Sunday, December 22, 2013

Getting more anxious

We were able to get the Boy a bunch of presents this year, well not a lot but more than last year. I'm so excited to see him open his presents. Yay!

I failed 2013 fall semester so I have to drop out of spring and try to figure out how I'm going to do college now. I'm currently very frustrated by this, I wish I could say that failing was my fault but I can't because it's my brain injury's fault and it wasn't even my fault that I have a brain injury. I used to be able to go all day at 100% on only 4 or 5 hours of sleep, but now I need 8 to 10 hours of sleep to go 90% until about 11 at night.

Now, I have to figure out how I'm going to afford rent, car insurance, electric, gas for the apartment and gas for my vehicle next year when I'll only be making minimum wage at less than full time hours. I started SSDI proceedings last fall and they're still ongoing, so I have anxiety over that--> what if my SSDI check isn't enough to cover rent + bills + car insurance + other necessities? My anxiety is building and it is not pleasant. Not only am I anxious about all the things that need to get paid monthly... since I can work, if I do get accepted, I won't be able to work full time and my SSDI will probably be decreased as well, which means more anxiety. Oh! I also cannot do college until I either get government funding straightened out or I can afford classes out of pocket. Which, I know that I will never be able to afford classes out of pocket and I still need to pay back a loan I took out for this semester which I know will not happen.

If anyone knows that guy who hit me, I would appreciate if you passed on a little message to him from me:

Thank you, so very much for setting my life back in more ways than just one. I appreciate that, although I was starting to get my life straightened out before you hit me, those proceedings either have to be halted by years or stopped completely. It is also heartwarming that I will, more than likely, never have anymore children because who in their right mind would have kids when they can barely afford to take care of themselves. You, sir, and your negligence that evening are awesome.

Thanks.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

2013 is almost over!

Holy cow, this year went by fast...I mean there were some weeks that did just drag on, but it's already December 17th! A lot has happened this year!


  • My boy turned 2 years old this year!
  • I got my CNA certification
  • I almost started working at a nursing home
  • I have a vehicle, home, furniture (granted all for obvious reasons)
  • I was/am in college, although I just failed this semester
Wow, I'm sure there was more. I turned 26 this year...which next year I'll be 27 (Oh, no!).

I'm working on getting approval for another career/job so that more income will be brought into my family. This last thing seems to be taking the most time--but only because I have to do it in the very limited spare time that I have. Things are a lot easier when people are helping me and working with me instead of doing it by myself or people purposefully working against me.

I know at my current workplace, my direct boss is working with me so that I can be promoted. My boss's boss is nervous about the promotion because it took me longer to learn the position than it takes others and because I am unsure if I actually know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should contact people higher up, just to make sure my workplace stays on it's toes and doesn't discriminate against me, but usually my suspected issue is resolved (without me saying anything) after a day or two. 

This past week, I've been having problems coming up with foods to make for each meal. I am not exactly sure why, sometimes I think that maybe I should go and buy more food so that I have more of a selection to choose from but then I realize I do have a lot, I just have to think about what to make with it all. Hmm, I know a couple of people that have links to websites that can help me out so I think I'll contact them about it.

I don't think that we have many presents for the boy, for Christmas. I hope that we'll be able to get some more stuff before next week but I don't think that will be possible. At least he'll have a good holiday. 

Well, that was a good update. Hopefully I'll remember to keep up here, more often than not.

Monday, December 16, 2013

I failed this semester.

I am so angry about this and mainly because I failed for the sole fact that I did not get any sleep. No sleep equals cannot concentrate, cannot learn, cannot do anything. Argh. I can't even retake these classes next semester, I have to take different courses until I can afford these two classes out of pocket! How annoying. I didn't even expect to not get sleep this semester!

Next semester, I'm only taking one class.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Ugh. I'm failing this semester.

Boo! Hiss! Tragedy! Dismay!

(Argh)

First, I was failing English--and not so much because I don't know what I'm doing, but that I just don't care about the subject or assignments anymore. Not only that, but personal things have really impacted my life, motivation and time management in a negative way. This really sucks and I believe that the government will not allow me to repeat these classes next semester. The thing that is really frustrating is that I am not and most likely will not be making enough money to cover these classes on my own.

Second, I know I'm doing quite well in math, but again time management is not my friend this semester. At least the professor in this class is super nice and allowing me to finish everything in my own time.

Hopefully the two jobs I applied for recently will accept me soon and I will be able to afford these classes next semester.

Life needs to kick itself in gear already because I'm really sick and tired of this nonsense.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I hate my life

I just realized today that I've never really had an actual, in-depth conversation on any specific/important/interesting thing with anyone. Maybe I've had slight conversations with a friend at work, years ago, but he was the one to start it and contributed the most to that conversation, where I would just add my input every so often. Not only that, but I've never really had any significant interest in anything, at all. Most people can pick something: sports, fishing, board games, video games, movies, music, books, etc. Me? Nope, I find nothing interesting enough or even commonly interesting enough, to start, hold and maintain a conversation with nor am I informed on any subject well enough to do so, either. Maybe that is why I can't just walk up to people and start talking to them, I have no valuable or share-able information to give and exchange.

Right now, I have a lot to get off of my mind--I need to talk out what I'm going through with someone--but I have no one to do that with. No one wants to listen to my personal garbage. No one wants to be brought down by what's stressing me. Which would be fine, if they didn't make me listen to their emotional garbage. They spout their garbage at me and it's like the lyric's to Toby Keith's song "I Wanna Talk About Me" go through my head on repeat. It really would be nice if I could get these feelings out and exchange thoughts, ideas and opinions on the matter.

I wish that I was social, that I could make more friends and not be as annoying as I apparently am. I wish I knew why I'm so socially-deficient.

I have not been happy for a few days now, in fact I want to say it's been a week or three.

Hate

I feel better today than I did yesterday. I took my son to the zoo and we had fun. Then, I meant to take him to the mall to let him run around after his nap but we were not able to do that. <-- I had to put the computer down and couldn't complete this post until now (several days later).

This whole past week, since taking him to the zoo, has sucked. Other than the zoo, I meant to take him to a Fall Festival but it was too cold and windy to stay so we just came home. Aside from those two things (the zoo and festival), life has been going hard and fast in a downward spiral. Everything sucks, people suck, events suck, finances suck, everything sucks.

Shoot, earlier this week (after the zoo), I had a conversation with a couple of friends and they did help me a little bit. Now that the week is come to a close, though, I feel somewhat abandoned--like I would like some friendship/communication, something from one or both of them but I know that it's the weekend so I understand they're busy. Also, I know that I'm annoying. All I want to do today is give my one friend the funds for a part for my vehicle so that it can be fixed and I hear nothing... however: friend might be sleeping and I should be more patient...but I'm not, I'm pathetically impatient to get my vehicle fixed.

Then, today (Sunday, October 27, 2013), I went to church for the second time after a three or four week hiatus. The first time wasn't so bad, that I remember. This time, my son got kicked out of church again, albeit "nicely" before service started. So, I expected my friend who also has a toddler to follow what the "Head Usher" had told me and supposedly told her, but she did not. I guess my child is the only one that is allowed to be kicked out of church. Which is fine, because I'm not going back to that church anytime soon if ever. Fuck that noise.

I'm so beyond pissed off right now and it's not just over one thing, like my son being kicked out of church, it's a whole plethora of things that have been happening over the past year that have added up and are overwhelming me right now.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I feel like I lost something

I really do feel like I lost something, though I know that I did not, it's just different.

My son, I had to "leave" him when he was seven months old because of the accident and wasn't able to care for him until he was fourteen months old. In those short seven months, he grew a lot. He accomplished just about all of his milestones and I missed them all. I didn't hear his first words. I didn't see him sit up. I didn't see him learn to crawl. I didn't see his first steps. I didn't start him on solids, maybe jarred baby food here and there but not solids. I didn't give him his first cake. I didn't give him his first birthday cake. He left me as a completely dependent little bottle-fed baby. He came back to me as a toddler striving for independence. I know I didn't lose him. He is my boy, my baby. It's just that: he's not the baby I had to leave. I missed his growing, changing and developing.

From birth to seven months old, he didn't cry for no reason. He didn't have tantrums. He was never upset. My son was a very happy infant. He never cried. Now? As a toddler? Nonstop tantrums--yes, sure it's normal for toddlers to do this, although it doesn't seem like his normal. I don't understand the fits. I don't understand the crying. I don't understand the tantrums. I wish I did. I wish I knew why he ticked, like I used to. He's so different.

Now, I'm depressed thinking about all of that.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Cloth Diapering Drama (excuse my language, btw)

Apparently, there is a lot of drama in the cloth diapering community. Cloth diapering drama is really the equivalent to the drama associated with personal choices in regards to parenting-- not everyone has the same preferences, beliefs, methods, concerns, etc. No one parents the same and no one does their laundry the same. Everything that everyone does is done differently. There is no "right way" or "wrong way"--except child abuse, that's wrong on all levels (and I'm not talking a single-deserved spanking done for discipline and not in anger; I'm meaning abuse).

Back on topic: cloth diapers are just diapers (shit catchers, if you will) and when they are dirty they are just laundry. They aren't special. Cloth diapers are not made of fragile fabrics and if you paid money for fragile diapers you need to reconsider using them as shit catchers. These things go on our children's asses, they're baby/toddler underwear that get shit and piss on. For the life of me, I cannot understand why there is so much drama surrounding cloth diaper laundry.

Joining the cloth diaper community is like going back to high school: cliques, fashions, methods, preferences. Why?! It's laundry! You wash cloth diapers just like any other laundry, maybe even a little bit more roughly since they have urine and feces on them. Use good, strong detergent like Tide, Gain, Arm & Hammer, Era, Wisk, Cheer-- anything that one could find at any store, really (of course, detergents without fabric softeners). Why use "special" detergents? "Special detergents" are expensive and more often than not: useless. Also, use the proper amount for the load size, why use less?! It makes no sense to me to use less detergent on a shit catcher than I would on my own underwear (especially the ones that accidentally have menstrual fluid on them). It's urine and feces, bio-hazard material, stuff that is actually illegal to throw in the trash!

Stop trying to pound your cloth diaper washing beliefs on me and mine! You're annoying me! All I try to do is tell you how detergent works, how bleach works, how "special cloth diaper safe detergent" works. I am certainly not trying to get you to do things my way. When I say detergent cannot build up, it is not opinion--it is hard scientific fact. If you don't believe that: good for you! Just don't try and pound it into my head that "detergent build up is true!!!" I will not fight science and facts with you. I won't. If you don't want to hear science and facts, fine! Just, don't bash me and mine while trying to refute your beliefs and opinions.

Also, when you create your blog post to bash (under the cover of some cloth-diaper laundry propaganda) someone or a group: you ought to use more broad terms than specifically naming them. That's kind of rude, right? Kind of rude like my post right here, don't you think (though, I'm not berating you like you did us)? It's kind of easy to have a blog you moderate comments on, isn't it? Then, you can delete comments/posts that you don't agree with or call bullshit...makes blogging easy, doesn't it?

Really, though, this is how detergent works:
The main and necessary ingredients in detergents are surfactants and the way that they work is they have two ends. The head end is hydrophilic (which means it's attracted to water) and the tail end is hydrophobic (which means it is attracted to grease/oil/dirt). Saying that, if you do not use enough detergent, the detergent you do use will clean as much as it is able/can hold then it is rinsed away--meaning that whatever dirt is left stays and your laundry (or diapers) are still dirty. If you use too much detergent, the dirt/oil/grease is cleaned out and there is left-over detergent if you do not rinse enough--however that left-over detergent will not cause stink, repelling or leaking and will be rinsed away in the next wash.

What about those bubbles I see when I put my laundry (or diapers) in and run a cycle without detergent?
Well there are actually a couple of things those bubbles could be:

  • Agitation-- You know water bubbles when it's shaken, right? Those bubbles disappear quickly, do not stack/climb and do not have a rainbow-sheen.
  • You ever saw tide pools or rocks that waves crash against in the ocean or rapid rivers? Those are caused by the water mineral content, not detergent!
  • Detergent and grime build up in your washer-- Yep, detergent and grime will collect in the space between the drum and casing. Also, it will build up in the agitator should you have one. Did you clean your washer recently? One should clean their washer at least once a month to keep it in good working order, kind of like how we get oil changes on our vehicles.
  • Left-over detergent in the fabric-- It's not build up because it will rinse away in the next wash because detergent surfactants are hydrophilic (will wash away in water) and hydrophobic (only sticks to dirt/grease/oil, will not stick on fabric).
Thus saying: it is chemically not possible for detergent to build up. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Bored

I don't like one of my college classes right now and it's not so much the subject as much as it is the professor. I used to love this subject but now I just want to scrape my eyes out with a rusty spoon than go to that class. I like my other class much better and I think it's because that professor is actually making a subject that I used to loathe, a subject that I actually enjoy going to. I really don't want to go to class tomorrow but I really should. This reminds me, I need to finish up some homework.

Next semester I will be taking three classes, which is great and hopefully I'll be able to handle it. Summer semester I did one class and this semester I'm in two classes...Maybe next fall semester I'll be able to take four classes?

I'm slightly annoyed by some minor things right now but I know things could be worse so it's nothing to panic over. I really do hope that things get easier as time goes on.

...Now to go check out that homework....

Sunday, September 29, 2013

What causes acidic poop?

I'd like to know because DS has a minor crack rash that, after 4 diaper changes and liberal application of A+D, is refusing to let up. Hopefully it'll be gone by morning, maybe I'll try Vaseline tonight? Poor DS, we're not even eating anything acidic. At least it's definitely better than it was yesterday.

...We've still got colds... Argh.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Bah

I'm not feeling good. I know why and none of the reasons for my bad feelings are immediately resolvable.

I feel crappy. I hate this. I hate that my feelings go up and down and up and down, it's like an insane emotional roller coaster that just won't stop.

I really hope the up and down crap stops soon....

Monday, September 9, 2013

I love my friends

It was recently explained to me the minor differences in my personality post accident. This is great! I get it now. Fundamentally, I'm still who I was before the accident. Cognitively and emotionally I'm different, the way I react is different.

Apparently, visually and upon first talking with me, I seem normal--I seem like my old self. You can't tell I'm different or disabled. That's great, right? No, it's not because I have problems. When people get to know me again, after talking to me a few times, they notice the minor differences--which is good. They learn to know what to expect from me instead of assuming how I used to react. What makes me feel bad is that some people seem to walk on eggshells when interacting with me, which is not good.

I need to relearn social etiquette.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Pale, numb palms...

Tuesday is when classes started. It rained really bad--like pouring sheets of rain--so I was soaked to the bone and the college is air conditioned. I got to class early and sat down, so all was going well for a few minutes. I'm not sure how long I sat there before my left palm and finger pads when numb and tingly (like when your feet fall asleep, except the pain that's usually there wasn't there...just numb tingling). I thought that maybe it was a circulation problem so I was expecting my fingers or nail-beds to turn blue but they didn't, my hands just went computer-paper-white which was...odd. I sat there for about an hour before my right palm and finger pads when numb, tingly and pale.

After about ten minutes of my hands being pale, numb and tingly, I went into the hallway to call the nurseline and ask about how worried I should be. The nurse told me that I should go to the ED because none of my symptoms were matching up with any of what she had in her system. So, I went down to the office-area-place and asked if my instructors needed anything because I had to go to the ED. The receptionist got worried and insisted calling 911--as much as I understand why, I didn't appreciate it since I was taken to a crappy hospital. At the crappy hospital the nurse or medical assistant (whatever douchebag she was) had a look of derision on her face and scoffed at my answers to her questions. Then, I went back out to the waiting room and since I was shivering from cold chills and moving back and forth trying to warm up, their waiting room attendant told me to sit down. Yeah...No. I walked out and back to college to get my vehicle. It was a long walk.

During the walk, the numb-tingly feeling wasn't as intense by the time I got to my vehicle, so I called the nurseline again. That nurse told me I should go in anyway, just in case, and advised me to be very careful, to pull over as soon as I felt an inkling of not being able to continue driving. By the time I got to the good hospital, the hospital of my initial choosing, my hands were no longer numb, tingly or pale. My feet felt like they were numb/tingly but that was because my shoes and socks were still wet from all of the rain. It was another half hour or hour before the ED doctor came back to see me, but he couldn't figure it out either, especially since my symptoms were gone.

At the good hospital, I was sent back to a large room that was divided up with privacy curtains... so it was several "rooms" in one large room. I was talking on my phone with a friend who decided to be slightly argumentative, so I was responding quietly but harshly. Since I was being harsh on the phone, the nosy hose beast in the "cubicle" next to me flipped open the privacy curtain so that she could see who was talking on the phone. When I looked at her like "WTF are you looking at", she closed the curtain slightly--leaving a small open gap, not sure why--and started talking with her friend about something (completely unrelated to my phone conversation). It was kind of annoying at first, but now it's funny, some people just don't understand privacy...or privacy curtains.

I'll mostly be offline over the next few weeks.

There is so much going on right not that I will more than likely not be online much, if at all. I've got college classes, my new job, starting another job and parenting the Boy. It's just a lot. I barely have time to go to JFS about some important stuff. I'm also getting really anxious because some things are going to be due soon and I don't have the money for any of it. I'm really counting on borrowing from another source, it's a completely bad idea but I really have no other choice...well, I do have another choice: not paying anything, but then that would make things worse.

I have to go help care for a person, as a HHA, but my application won't be accepted for either 30-60 or 60-90 days. At least I get back pay for the hours I'm doing right now (so long as I'm accepted), right? I also found a closer nursing home that I didn't even know was one, but I'm not sure if they're hiring right now--I'll ask, though.

The Boy is doing well. He's got counting down, taking off his shirts and attempting his pants. He does understand the gist of putting his shoes on, but isn't that far yet in that skill. Also, he's impatient when it comes to eating; he'll try his fork and spoon for a couple of bites but gets frustrated and impatient to where he puts the utensil down and uses his hands to shovel food into his face. He makes me laugh all the time.

Hmm. I have Math and English this semester. They aren't that difficult, but it's a lot of work and actually giving me anxiety. I have a voice recorder but the batteries died so I couldn't use it for Math and I ended up crying because the professor was going too fast through the equations and as much as I wanted to listen, I needed to write down what he had on the board. I had a minor breakdown there. After class, I went to the college bookstore and bought batteries for the recorder and was able to use it for English. I'm nervous about Math, though I am doing well. I ended up finishing all of the assignments that are available until next class session, in less than two hours. I missed a few of the questions, but after seeing what the right answer was, I was able to figure out what I did wrong and how to do that problem right--I hope that makes sense.

It's been a busy few weeks, kind of difficult, a little anxiety inducing, but I survived. I'm good at that.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Children

I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I feel bad telling kids not to hit, tap, touch, etc. my head, especially the left side. Over a year later, the left side of my head still hurts. It's not a headache pain, it's physically my head/skull that got bashed into the driver's side window that still hurts--and it's a constant pain which only gets worse when something/one touches or hits it.

I feel like a jerk for saying "please don't (touch) my head," it's such an uncommon and silly request that makes no sense to most people (though most people dont go around touching other's heads). With children, unless they know why they can't touch my head, they think its a game, dare or joke. Today, at church, my BFF's DC tapped the left side of my head and she knows why I asked her to please not do that again, so she stopped. Another church friend's DC heard my request, came over and tapped the right side of my head after I asked the first DC to stop. The second DC didn't know why I asked the first to not do that, she probably thought I was kidding or she was special...I don't know. She was scolded  by her parent. Neither child's actions seriously bothered me, though my head was aching pretty bad. The first DC really touched a sensitive area on my skull, so that started a headache. The second DC didn't touch the injured area of my skull, but she decided to test why I asked DC1 to stop and got scolded herself. It makes me feel bad and I'm annoyed the pain won't go away.

I think I'll remind BFF to tell her DC about my head aching, then tell other church friend so they may tell their DC as well.

Work is going good, though. That's a plus.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

My Boy is turning two in two days.

I'm so sad. Where has the time gone?! How did he go from such a tiny little peanut to such a big little monster?

He's grown so much over the past 24 months, it's amazing and unbelievable. What's really upsetting is that I missed a good portion of that time. I really want that time back. He knows so much now. He's so smart and learns quickly.

Gosh, my little guy...he's growing up!

Friday, August 9, 2013

Personality.

I wanted to write something but there wasn't anything of much significance that happened today for me to journal about. Then, I'm lying in bed and a memory came to me, which I won't go over because it upsets me to continue thinking about...

I have an injured brain. I am still recovering from a traumatic brain injury, I've recovered significantly but not fully. Some things about me are different and other things remained the same--all due to the massive head trauma I suffered. Knowing that: I cannot say that I am the same. No. I am different. I am a different person post-accident than I was pre-accident.

I am still a good person. I still have morals, sense, honesty, good ethics and values, plus more. I didn't become some awful, mean, heartless creature, I don't lie, cheat, or steal; that's not me.

So being struck by this memory, I thought: a person must truly be ignorant if they think brain-trauma does not cause a person's personality to change. Our brain encompasses all of who we are, how could brain-trauma not affect who we are?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

First day of work!

I start at 5pm this evening, couldn't go to bed early last night (anxiety for today) and woke up early! Great, hopefully I'll be able to nap before my shift. When the Boy wakes up, I'm going to play with him until nap time.

Today should be fun!


ETA (08/07/2013):
The Boy and I had fun today. I forgot about the chiropractor appointment that I had, so when I remembered, we actually played for less time than expected which is sad. Work was pretty dead today so I was sent home kind of early. Although I've worked with this company in the past, I'm working in a different position than before so it was a fun learning experience. I have work again tomorrow and Friday, so that's great.

Talked with my friend today. So... now I'm just kind of bored and probably should go to bed.

Monday, August 5, 2013

I'm amused..

I went and looked at things I had written back in 2011 and my writing's progression (or regression, rather) from then to now. My sentence structure and word usage differs greatly. However, the "crazy" way that I write has, in my opinion, remained the same. I have to read some sentences that I wrote more than twice before I understand what I had meant. My writings amuse me.

Tomorrow, I do not believe that there is anything planned. Hubby has class and I will be home entertaining the Boy. I did not make any phone calls today and I'm not exactly sure why. I must remember to make those calls tomorrow.

I start work on Wednesday! Yay! I've still got a couple of weeks before Fall semester starts, which is great. Hopefully I can get through these classes as well as, if not better than, Summer semester.

I am knitting another wool soaker for the Boy, the pattern is slightly confusing but mainly because my brain is just not operating on this pattern's level anymore. As in, I would have been able to understand it before the accident and now it's just taking me a bit longer to understand it.

I'm going to go to bed now since it's late. Sweet dreams, readers.

I start work...again.

Wednesday I start working, yay. Now, I need to figure out our finances and budget. I really need to reign in my depression which sends me off on spending sprees. Hopefully things will be fixed come December.

The boy is getting so big and he's already super smart. He makes me more and more proud of him everyday. His birthday is soon and I'm excited. We'll need charcoal but I'm sure I'll figure that out before his actual party. Also, I hope my new boss will give me that time frame, at the very least, off.

I have a chiropractor appointment tomorrow. I need to make a few phone calls as well and rearrange my schedule while listing what needs to get done on our calendar. I'm not expecting tomorrow to be too taxing.

Oh! I don't start school again until the 26th. I'm praying that's enough time for hubby to get done what he needs finished. I also pray that we don't get smacked hard in the face by the upcoming expenses.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Crunchy

ETA (08/02/2013):
Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. I still don't understand why what happened happened and I'm still hurt.

The other day I attempted to explain crunchy to two church friends, I didn't have to and shouldn't have--I was only trying to explain the Boy's behavior towards other children and sharing. Apparently crunchiness and using information from the Internet are offensive to these people because they made derisive comments, scoffed and walked away. Then, they proceeded to ignore any further attempts at any conversation.

Okay. I understand I over shared, not only that but I over shared with close minded people. My feelings are hurt, because why cease talking with me completely over what I shared? Seriously, what I shared wasn't even that heinous! I was trying to talk about amber necklaces--because I mentioned them and then was asked questions. What the heck? You ask me a question then get attitude with my answer? As much as they talk about being Godly and good, you'd think there would be more open understanding. But, no. I never expected my BFF or this other friend to react and say these things, I feel they were unnecessarily rude. Maybe BFF felt like she could be an ass because this other friend was there? If so, I don't need "friends" that have to act like an ass to look good or make me look bad.

I should plan something else for the Boy's birthday, I honestly don't think I want to be around the church people I invited (if this is how they behave). I'm even considering a new church, I just can't believe the foolish choice of words and hurtful attitude.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Here's an overly informative post.

I recently decided to get Paragard a copper IUD that is good for 10 years. Yeah, I'm sad but it's for the best right? Oh, and I guess I haven't been regular, but I wouldn't know since I just started keeping track last year (yay, for period apps). Last year once cycle was like 50 or 60 some days, that's a lot. So, I expected one of these months to follow suit. I'm almost two weeks late, which is no big deal and I'm expecting to start bleeding like a stuck pig soon. Yay for being a woman.

Otherwise, I wanted to finish the math work that I had missed on the online computer program that my class was doing this semester. I couldn't finish up the work because the program is closed up, which is sad. I have a feeling I'm going to fail which sucks....especially if I have to retake the course.

Grr. Argh. Oh, I need to go take my medication.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Feeling neutral

I'm not as badly depressed today, in fact, I don't think I was that snippy. I could have been, but I don't know. Don't feel annoyed, angry, sad or depressed. My mind isn't wandering and my thoughts are more focused--redundant sentence, much? Lol.

