if I should pick them up tomorrow morning or later in the week. It really doesn't matter, but the sooner I get that letter, the better.

I'm excited about tomorrow, I bought some business attire from Kohl's today--they were having awesome sales. At least my friend came with me to help me pick out clothes, I get so nervous picking stuff out for myself. I really have to figure out what's wrong with my printer, too, I need a few hard copies of my resume.

ETA-- I'll probably start up the Flats Challenge later in the week, when it gets warmer, when we're all healthy again and when things stop seeming so hectic.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Day 3: Flats Hand Washing Challenge,

Ugh, I found a tick on my belly button. Gross. So, that made me strip everything down and do a complete wash--sanitize style--on everything. Sooooo, I took the crap-ton of flats for the day plus all dirty clothes and bleach washed them....basically a "give up" but I'm thinking more of a setback instead. Then, DS got a bath where I afterwards scoured him for ticks, thankfully he did not have any.

Now I have an irrational fear of ticks, thanks to yesterday. Bah!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Day 2: Hand Washing Flats Challenge!

Okay, I had a few more flats to wash today than yesterday...but not because I changed him was because I missed a few flats from before I started the challenge. I had about 4-5 flats from today which is fine--he's still sick so I wasn't expecting an output increase. He didn't have a BM yesterday, but he did during the night so when I changed him from his prefold-flat overnight, it was...messy. Again, today no I'm expecting it tomorrow morning. Anyhow, I dumped and rinsed this morning, then threw the whole shebang into the hamper minus the soaker.

First, my hamper of dirty diapers. They don't look dirty, do they?:

~2T (Tablespoons) of Gain detergent with hot water:

After scrubbing/agitating, ready to be rinsed:

After plain water rinse, now vinegar+water rinse:

Waiting to be hung:

Hung in the bathroom, had to leave up the ones from yesterday because oddly, they did not fully dry: