Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Feeling Guilty

I noticed that I'm not feeling as close to the Boy as I was before the accident. That makes me feel like a jerk and I know why I feel that distance. All of that time that I lost, a little over half his life (!), I didn't get to see him or care for him regularly. It's like I had my boy for the beginning of his life and it was all perfect, then he was gone for a long time only to return as a completely different person...and he's not a completely different person, he's just older, more independent, more grown. He was my first child and I missed all of that time with him! Now, I feel distant from him, like I'm caring for someone else's child and it breaks my heart, makes me cry.

I feel like the next child(ren) we have, I will be closer to and the Boy will just be pushed away. Although I feel like that is what will happen, with knowing it I should be able to stop myself from doing that to him, right? (I hope so.) The next child(ren) we have, I'm not planning on being torn away from them during such crucial stages of their lives like I was with the Boy (it's not like I planned that separation either). I feel so guilty that I feel this way. I feel like I suck as a mother, like a failure.

I hope I remember to keep the Boy in the fold and not push him away. I hope that I remember to make him feel just as important as his coming sibling(s) will feel. God, I feel like a jerk.

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