Tried to make appointments earlier but no one answered the phone. I went to my chiropractor today with the boy. One of the discs in my neck is significantly degenerated, which is sad and explains the pain, numbness and tingling from my neck down my right arm, hand and fingers. All this time I thought it was carpal tunnel and that being disproven earlier this year, no one told me what was going on until today. The chiropractor said it was probably due to the car accident, but I'm not sure since these symptoms started when I was ~16 years old and they only got worse after the accident...if that makes sense. I have to go for six appointments in two weeks to see if there's any improvement. Although, I wonder what they can do about a degenerated disc. Oh, and my neck curves backwards, now to figure out how to explain that one...

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Okay. So, I was melodramatic.

I'm doing a bit better now. I refilled one of my antidepressants, took one today and I will continue to take them daily until all my triggers go away and leave me alone. At most, it'll be two weeks before I feel a significant difference, however I already feel better now and I think that's mostly in my head since I know I took the meds.

I'm planning the Boy's birthday party and am very excited about that. I have been asking my friend for two (or has it been three?) weeks if I could use a specific location and she has yet to answer me. I gave up on that since obviously I'm not going to get an answer, and I moved his party to a different location. I'm not sure if I have to contact anyone for it, I hope not, but it's going to be there. We're going to have fun. I don't have the money for decorations but there will be tons of food and hopefully a lot of children and games. My son has so much fun, I hope that he doesn't get overwhelmed by his party. At the same time, I hope that it's not a tiny party with a bunch of no-shows. That would make me sad, if no one showed up.

Life needs to start getting better already.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Yesterday was fun.

I met my BFF, her kids and family, then later on another friend of mine from church, at the amusement park. BFF's kids had a blast, along with their cousins on all of the rides. My son had a lot of fun and it was a long day for him. He really enjoyed the roller coaster and the rides that spin. BFF and her family left after maybe an hour, which was fine.

The Boy and I stayed a bit later because my other friend's daughter wanted to go on more rides that she missed from arriving a bit late. She had the best of times! I felt bad because we all had to leave before she got to experience the roller coaster, but we had to go to church. It was all in all a great day.

I know the Boy and I probably won't be able to go back to the park this coming weekend, so it's a good thing the tickets don't expire. Maybe we'll all go next weekend.

ETA (7/22/2013 3:45pm)
It was a cheapy kid's amusement park. Nothing fancy like Six Flags or Walt Disney, btw.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

A couple of things...

Blocking you like a boss! Lol, I like that term.

Church is tomorrow and I'm excited! There's a lot of good things planned for morning and evening services. I have to ask permission for an event, but I might forget (hopefully not). I can't forget to go to the library, either.

I should probably make The Boy something, perhaps a sweater? I don't know. I have to finish the soaker I started a few weeks ago. I keep meaning to make myself a shawl too.

Hmm...just so much I want to do.

I hope that certain people don't feel that they are the reason for certain events in my life, either. Life happens, decisions are made, then life goes on. I do what I want, how I want, when I want, so it's not like anyone else but me is to blame. I wish I could talk to someone about some things, just for clarity and peace of mind, though.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Lies. (+1)

I was informed, again,  that my sister-in-law misses my son. Where's the lie, you ask? Mainly: I don't believe it. Why would she miss my boy after stealing food out of his mouth? What, does she miss being able to steal from him/us? That's the only conclusion that I can come to. It's no big deal, though. She will not be given another opportunity to meet our boy. The other thing I'm thinking is that my mother-in-law is lying again, trying to get Hubs to reconcile. Mother-in-law has tried it before, earlier this year. Back then, mother-in-law told hubs that sister-in-law was crying and begging forgiveness (so that we can all be "one big happy family"). Hubby and I know that was a lie, since Carrie spouted on her Facebook that mother-in-law had told her we had done the same thing of crying and begging. The thing is: you could not pay us to reconcile with her and she's so "hurt" over being caught and prosecuted that she doesn't want anything to do with us.

I don't know, maybe Hubs and I are the odd-ones-out since we don't believe that "family can do no wrong". I guess I understand that most parents want their children to get along and everything to be hunky-dory. It's just not going to happen.

We just take the law seriously, I suppose. No one is above the law, so why make exceptions just for "family", you know?

Otherwise (+1)

I need to finish up my homework so that I'm set for finals. There are some problems that I have to really focus on because I am so completely baffled by how this program is getting it's answers! Also, summer semester is almost complete. I think that fall semester begins one week after? I don't know. But, I'm psyched!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Today is already a long day.

And, it's only 1:30pm! The Boy and I had an early morning appointment. Hubs had to go to classes. Later this afternoon, closer to early evening, the Boy and I are going to another city for a party. Or, at least I ought to bring him, it's just that it'll be a late party and I like to keep him on his sleep schedule. Maybe I won't have to stay for too long, hopefully not past his bedtime.

I'm so proud of the Boy, too. He's talking a lot and he loves climbing. I try and keep him busy outside, climbing on jungle gyms. He seems to have a lot of fun with that, although he tends to just like the play-steering wheels. I don't think he's too keen on slides or the swings, which I'm sure it'll just take him time to get used to.

Also, I'm very happy to announce that his teeth are quite healthy: no cavities! Tooth brushing, FTW!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

3 years!

I can get my associates in nursing in 3 years minimum! Yay! I'm excited about that. Now, to go find work while going to school. Other than that, my BFF is trying to start schooling again herself and I'm excited for her!

Now, I need to figure out what exactly I need to finish in order to get this other thing done so that I can focus better on college.

These past 3 weeks have been tough and I now have a migraine.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I am so done.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

That's what I got for you. Because I have several things I want to blog about, which would make me feel so much better, yet I cannot blog about them because you keep stalking me! You freaking creeper, I'll vent my feelings on you, since you want to keep coming back here to see if I'm talking about you. All I want to do is journal out how I feel about various situations going on in my life and there you are, reading up on what I'm doing or feeling, maybe to make sure I'm not talking about you but mostly so that your dirty self can badmouth me to your dirty friends and family. Just so you know: I don't want to vent out personal frustrations against you and your nasty self because I'm completely over you and your drama. No, I want to vent personal frustrations about my personal life, which honestly does not involve you. It's my business which I choose to not include you in on. You don't deserve to know what I'm mad about!

I'm so mad! Nothing is easy! Nothing is going my way! I can't even yell about what is irritating me! I can't blog about it! Gah! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Update

I wish that I could update on the board. Well, I mean I know I can, it's just I also know that my posts are starting to annoy some people--which I want to avoid and so that's why I'm creating this blog post just in case anyone tracking my progress wants to know.


  • I love my husband to pieces and I hope that we find out what is wrong with him soon because his illness is really taking over and I hope that we can fix what ever it is.
  • I asked God what would be the better path to follow and He told me nursing. I re-registered for my nursing prerequisites and will start those this Fall.
  • I should be done with my licensing in ~3 years, which is fine. In the mean time: more babies (lol).
  • I will be starting work at a new facility soon, I hope as soon as next week. I will get more sleep during this time since I know I need more sleep now than before.
  • I wanted to take as many classes as my brain can handle and I think that two will be my maximum this semester. Hopefully by Spring, I will be able to do 3 classes...one class at a time, right?
I'm really pushing my anxiety back because worrying about what needs to get done is not helping anything. Right now, I'm focusing more on the different things going on instead of what needs to get done which is helping me.

Now, to figure out some different options.

You probably don't know, but I'll ask.

You know when something happens and you don't know how to react/respond and it brings back memories and feelings of traumatic events? Well, if you do know or you "get" what I'm asking, then: yeah, that's how I'm feeling currently since. Yeah, I know that's a confusing statement when you have no idea what I'm saying or talking about, but that's the best way I can explain it. I can now not only empathize with my BFF, I can also sympathize. I'm just not comfortable right now and I don't know what to do in order to be comfortable again.

My BFF invited me out for tomorrow and I have a couple of phone calls to make. So, not sure but tomorrow may or may not be busy. Today was fun with her. She called me up to keep her company at a picnic and the kids all had fun.

