Monday, December 31, 2012

My Spelling and Other Brain Related Problems

I've noticed that as I read through my posts, my spelling is sometimes not right or I use the wrong words or my sentences are just confusing. It's kind of understandable because of my brain injury but then some of it is because my laptop decides that some letters don't need to be included in some words. At least the spelling, thinking, word usage, etc. aren't as terrible now as they were a couple of months ago. My recovery is happening rather quickly, compared to other TBI victims. For me, the recovery is slow, but I've always been a fast-thinking/acting/moving person--but I guess for how bad the injury initially was, I've recovered much faster than others would have. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I am very self aware. I know what my limitations currently are, what I've been able to overcome and what I need to work on. I suppose it's a good thing because I know what I've accomplished and can be proud of myself, then I also know what I have left to overcome and can focus on those aspects. Then, it's a bad thing because I know what my limitations are and I know exactly when they affect what I do, say and think...so I get annoyed at myself because it's hard to get over those hurdles.

One thing that I noticed was that I am a very bad patient, as I had been forgetting to take my Amantadine for about a month. It was about all of November and part of December--I'm not sure exactly how long I've been off of Amantadine. I started taking it again about last week and need to go pick up the refill tomorrow or the next day because I am officially out of it here at home. I really don't know what the difference in my thinking/cognitive functions are on or off of Amantadine. I can't tell any difference, to be quite honest. But, I know that I need to talk with my PM&R doctor when I see her in a couple of days to see what she thinks. I think that part of the reason I stopped taking it was because the Boy came home. Another reason is that picking up refills is a lot of work because we have no vehicle, it's cold and snowing and I would have to bundle myself and the Boy up to go walking to the pharmacy. Those excuses still don't make it okay that I've been off of my medication.

I suppose that I can really evaluate how Amantadine affects my cognitive functions and memory after I start taking it regularly again. It will also be much easier after I speak with my PM&R doctor. Here's hoping/praying that my brain heals well and fast!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Yay for New Year's Day!

Boo on this case not having been settled out yet! Boo!

Okay, I'm slightly aggrivated that I haven't gotten my settlement yet--I know, it's a process and I need to be patient...haven't I been patient enough??? I understand that it's a process, it's taking awhile, it happens, etc. etc. etc. It's just that I've been waiting for so long already and there are so many things that need to get done...so many bills that need to be paid, so much debt that we've incurred because I haven't been able to work since the accident. You'd think that we shouldn't have this much debt since we didn't have much to begin with. We do have a lot of debt, though. A couple of things have been let go and then obviously shut off, we've gone without some necessities (like toilet paper--OMG!) for days at a time. It's starting to get well past ridiculous, I'm sick of being out of things, of having debt, of not knowing if the next bill or if our rent will be paid at all or in full. I'd just like something so that we have some kind of cushion, something to pay off some of our debts, something to help me get a vehicle at the very least!

Shoot, at the very least, social security needs to tell me whether or not my application has been accepted. Then, I would know whether or not I can apply for college yet! I really want to go to college, I've been wanting to so bad that it's not even funny. The worst part about wanting to go to college is that even if I can go, I still don't have a vehicle so transportation would be difficult, if not nonexistent.

Ugh, I can't wait for my case to be settled out or for SS to get back to me! For goodness sake people, hurry up with this paperwork already and give me the stuff I've been waiting for!!!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas

The day was yesterday and I meant to post a reminiscence about it but I was tired and went to bed early. Turns out, however, that if I go to sleep at 8:15PM, I tend to wake up at 4AM. Which, I really don't mind because it gives me time to get ready and make sure I'm not forgetting anything. Today, the Boy and I have a big day. We'll be going out, I have to go trade in a few things and then purchase a few necessities. It is going to be snowing, my friend told me that we're expecting a blizzard and I'm not excited about that. I'm worried about my husband because he has been and is going to continue walking until I get a vehicle...and he has work today.

I'm putting the Boy in disposable diapers today while we're out because I'm bundling him up a lot. He will be wearing jeans and snow pants so that will make diaper changes more difficult. Although I should be changing him often, even in sposies, I won't be (able to) changing him every 2 hours like I would have to in cloth. Besides, if I take too long (as in 3 or more hours--with cloth diapers) to change him, he leaks through and soaks his clothes.

On to Christmas. We are poor, I'm not ashamed of it or embarrassed, it's a situation that can (and has) happened to many. We can only afford the necessities so we couldn't get the Boy presents ourselves. Now, how embarrassed am I that many people asked me if we had bought the Boy anything? I was very embarrassed and felt really guilty that we had not. What did people do? These people were so nice and spared presents for the Boy--which he is enjoying to the fullest extent that a one year old can. I literally almost cried out of appreciation and happiness at the generosity.

