Thursday, January 31, 2013


So, a little over 11 months after my car accident and succeeding tracheostomy and I still can't yell very loud or laugh very loud or talk for too long....what happens is I get short of breath (how does that happen, when it's my throat that's bothering me?) and start to cough uncontrollably. I thought that it'd be better by now but it's not, at least not much that I've noticed.

I guess I also sound a bit breathless and "suicidal" when I'm talking over the phone. At least, that's what I've been told and it's freaked a couple of people out.

I wonder when it'll go back to normal or more close to normal...

Friday, January 25, 2013

I might be feeling...

I might be feeling, now, more like I felt before the car accident but that doesn't mean that my TBI ever went away, symptoms will pop up no matter how infrequently or how much time has passed. It is always there, a "silent illness" that no one notices unless you tell them.

The past three weeks, I have been having a headache in the area where my brain injury occurred. The upper hemisphere of my skull, located primarily on the left-hand side, is where my head aches. The tiredness that I was experiencing throughout every day in the early stages of my recovery has returned for the past week or two. The symptoms that never went away are word finding, spelling, speaking (when I'm trying to say a sentence that I'm thinking in my head, I have trouble actually forming the words, I have to force myself to think and speak much slower) and memory issues.

It is so hard to try and speak lengthy sentences, or continuously, in a flowing manner for me. I know what I want to say, but can't get the words out. It's like I forget what the word is that I know I want to use. To say a simple five to ten word sentence, sometimes it comes out very word at a time, each word separated by 10-30 seconds of silence because I'm trying to find and say the word I want...all while trying to keep my original point/thought in mind. Seriously, speaking is a lot of work for me. With memory, that is something that I can work on and the more things I go through everyday the better it gets.

I don't know. I guess I do feel better, like my TBI isn't as prominent as it was in the beginning. It's kind of depressing that the little things are still there and some random things come back at random and short intervals. I wish that none of it had ever happened or that it would just go away.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Done with...

Doctor's and therapy appointments for my brain injury! I just noticed while looking at my list of upcoming appointments, this is great! Now, I know that if I feel anything "off", I can call and schedule an appointment to see if my brain is acting up. So far, I'm doing very well. I feel like I did before the accident, it's just my memory that's a bit bad. My long term memory is like before, I remember most, if not all, of my life before the accident and some of things post-accident. Now, my short term memory sucks, I have to write things down to prevent forgetting--and even that doesn't work because I forget to write things down in the first place! The other thing that bothers me is my word-finding, I forget some words and sometimes how to spell the word I'm thinking. Like while I write out this post, I have to backspace a bunch of words because I start typing the wrong one.

Now, I'm thinking about whether I should continue my blog as I go through my life...Which I don't think anything I post from here on out will be interesting, but who knows. Or, should I start a brand new blog "Life Post-TBI recovery"? I may just not write anything anymore, I don't know.

I'll see how things go. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychologist and counseling like this is something that I would be doing regardless of my brain injury. Well, time to prepare for tomorrow, it's going to be a long day and the Boy will need food to eat while we are at the hospital. Good night, readers.

Saturday, January 12, 2013


The past 3 weeks I have been trying to downsize my yarn collection (stash) by making various projects. This has been fun. So far, I have made 3 hats which are very cute: fuzzy variegated purple yarn with purple flowers. Then, I started an afghan that is a pattern on Project Linus. I've made it quite large and although making blankets for kids that need that comfort and security would be awesome, I don't have soft enough yarn for their delicate selves. It is a granny square ripple afghan with an odd assortment of colors: neon green, navy blue, bright yellow, black and eventually I'll throw in some bright red because those are some of the colors in my stash at the moment.

I'm thinking about making a few more little things since I have small amounts of various yarn in different colors. Some of what I have is very unique, like feathery or thick or like cashmere, nothing simple or traditional or normal or regular. So, I really don't know what to make with all of it but it's a good thing that I search often because then I can find something that I can work with/on.

My stash has been getting smaller and smaller as the days go on so I am happy about that. I'm hoping to be out of yarn or at least have very little by March.

Today is My Birthday

Well, we don't have anything spectacular planned and that is okay. I need to go to the grocery store and get a few things that I completely forgot about during the week when my friend took me shopping. At least it's supposed to be warm today, that will make walking to the store with the Boy and hubby a bit easier and more comfortable.

I'm looking around our home and it is a crowded mess of stuff, stuff being toys. My son likes to empty out his toy box and now we have a nice plush layer of toy-carpet. I feel like cleaning it all up since he's napping right now but at the same time I'm feeling lazy and thinking "meh, it's my birthday" I suppose I'll just leave it all out until later tonight when he goes to bed.

I was hoping to get my settlement this week, but no. Again, I have been told "another week or two", which is fine. Except that I've been told "another week or two" every single week since November. I get that this is a process and it takes time. I'm poor for goodness sake, I would like to not have "late notice" on my bills anymore. I would like to get on with my life. I want to buy a vehicle already so that I can start classes and work. All I do at home now is look after my Boy and...that's it! I can't go anywhere, especially since it's been cold. Walking up and down the hallways of the apartment building doesn't look appealing. I would like to be able to go a bit further than a mile down the street.