Also, I had needed my doctor and he was unavailable. So, the receptionists tried to "make it better" by scheduling the appointment I needed for one month after I needed it. Then, my doctor's personal secretary called me, after I left a message to him, and fixed this problem so that I saw him this week instead of a month from now. I do understand that my doctor isn't at my beck and call 24/7, however my future employers and educators aren't on his or my schedule so I've kind of been between a rock and a hard place. I'm glad that it was fixed and I really appreciate my doctor and his secretary for it.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Low BP, headache and nausea

I had a follow up today with PM&R. My blood pressure was low, about 88 over something I can't remember. They took it twice, both times it was low. Asked if I had a headache or nausea or vomiting--I didn't at the time, but 2 hours later I have a huge migraine that will not go away. The migraine is still there and nausea has followed since an hour into the migraine. I don't have a sphygmomanometer and I kind of wish I did, if my BP is low along with these other symptoms: I need emergency care. But, I can't drive with these symptoms either so, I'd need to call 911, which I'm not comfortable with. Going on eight hours with these symptoms. Crap.

I'm going to try taking Advil. I've kept myself hydrated and I ate throughout the day, so I don't know (besides ER) what else to do.

ETA (07/12/2013)

I don't know what it was that gave me such a debilitating headache, but I'm better now. Still not sure if I had low blood pressure, but I suppose it's no longer a big deal considering I'm still here. 

Maybe it was because I was past exhaustion. I did go to bed late Sunday evening, approximately 1 am, then I woke up early with our boy at about 6 or 7 am. Then, there were some things that needed to get done until about 4 hours before I needed to get ready for my shift. I wanted to take a nap before getting ready and leaving, but I was not able to do that. By the time I had gotten to work, I had been up for about 16 hours and my shift was going to be 8 hours long. Not only that, I also had classes starting at 11 am Tuesday morning and by the time I got home, I would not have had time for a nap. That would have been a grand total of 31 awake hours before being able to go to sleep.

Due to the initial lack of sleep before my shift, during my shift I was not "feeling it". I was not in the mood to do anything. Currently I feel like a failure that I didn't try harder, but deep down: I know I did what was best for my health. I really did what was best for my health, (assuming) considering that a day later I was suffering from such a terrible migraine, nausea and possible low BP.

The Advil did help after awhile and then I had a full night's sleep, so I'm good now.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Okay. I'm back and really creeped out.

Apparently, someone has made a fake profile--another fake profile--and friended me, once again, on Facebook. Seriously, I'm not posting anything "special" or "private" on my Timeline that you can't see....except pictures, I'll be honest there: you can't see my family if I don't know you. If I don't know you from "BBC" or IRL, then I'm sorry: I will not accept your friendship. Now, if you know me from one or the other: message me and tell me from where, which board, when and what post (the "other" inbox is fine, I check it regularly). Yep, those are my stipulations and if you know what I'm talking about: great; otherwise: piss off. Yes, I accepted one fake profile and they "unfriended" or "blocked" or "deactivated" their account--I should have known better and did a little digging before accepting. Now that I'm a bit more aware and "on edge", I won't be accepting you unless I know you. Remember a few blog-posts back, I told you (summarized) "Get a life"? I meant it. I meant it for you and your friends. Eat some 'shrooms, level up, grow up and get a life.

Anyway.

I need to go to bed, there are phone calls that need to be made early. Then, I have to take a nap before work, shower, then leave for work. I am not excited about this. I can't wait to get things finished up so that I can start the new path I am planning, there's so much going on it's insane! I need to remember to go drop off some applications, too.


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I wish I had someone IRL to talk with.

I'm frustrated and emotional, which although for others it's annoying: I'm still allowed to feel this way. Yes, part of it is because of my brain injury, part of it is because what's happening really is more annoying than it should be, more difficult than it should be, more work than it ought to be. I'm in counseling, which helps me deal with some pretty rough emotions and hard times. Honestly, though, aren't I allowed to complain to someone? Aren't I allowed to ask advice? Aren't I allowed to be frustrated? Is my counselor the only person I'm allowed to talk with?

I'm so lost.

Anywho. Recent events: I'm going on hiatus. Give me a little while, I'll be back.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Step 1: Complete

The plan was to get an appointment scheduled so that I can get my work schedule made up--they want to make sure I'm healthy enough. I scheduled that for tomorrow, so afterwards, I need to call staffing and get a work schedule. After my appointment, DH has his own. Then, after our scheduled day is complete, I need to buy him an agenda. Hopefully the gas in our vehicle lasts until the twelfth or twenty-sixth.

What I'm switching to, that health screening has been scheduled, now I'm waiting for my personal doctor to get back so I can get a letter from him.

I need to map out the things that need to get done...

Monday, July 1, 2013

Up and Down. Repeat.

I don't quite understand why it's happening but apparently: that's it. My emotions are just going up and down and up and down and up and down (etc.), mostly anxiety driven.

  • I want babies. I really, really, really, really, really, really want babies. I loved being pregnant. I loved the whole experience, even the all-day-all-night morning sickness that lasted the entire ordeal. I even loved my birthing experience; no, I didn't plan anything about it and I didn't have any expectations so it was generally great. The only thing I feared about labor and delivery was the Pitocin they gave me during induction and it wasn't even that bad, it wasn't bad at all. But, I didn't experience the pain of contractions that every woman that's gone through labor seems to complain about (I was honestly disappointed, I wanted to experience that pain!).
    • Can't have more babies yet. This makes me sad:
      • First, because DH isn't doing too well. 
      • Second, we literally cannot afford another mouth to feed yet. 
      • Third, it wouldn't be fair to DS. 
      • Fourth, when we can afford more babies, it won't be for years. Years!
  • The field I was planning: nursing. Well, I'd like to be a nurse, that is a for sure thing. What I don't want is to be a nursing assistant (yes, I know that as a RN, there is the potential to perform the duties of a NA).
    I'm changing fields first. Hopefully I get accepted into the program that I'd like to start August 8th, then while I'm working in this field I can do distance learning for nursing--mostly the book-work because clinicals would require me to actually be stationary somewhere for awhile.
    Until I start this new field, though, I have to work as an STNA. Which is fine. I actually have to get some things lined up before I can start, but I do have the job. I know what I need to do, but hopefully funds align properly so that it's not as daunting as it seems. Funds are a bit tight at the moment, though. I'm trying to figure out a way to afford the gas back and forth (ugh).
  • Our home. Everything in this aspect is fine, I paid a lot in advance so that we are really okay for a year. Right now, because I paid household things in advance, the big worry is gasoline for our vehicle. Now that I've written it out, I'm not exactly sure how I should feel about all this, it doesn't seem as big as I thought it was a couple of days ago.
  • DH's health. I've got him into a new hospital and they are starting from scratch with him, so there are appointments that I need to take him to. I forgot to get him an agenda to coordinate with mine, that way we can schedule things and be on the same page. With how this hospital is going, I'm excited, they are really taking his health into greater consideration than the previous hospital.
  • Gosh, there's more that I can't remember! Hah, that's frustrating.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Agh, I feel overwhelmed. Again.

Things that need to get done are closing in and it's making me more and more anxious as time gets closer. I'm so nervous. I wish things weren't so hard right now.

Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm having a problem

Mostly with comprehending the time I need for all of the things that I want to accomplish, along with the money and gas that is required. Poop. I don't know. It's overwhelming.

I can't understand what I'm supposed to go and do over the next few months. What's sad is that these things have been explained to me, repeatedly, over the past...week?...two weeks? I don't know.

I wish things weren't so hard to understand now.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

God, can I be pregnant yet?

Please? I'll be good and keep my job and K.I.T. with church, I promise. I really do want new babies now, that'd be so nice to have new babies. You know, twins would be perfect...Gosh, the baby rabies is really getting to me. I understand I have to get things under control and stable first, but...come on, please.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Playing the waiting game again

I messaged my doctor to get the letter needed that confirms I'm healthy enough to continue on the path I'm wanting to go. I'm not anxious about it, I should get a response by Friday at the latest. I'm just excited, as soon as I get the confirmation needed, I can start new classes at the beginning of August.

I can't wait!

I have so many questions that I would like to ask but I'm a bit nervous about it. I feel like I bother certain people a bit too much. Like, maybe I seem like I'm a bit attention seeking. I will honestly admit that I do tend to seek attention, which I try so very hard to not do, and there are big reasons for why: like my needs being ignored as a infant/child, not being validated at any point as a minor, along with the various forms of abuse that I'd suffered. Bah, I just wish I could ask the questions I have, but I don't want to get annoying.

Okay, I'm going to go twiddle my thumbs.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Aside from feeling weird...

I'm excited. I should plan out everything that I'm thinking about to see how/when we/I will be able to get it all done. I'm not sure if I can do it all at the same time, ASAP; or if I should take my time and wait.

I already know that switching majors in order to be able to do something that I can get more money faster is doable and when. I just need to figure out if the other things will be okay in the process. There are a couple of people I can ask in order to get my answers, but I'm not sure. The one person that I should talk with is my doctor. Hopefully things won't seem as impossible after I map it all out, than they do now.

