Friday, February 1, 2013

Great start to February!

Hah! No, February really did start off quite well. I'm happy for what happened yesterday and today. I really appreciate my friends and what they do for me. I can't wait until hubby and I are in a better financial state, so that I can pay them back. It's so hard being so prideful and needing to ask for help and assistance. I can't wait for February 18th, when my classes start. I can now pay the deposit and I'm hoping for more funds to come in so that I can complete the payment by last class, on the 28th. I am psyched about these classes and the job opportunities that will open up for me. We'll be able to do more than just barely get by and just barely being able to pay bills and/or rent.

After these classes and being hired on in my field, I'll be able to apply for college and get a stronger degree that is in a field which will never go stale or unneeded. I'm really hoping that things start looking up again.

Life has been rough for me and it's like a pattern. I'm starting to think that I've been cursed and although I know that none of the bad is God's fault, why is so much bad happening to me/my family? I try really hard to be good, to do things right and to really have deep (obviously one-sided) conversations with God--which most people would consider prayer, although I suppose that speaking with God is like prayer. Is that how one prays? How does one pray? I was never taught, so how would I know? Then, what makes speaking to God (as opposed to "with", as that would make me insane for "talking to myself") any different from praying?

All the hardships are supposed to be lessons or preparation or tests or something, but: For what? Why?

I just hope that the next few weeks go by well and we get to a better place. I know God is with us now, I guess I just hope for Him to "speak" a bit louder.


  1. Hi! Coming out of lurkdom (from BBC) to share some love. I read your blog occasionally, and I had to comment on this one!

    I was right where you are, with thinking "why does God let bad things happen to me?" and when I was saved as a follower in Christ, I dove so strongly into God's word, and really learned how untrue this is.

    LIFE happens. Real, earthly, sucky things happen. If we had an unjust God, he would have his finger on the trigger and "cause" these thing, but he doesn't. Babies die, people get sick, people suffer, and in a world of chaos and sin, God carries us through the mess. People are so quick to blame God for the bad, and never thank Him for the good, but I promise you, He doesn't cause the bad, he allows it to occur so that we may find our solace in Him during our most bare times.

    My greatest learning experience with this was when I had 2 miscarriages back to back. I was so angry, and I remember asking "why would God take my children?" I HATE hearing people say "things happen for a reason" or "God needed them back." Those, in my opinion, are blank statements people say to feel better, but I needed answers.

    Learning from the Bible that God did not TAKE anything from me. My body, which is flawed with a disorder, was not able to carry those babies, and therefore I lose them. So God did not TAKE them, but rather, he CARRIED me through the hardest storm in my life.

    I'm praying that you can find some peace in this "explanation." I am the type of person who needs answers, not just blank statements, and truly praying (BTW, praying is praying when you're sincere. I do mine in quite, alone, and my DH does it like he's having a conversation out loud. Prayer is prayer when it's most sincere to you.) and reading God's word is such a wonderful daily bread that feeds your soul.

    1. Thanks, that really is beyond helpful, I appreciate your comment!