Holy cow, please insurance company, please hurry up and give my lawyer the information he needs so that I can get my life going already! (Which, my settlement would have been a good birthday present, lol)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I'm all cleared!

My PM&R doctor cleared me for driving and for stopping Amantadine. She said that I should be good and if I do feel like I need anything, like to ask a question or something I'm not sure about, I can message her. The other thing is that my psychiatrist cleared me for not taking antidepressants, that as long as I continue counseling and working on my coping strategies, I should be fine. Which, I'm not planning on stopping counseling anytime soon, so that should work out!

Being off of Amantadine for that short while and recently back on it again, I did not notice any difference so that's why my PM&R doctor okayed my not being on it anymore. Also, being off of the antidepressants and continuing counseling, I've noticed that my depression is handled very well--I don't notice it at all anymore. One other thing I've noticed is that the more I recover, the more "here" I feel. My PM&R doctor said that she noticed how much more aware I am, a complete 180 from when she first met me.

This is awesome, I feel like myself again. I feel like I did before the accident, the only thing is a significant problem with memory, more short-term than long-term but it's still a problem. I use notebooks and an agenda for that, but that doesn't make knowing about my memory issues any better. Oh and I get headaches more often and randomly. This isn't anything that I can't handle so I have nothing to complain about.

The Boy is doing well, he's feeling better than last week, I'm happy. We're both still sick from this cold, we're going on our 8th-9th week of this illness. I have no idea what it is but the doctors told me it's a cold. Tomorrow, I get to see my PCP and talk with her about this cold because I'm just that sick of being sick! After my appointment, I have to take the Boy to pediatrics because I think he may have an ear infection along with this cold. His poor little ears are all red and scabbed up because he keeps scratching at them.

Hopefully we will find out what is going on with us tomorrow.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Love at First Sight

Have you ever gone into a store to look around and spot something that you just fall in love with and have to have it, so you buy it? That's how I'm feeling about this one particular thing. I walked in, saw it and said "I want." I'm planning on buying it but I have to wait for the funds. I've had to wait for a very long time and what's taking so long is that my insurance company has decided to take it's time. Which, I'm fine with that, it's just kind of anxiety inducing. There are several things that I've been wanting to go ahead with and what's holding me back is the lack of funds. I'm really hoping that the thing I want is still there when I do get my settlement. That would be great, then I would be able to purchase it and get on with my plans.

The other thing is that I'm really hoping to make our lives better, to the point where we aren't struggling so hard. I just want my Boy to have an awesome childhood and I'm trying so hard to start working towards that goal. Again, it's put on hold until I get my settlement and some answers about my SSD application. I remember how held-back I felt when I was a minor and now that I'm an adult and know that what I want I can get, it's so difficult and frustrating not to be able to do it.

Things need to start straightening and finishing out and fast so that I can go ahead with my plans and life.

Friday, January 4, 2013

It's Almost April!

Okay, I'm excited, my OB said we can start seriously trying in April! I know that I have to double check with him, but I'm sure that it's going to be okay. I can't wait, I want more babies! Little, tiny, cute squishes. I'm so upset that we couldn't start earlier and that it was postponed due to the accident. I can't let it bother me anymore though, can't change the past. I'm just looking forward to April now!

We already came up with names before I was even pregnant with the Boy. Hmm, I don't remember them very well so I'll ask hubby. That's no big deal though, he'll remind me! I think I've changed a couple of the names around and he's been okay with that. I'm sure that he'll let me change them around until the new little one is born. The last time, I wanted to change the Boy's first name and he didn't let I don't like his reasoning, but I think that if I keep working on him, he'll let me the next time.

I wonder what we'll be having next, a boy or girl? It really doesn't matter, I don't prefer one over the other and having the Boy doesn't change my feelings. I'd just like to know. When we do find out we're pregnant, though, I don't want to find out until the little one is born! The last time, we found out because we were excited and it was so much fun. Now that we've already experienced it, I want to be surprised!

I can't wait. I know that the chance of becoming pregnant during the first cycle is small, but I can hope! I'm here praying to have more babies!!!

(Still feeling guilty, though...)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Feeling Guilty

I noticed that I'm not feeling as close to the Boy as I was before the accident. That makes me feel like a jerk and I know why I feel that distance. All of that time that I lost, a little over half his life (!), I didn't get to see him or care for him regularly. It's like I had my boy for the beginning of his life and it was all perfect, then he was gone for a long time only to return as a completely different person...and he's not a completely different person, he's just older, more independent, more grown. He was my first child and I missed all of that time with him! Now, I feel distant from him, like I'm caring for someone else's child and it breaks my heart, makes me cry.

I feel like the next child(ren) we have, I will be closer to and the Boy will just be pushed away. Although I feel like that is what will happen, with knowing it I should be able to stop myself from doing that to him, right? (I hope so.) The next child(ren) we have, I'm not planning on being torn away from them during such crucial stages of their lives like I was with the Boy (it's not like I planned that separation either). I feel so guilty that I feel this way. I feel like I suck as a mother, like a failure.

I hope I remember to keep the Boy in the fold and not push him away. I hope that I remember to make him feel just as important as his coming sibling(s) will feel. God, I feel like a jerk.