The other thing is that the doctors are starting from scratch with DH. Every test they do will be "from scratch", which is understandable if they trust their own doctors and tests more than other's. I hope that they can figure it out, I need to know what's going...we need to know what's going on.

So....those are my thoughts for the day.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Feeling weird today.

Or yesterday.

I don't know what it is, but I just don't want to do anything. Nothing at all. I'm hating people, I'm hating life, I'm hating just about everything... To top it off: I'm not angry or sad, I'm not anxious, I'm not feeling any negative feeling that I can think of. I want to say that I'm not happy, either, but I'm not not happy. So, I don't know. I don't know what this feeling is. It's neither positive, nor negative. Maybe it's a "just here" feeling? But what's that?

I want to go out and do something fun today, but I don't know what. Maybe something will come to me before it's too late. Blah.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Meeting Today, Orchard Tomorrow

I'm thinking about changing careers...it's a big, gigantic, vast change...but it's okay. Hopefully the transition will be easier than I think. At this meeting I was given a lot of information, very quickly, to the point I thought "I wish I had someone else here with me, so that they could help me understand this."

Tomorrow, we're going to an apple orchard. This is going to be so fun! I have not been to an apple orchard since elementary school....which isn't saying much because I remember: trees, maple syrup and a bunch of other nature stuff. I think a couple of different field trips are mixing together, because I'm also seeing wild birds like hawks, falcons and eagles with the trees, maple syrup and stuff.

I hope that the boy enjoys the trip tomorrow. I will be taking pictures!! I love my little man.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Two Things Were on My Mind Today.

Unfairness

I feel as if I am raising someone else's child. How do I explain that?! It's unfair to the Boy. The unfairness will only escalate as/if we have more children. Why? Because: I will feel more connected to each successive child. I feel very disconnected from the Boy because of the lengthy separation between us after my accident and during my recovery. I still have yet to feel that connection again. The main things that are preventing it is that he's a toddler and wants to be independent, which I can respect--but I miss my infant baby who loved snuggles, hugs and kisses!

Not Fair.

Should I alleviate the unfairness by not having anymore children which would allow my love and connection to the Boy grow further? Isn't that unfair to me, though? It sure would be a selfless choice and act, to do that for my Boy.

Not Fair.

Where is the lesser of the two evils? Either way, there is unfairness.

Then, what if reincarnation does exist? Should I look forward to that moment, when I can procreate to my heart's content? But, then: what if in that life: I don't want kids?!

Again: Not Fair.

Alas, life is not fair. I'll pray about it and see which way God's will takes me.

It's already been a year (well, slightly more than a year since 03/29/2012)


So, it's been slightly over a year since my brain injury. And, many would think that I should have recovered fully from it. I haven't. Well, physically, yes I have. Mentally, though, I have not. I still have cognitive, logic and emotional problems.

I take things said to me a lot harder now than before. What mainly bothers me is the person's tone, inflection, gestures and facial expressions. The way that I process things got me thinking about how the brain works, like how does the left brain work and how does the right brain work. Loosely thinking, I Googled "left brain functions" and got this website which isn't medical, but interesting. If the right brain is more about emotions and creativity and the left brain is more logic and language: no wonder I'm affected more by how people say things instead of the words they use.

I Googled this in images:

That's kind of interesting. I suppose that since it was the left side of my head (brain) that was severely damaged, I react more to feelings/emotions than logic/practicality. I have a long way to go in regards to my brain healing. The classes I'm taking right now and future classes will help my brain recover better, if not faster.

Also, on a slightly different note:

I cried after talking with a representative on the phone because I couldn't understand what she was saying. The information I was being given was not difficult, wasn't even beyond my scope of reasoning, but she was giving me the information way too fast for me to process. And, do you know how hard it is to tell someone you don't know "Hey, I didn't get all of what you said. Could you please explain that to me again, but slower?"--and do you know how annoyed the person you're talking to gets when they have to repeat themselves?

So. Yeah. I cried.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

More big changes ahead

I start work soon, I don't want to but I have to. I would love to be a SAHM, that's always been my dream... I'm changing my major temporarily, too. After I complete the new major, I'll work on nursing with long distance learning. This way, we'll be bringing in money and I can go to school at the same time. Maybe I will even be able to learn a few languages in the meanwhile.

I'm anxious, but this should all be for the best. This week's schedule is full so I have enough on my mind to distract m from anxiety.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Well

That interview was a waste of time. Hopefully tomorrow's is better. DH said his interview went well, we'll hear more on Wednesday. I hope he does get the job. The place is about 20 miles from us, but that's okay, same distance as tomorrow's interview.

I have an appointment early in the day, then class and DH has class. Tomorrow is going to be a busy long day. I need to figure out how we're going to do this.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Is it okay to ask for positive thoughts or prayers?

I hope so. I'm having such bad anxiety attacks the past two or three days. I hope that we get hired and start working soon. I'm not sure if I need prayers for our interviews to go well so that we're hired or if I need positive thoughts for the anxiety attacks to stop.

Tomorrow should be a good day. There's church, that's about it. It should be a peaceful day. I hope tomorrow is a peaceful day.

I fixed my washer issue...

I went to Home Depot last night, trying to find what I finally got today. Last night, the sales associate said no, it wasn't possible to do what I was asking. Today, the sales associate at this other Home Depot (different city than the first one) said that it was possible and showed me the components that I needed.....what I wanted to do was either buy a longer washer hose or combine the three washer hoses that I have. I knew what I was looking for was an adapter type thing, which I was shown today and bought two of. I wish I had the energy to go out again today to buy a longer drain hose, but I'm too lazy. Anywho, this is how I set it up now:

 <--You can see the connection to the second hose, on the floor, under the green towels.

 <-- Here are the hoses wrapping around the shelf unit going to the sink. The top black line by the toilet paper is the power cord, the outlet is between the shelf and medicine cabinet.

 <-- Our bathroom is pretty small, but this set up works, there's still enough room to sit down and stand up, in regards to the toilet. The drain hose is also hanging into the tub, not very far into the tub which is why I kind of want to go buy a new/longer drain hose, but I'm too lazy to do it just this second.


On slightly different note: DH and I both have job interviews on Monday, but unfortunately within the same hour. I'm going to have to figure this out...either he will call and get the time changed or I need to see if the sitter is available. I am a bit anxious, though.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Sometimes I wish I was a plumber,

Or, that I knew all there is to know about plumbing. Yep, weird wish. Mainly because our new washer (Haier 1.46cu.ft.) hooks up to the(a) sink faucet and the drain hose empties down the sink drain (or, currently our bathtub). It's kind of an awkward set up right now as I have to get an extending hose so that our facilities are not blocked.

Other than the awkward setup, the faucet attachment sometimes leaks. I learned, from some very helpful mamas, about Teflon Tape. Also, we have wrenches...so, using Teflon Tape and a wrench, the leaks have stopped--that's a good thing because I'm sick of using towels to clean up the water puddles on my tile!

See those intake hose? I need an extender so that I can move the washer further from the faucet:


The output hose isn't as far in to the tub as I'd like, but it still works:


The intake hose to my faucet:


See, it's a tight stretch:


Also, if you noticed, I have a monkey theme :) I recently bought green towels to go with it, lol. Thankfully, I solved the leak problem so I don't have to worry too much about it now. I just have to make a trip to Home Depot soon, maybe tomorrow.

Hey Carrie & Friend's!

One more harassing comment, any more libel on your FB, anything provoking or threatening: I will report you for harassment to the police. Continuing to lie about me to the people around you is slander, BTW and illegal. I do not lie about you Carrie, what you have done is terrible and illegal, since you did do it: it is the truth thus not slander. Although, I make the UNCONSCIOUS decision to not talk or think about you, mainly because I don't care about you!! I'm done with this, I've been done with it. I highly recommend that you find a new hobby, maybe get off the computer and actually take care of your kids. There are a lot more exciting things in life than stalking me, being vindictive and spewing lies about me.

I'm not even going to defend myself because #1: you aren't worth it. And #2: you know what you did and what you are lying about.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

More Interviews!

This is great, I have several interviews scheduled over the next week. Hopefully I get hired soon! I can't wait. These companies seem decent enough, I've already made it to one second interview...which doesn't mean anything, lol, but that's okay.

Tomorrow being Friday, I think I'm going to restart the Flats Challenge, it's not like I haven't hand washed before... but now it's just for fun. I'm working on another soaker for the boy, I'll be making it a bit longer than the previous one, so it should fit better.

In regards to college: I'm doing very well in my class. I'm very proud of myself. This is something that I was very nervous about, I'm still a bit nervous but I should be okay since it's only one class for summer semester. I didn't know that summer semester courses were accelerated, I'm doing twice or maybe it's just one and one-half times the work that a regular semester is. I'm glad that I only chose to do one class this semester, although if I had known it'd be like this, I may have registered for one more class as a challenge--I'm happy I didn't since I don't know how far my brain is capable of going just yet.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I see what you did there!

Ha ha, nope, I'm still happy. Took me a minute to figure it out, but I will not be drug down to your level.


Job Interview Tomorrow!

Well, I had other things that I wanted to blog about today, but I'm taking the high road.

I have a job interview tomorrow and then another one Wednesday. We'll be keeping DS home tomorrow because he has a cold, my poor little man. Hopefully he'll feel better by the end of the week. Oh! I have to call his sitter tomorrow morning so that she knows what's going on.

At college, I have to pick up a letter from the access office so that I can get the accommodations that I need. I wonder if I should pick them up tomorrow morning or later in the week. It really doesn't matter, but the sooner I get that letter, the better.

I'm excited about tomorrow, I bought some business attire from Kohl's today--they were having awesome sales. At least my friend came with me to help me pick out clothes, I get so nervous picking stuff out for myself. I really have to figure out what's wrong with my printer, too, I need a few hard copies of my resume.

ETA-- I'll probably start up the Flats Challenge later in the week, when it gets warmer, when we're all healthy again and when things stop seeming so hectic.


Monday, June 3, 2013

Day 3: Flats Hand Washing Challenge,

Ugh, I found a tick on my belly button. Gross. So, that made me strip everything down and do a complete wash--sanitize style--on everything. Sooooo, I took the crap-ton of flats for the day plus all dirty clothes and bleach washed them....basically a "give up" but I'm thinking more of a setback instead. Then, DS got a bath where I afterwards scoured him for ticks, thankfully he did not have any.

Now I have an irrational fear of ticks, thanks to yesterday. Bah!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Day 2: Hand Washing Flats Challenge!

Okay, I had a few more flats to wash today than yesterday...but not because I changed him more...it was because I missed a few flats from before I started the challenge. I had about 4-5 flats from today which is fine--he's still sick so I wasn't expecting an output increase. He didn't have a BM yesterday, but he did during the night so when I changed him from his prefold-flat overnight, it was...messy. Again, today no BM...so I'm expecting it tomorrow morning. Anyhow, I dumped and rinsed this morning, then threw the whole shebang into the hamper minus the soaker.

First, my hamper of dirty diapers. They don't look dirty, do they?:


~2T (Tablespoons) of Gain detergent with hot water:


After scrubbing/agitating, ready to be rinsed:


After plain water rinse, now vinegar+water rinse:



Waiting to be hung:


Hung in the bathroom, had to leave up the ones from yesterday because oddly, they did not fully dry:

Friday, May 31, 2013

Day 1: Hand Washing Flats Challenge!

Here is day one: Friday, May 31, 2013 (if you didn't know). I finished the wool soaker on Wednesday, then prepped everything to start today.

I have 24 large GMD flats, 3 (size 2) Thirsties covers, 3 Snappis and 1 hand-homemade wool soaker. Not surprisingly, DS only went through 4 flats today, not including the flat plus prefold that he is currently wearing  for sleep. He got sick either on Sunday or on Tuesday--I'm not sure which day, but those are the days that he was around other children (church and sitter). He didn't eat or drink much, I'm thinking that was because he's feeling terrible with this cold. On a side note: what's odd is when I called the sitter and told her that I would be keeping DS with me today because he had gotten sick, she said "huh, I noticed his nose was a bit drippy but since it was clear I thought it was just maybe allergies"--So, I guess since he had a runny nose it had to be allergies, without calling me to confirm? Well, I suppose I understand since people do lie and in order to "not get into trouble" they would say "Oh! Allergies! For sure!". Also, I only used one cover today since it was neither saturated nor pooped on.

Anyway, he's wearing the soaker I made. I did not lanolize it but it should be fine until I do get the opportunity to do that. The soaker doesn't fit well, though, the waist is kind of loose which looks weird to me...maybe I should have decreased stitches a bit more.

Anyway. Here are pictures of washing them in the kitchen sink:

Filled sink with hot water and ~2T (tablespoons) of Gain detergent:




Rinsing, just hot water:


Added vinegar to hot water for rinse (to make sure detergent is out):


No suds after agitating:


Clean rinsed and wrung out:


Each flat folded in half, twice to fit on hangers, plus cover:


DS wearing the soaker I made (you can see it doesn't fit well, sad.):

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Misunderstood and not listened to

When I try to express how I feel, what I'm thinking, or what I need--really when I try to express anything--90% of the time I'm not being listened to or the person I'm talking to doesn't understand what I'm saying or flat out doesn't care.

I was trying to explain to the professor that I'm working with the access office for accommodations but won't be getting a letter soon....then started to try and say, plus remember what the access office guy told me. Not only did I forget what I was told to tell my professor, but my professor wasn't even wanting to listen...he just kept repeating the same sentence "I need the letter or I can't do anything". Bah! I know that, but holy [profane word], can't you see that I'm having trouble getting my thought out?! It's [profane word] obvious when I have trouble expressing my thought, or thinking of the word I want to use, or finishing a sentence. Most people I talk to, that 10%, actually see the difficulty I have and they give me the much hated "pity look"  and tell me to take my time.

At least I waited until I was out of the classroom before I started crying out of frustration?

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Flats Hand Washing Challenge

Okay, I've decided to go do that. But, I won't start until the soaker I'm making is finished, it's close to done so I'll probably be able to start as early as Friday or as late as Monday. Either way, it'll get done and I'll document my progress here on this blog. This will be fun, I'll even include pictures!

I have 24 flats, I believe. Then, I also have 3 covers. I'm have the bare minimum but it should be doable. Hopefully it'll be just as easy as I expect.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

College started today!

Awesome. Class wasn't too bad, we were given basic information about what we're learning plus a quick review over it all, before the hard-core learning starts on Thursday. I have to register for an online program that our instructor is using. Hopefully FA covers it, if not it's no big deal. As long as I pay attention, take notes and am given permission to record his lectures, things should be good.

I had to drop the boy off to a sitter since DH had his own classes while I went to my classes. I'm glad that she had cameras set up so that I could watch him while in class. **No, I should not have done that because multitasking is not a good idea at this point in time, especially not during college classes.** I did miss my boy though, I cried from the moment I turned to exit the room until I got to the college building. I'm so pathetic, lol, I love my boy so much.

He really enjoyed himself, played with toys, ate all his lunch and socialized with everyone...he even helped her clean up the room of all the toys. He's so polite and helpful! I'm so proud of him. I wish that she would have been more open to cloth diapering but I understand so I bought him some sposies (Huggies to be specific, everything else breaks him out in rashes. And he needed to be slathered with A&D because he is that sensitive or allergic to sposies--which is surprising because he never broke out while in sposies full time from birth to 10 months. My poor boy with sensitive skin. He should be fine the rest of the time though, since I usually put him in cloth.)

I'm planning on starting the "Hand Washing Flats Challenge" soon, just as a personal challenge. Usually it's set up for a specific week in the beginning of the year by a cloth diapering website, I missed it but that's okay. Challenge independently accepted. Lol.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Frustrating!

It's so frustrating when I try to ask a question and the person I'm asking seems to not understand what I want/need, or what I'm saying. It's even more frustrating when I can understand what I'm being told or asked.

I don't like this, not at all. I used to be good at understanding and having people understand me. Not anymore. Ridiculous.

Now, things are coming close, our schedules are running tighter and I'm getting nervous. My anxiety is rising because the time for organizing and planning is running short and there is so much to do...seems like a constant issue, now that I think about it. Hmm.

Friday, May 17, 2013

I PASSED!!!!

Heh heh heh, I passed the CNA test. In Ohio it's commonly known as the STNA test. Basically I passed the test given by the state to be a certified nursing assistant (or, State Tested Nursing Assistant). I am so very excited, I can't wait to start applying for work and hopefully getting hired soon. Slowly as everything is going (which is fine), most of the stuff I planned out is coming together within the timeframe I expected. This is great.

I can't wait to start working. I can't wait to start my college classes. I can't wait to finally be ahead in life!

This is great.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

PM&R, college, work.

I have a PM&R appointment on the 23rd, kind of sucks I can't go in earlier but the college representative said that everything should be fine. I know I need some kind of accommodation but seeing as I've never been disabled before, I have no idea what it is. Also, there are some little things that need to get done on my vehicle, but it's not urgent. Then, I'm thinking about new furniture for the Boy, but I won't be able to look at any until I start working--and that should be soon so, NBD. Gosh, I started filing away paperwork last week and still have not completed it...I need to go do that. There are other things that I would like to get but it's not life-or-death important, so I'll just write it all down and figure out a budget to get it all in time.

I'm so happy, I've been so happy lately. Unbelievable as it is, I am happy. I can't wait to update all of you on BBC when I get my test results!

Oh and:

Hi, creepy stalker! It's nice to know that regardless of how much you hate me, you're still thinking about me!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Test day!

Tomorrow is test day. I need to read my book and make sure I know what I need to in order to pass. Shoot. I have to go read.

Okay, I'm excited about test day, but it's a big test so I'm nervous. Boo.

Wish me luck, please :)

ETA (5/11/13, 8:46PM)
I got finished with the test at around 2 or 3-ish. I think I passed, it was not as difficult as I was expecting. I should go over the skills that I did to see if I did do something wrong. Since tomorrow is Mother's Day, I won't get my test results until around Wednesday to Friday and that's okay. On Monday, I'm going to go to the company that I applied to in order to give them the information they were requesting. I hope that I did pass this test (I think that I did, lol) so that I can apply to a facility and a hospital. Then, I can work in an actual building instead of someone's personal home. Also, I can't wait until starting college.

I'm going to miss being able to spend so much time with Pumpkin, the time away from him should lessen as I get closer to the end of my goals. Right? ...I hope so.

My dearest child,

I love you more than life itself. You are so smart, so handsome, so loving, so happy, you impress me every single day. You are my world. Everything I do, have done and plan to do, I am doing for you. I smile at you when I see you asleep. My heart warms when you come cuddle and hug Daddy or me. When you sit and figure something out that puzzles you, I become impressed by your determination, your concentration and the speed with which you work.

This week, you have been getting angry frequently because we happen to tell you "no". I understand, my love, it is frustrating when you want to do something and suddenly you can't, you're told to stop, you're told "no". It's completely understandable that you just want to figure something out or inspect it a little further. Everything is new to you and we understand. It's fun to learn how a remote works, or how a computer types, or what buttons to push to win that game on Daddy's PS3. I'm sorry, darling, that we don't let you go about pushing all the buttons you want. I know it's hard to hear the word "no".

Everyday that comes, you wake up happy. I hear you start to move around in your bed and you have one-sided conversations. You smile a big, toothy grin when we come to get you out of bed. You laugh and contort when we try to change your diaper. You pull and guide us by the hand around our home or in the store or at the park with a big smile and happy laughs. The conversations you have are always so emotional and emphatic.

Daddy gives you his old phone to play with and you like to throw it around so the battery comes out. Smart as you are (!), you saw Daddy put the phone back together twice and that was enough for you to learn how to put the battery cover back onto the phone. You are so smart! I've buckled you into your car seat and high chair enough times for you to figure out how to do it yourself! You pick up your toys, no one told you to! Where'd you learn that? You amaze me every day. We teach you things and don't even realize that's what we're doing.

It breaks my heart that I will have to start working soon and I'm in tears that I start college on the 28th. I won't be able to get you up and dressed in the morning when you wake. I probably won't see you before you go to bed. I won't be able to play with you often or for very long. I'm going to miss all of this extra time that I do have with you. All of this time that we've had together, I am happy for it and I'm sorry that it won't last forever. You are growing so fast, Pumpkin.

I love you with all my heart, my son.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Time Management

I'm having a difficult time scheduling and managing my time, it's sad. Not only that, but I can't remember offhand what's already been scheduled and when--darned memory. At least I have my planner/agenda.

These next two weeks, I have job interviews. I also have the state test on Saturday, I'm excited and hope that I pass. We also have a few random appointments in between my interviews. Also, I start college on the 28th, which is great but I'm still a bit anxious about it.

My next PM&R doctor appointment is on the 23rd, the representative at college said that should be enough time to incorporate the accommodations that I'm going to need. I'm glad that I've improved/recovered so much since the accident last year. I seem to be getting better every day that passes. It's a bit frustrating that it's going so slow, but there's nothing I can do about that.

I also talked with my case manager and she helped me figure out what is going to happen with the changes that are coming so soon. I'm glad that there are some people who are willing and taking the time to help me, it was frustrating a couple of months ago when it was difficult to understand them and it seemed like no one wanted to help.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Stop living in the past.

That's what I learned today--actually it was more a confirmation of what should be done, made to me (or, rather the congregation), this morning. That's important and something to keep my mind on--focus on our future, I can't change the past. I wish I could change the past; however, no amount of wishing is going to make that happen. So, what am I going to do tomorrow? Will I make all efforts to improve our lives and future? Will I do everything in my power to let nothing wrong or negative happen? Yes, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that all our tomorrows are as perfect and happy as they ought to be. I will also make a conscious effort to not think about the past.

So, tomorrow. There's a doctor appointment we must go to. I also have to call the college I'm attending to double check some information and complete a couple of things. Hopefully, I will have time to read through the skills that I'm supposed to know by now (ugh). No big deal. So far nothing on tomorrow's to-do list seems difficult or has a presence of looming danger.

Anywho. What I was thinking about today:

I really do like my vehicle. No, I will not tell you what it is because I'm paranoid and also have stalkers (yes, creepy as it is, they're there). It's an awesome vehicle with remote start, push-button folding seats, adjustable pedals...and other bits of awesomeness. I really, really, really like it.

Now, I have to go make a shopping list. So....I'm going to go do that now.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Class ended on Thursday!

The last day of clinicals was today. I passed my classes so I get a certificate that I completed the training and am eligible to take the state test. Hopefully the state test isn't as difficult as I'm dreading it being. I'd really like to pass it and get my license. I'm excited, the next two weeks are going to be busy with appointments so time will pass quickly. I need to make sure that I read the skills everyday until test day, I think that will be enough to ingrain them all into my memory.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Last day of classes! Then, college!

Okay, the ADA representative at the college gave me awesome advice and information for what I need. But, it would really benefit me to get everything at least one week before classes start. This makes me sad. My classes start on May 28 and my appointment is on May 23. I did try to get an earlier appointment, but apparently...it's not important? or....this doctor has to be the one that sees me? ...I don't know...it's still frustrating that I can't see anyone earlier, though.

I need to remember to buy a recorder, so that I can get the whole speech and listen to it just in case I missed anything. This particular class is going to be difficult, ugh. I wish things were easier, but they're not and it's no good getting down on it. I should do fine, I refuse to let myself fail.

Today was the last day of classes, but we still have clinicals on Saturday. Then, we won't be doing the state exam until May 11. I'll be practicing and studying until then, hopefully everything will go well. There is so much that needs to get done still...

Monday, April 22, 2013

I'm relieved

I checked online what I owed the college and it doesn't say anything about my financial aid, so I was worried. Well today, I went in to talk to the FA office and she said that it's in the system and I'm okay. But, I still need to check for the Autumn-Spring semesters.

Also, I am doing spectacular in my current classes: mostly A's and a couple of B's! Today, our instructor "tested us out", basically a mock-test. I did horribly, but I just need practice--not to mention that my memory is good for nothing. She thinks that I will do just fine, though, and not only that but I am going to be studying a lot harder now. Now that I know what I need to work on, I refuse to let myself fail.

College doesn't start until May 28th and I still need to register for Autumn. Things seem to be falling into place, though, so I'm really not worried anymore. ETA: I'm still anxious about the ADA stuff, but anxiety isn't going to get me anywhere, I just need to wait until my doctor gets back...

Sunday, April 21, 2013

That was fun

Clinicals were fun, I mean that, too. I learned a bit more and feel very comfortable about taking the state test soon. I didn't like that I was asked to do something that is outside of my scope of practice, (way out of it, considering I am unemployed!) so I refused and found my instructor. My instructor appreciated the info and said I did well, which is good to know since I wasn't too sure if I did right.

There is going to be a lot to get done this week, none of it is difficult but it is a lot. Also, maybe my doctor will get back to me soon about ADA because I am so anxious about that information and going into classes.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Clinicals

This Saturday. On the East side.

Great.

Ah well, it'll be just like any other clinical: facilities aren't usually the best places to live, let alone work in. It'll be just like the other clinicals that I've done, hopefully the day won't go by as slow as my classmates are dreading. This shouldn't be too hard either, the most difficult thing for me is going to be the state test. Ugh.

We went to the college campus today to get some things finished before classes begin. Then, we went to PC Medic to get my laptop. (It's kind of annoying that some things are conking out on me in succession, but that's life)

Things are going to get better soon and I'm very excited about that. I am slightly nervous about clinicals and the state test, but I know I can do it.