Now, today. I will be going to Bible study, since the Boy's bedtime is 7PM now because he refuses his second nap and will sleep until tomorrow 7AM. Until then, we'll be out walking to the stores that I need to go to, in order to accomplish what needs to be done. So, I'm going to get the Boy dressed after slathering a-crap-ton of lotion and Vaseline on him because he has bad eczema and I don't want it to be exacerbated by us being outside most of the time.

Yay...

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Christmas is Coming!

Well, the case hasn't completely settled out yet and it being the holiday weekend, I'm not expecting anything to move forward until January second at the earliest. Not completely happy that it's taking so long, but it's understandable, that's just how these things work.

We bought the Boy new cloth diapers last week and they arrived pretty early, which I was happy about. They aren't extravagent, we can only afford the lower priced brand (Alvababy.com), which is perfectly fine with me. They work well and I've heard that they are just as good as the higher priced diapers. I was just washing the used diapers, I only got the covers done and I'm feeling too lazy to continue with washing the inserts and wipes. Handwashing the Boy's diapers is...well, it's not hard, it's time consuming. I have to do it this way since we can't afford the $2.50 (wash & dry) every 2-3 days, shoot if we could do that we'd still have the Boy in disposables (ha ha). Since I'm feeling lazy, here I am on the interwebz.

Hubby and I are looking into a few things right now, in preparation for after this case settles out. It's kind of fun, I know that there will always be options out there and if what we look at now is gone then, it's no big deal. I'm really hoping for things to go well, I'm not raising my expectations at all, I like to have fun window-shopping.

The Boy and I are feeling a bit better today, not 100% but close and Hubby caught our cold which I feel bad about. It sucks because he has to go to work and it being the holidays, he'll get fired if he calls off (which I think is ridiculous, he wouldn't call off just to screw around, he'd only call off if he's sick--which he is, but apparently that doesn't matter {?})

There is so much that I want to do, I've been wanting to do, even before the accident and I'm getting really antsy with every day that passes.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

$18K gone this year

Had I not been in an accident and continued working, I would have made a gross income (from April to December) of $18,000. That is before taxes, I would have been paid the whole because as an independent aide, I would have had to put money aside for next year's tax returns. It's really irritating to think that's how much I've lost out on (financially speaking).

Other than that, I was not able to take care of the Boy from March 29th until October 30th. Also, I have not been "Okayed" to drive by my PM&R doctor yet (I had to cancel and reschedule that appointment due to a subpoena). I'm still working on my cognitive functions and memory, my speech is fine, along with my broken pelvis and rib. I wasn't able to start another job, continue with my previous employment or attempt to apply for college classes. A lot of things have been put on the back burner because of this mess.

Oh, yeah! Hubby and I can't start TTC#2 until April 2013 because of my pelvic fracture and my OB/GYN recommending the wait. Grr...

You know when you're down on your luck and it seems like it's never going to look up? Well, I feel like we've fallen in a giant crap-hole and every time we get close to the top to climb out, we get knocked right back down.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

We're still sick!

I can't believe this! The Boy and I were feeling much better on Thursday, then all of a sudden we're sick again. It's not like we were 100% better, but we weren't as phlegmy or coughing too bad--we just weren't feeling like death anymore. I don't understand why this virus is lasting us so long, I'm starting to think it's not a viral infection.

I'm feeling a little bit better than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was not up for doing anything, not even cooking. Today at least I feel good enough to make food, then again I did plan out today's meals yesterday because I was feeling so crappy and didn't want to go through another day of "what am I going to make???".

I finally got up to wash the Boy's diapers, which I have been dreading doing because it takes forever and murders my hands. I guess it's a good thing I spent about an hour hand washing them and then was able to find a few quarters so that they could be extra rinsed in the washer. Now, they are hanging up under the ceiling vent so that they dry faster.

I can't wait for things to finish up already...Hasn't it been long enough?!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Waiting...

Well, I wanted to see my PM&R doctor Monday but instead needed to be in court. I was hoping to be cleared to drive by the end of the appointment but now I have to wait for the rescheduled appointment. This kind of sucks because it's an extended wait. At first it was going to be in February but after messaging her, she said she may be able to see me early in January. I'm hoping that she's right and I'll be able to see her earlier, but it's really not going to make a difference until I get a vehicle to drive.

That reminds me, I'm still waiting for my accident case to settle out between the insurance companies. I don't understand what is taking so long, but I don't want to rush my lawyer because he is probably trying to get us the best settlement we are entitled to. For the past week I've been wanting to leave a message asking about the progress but I don't because I don't want to pester him. I hope that my patience pays off because I'm getting anxious and thinking that we won't have anything before next year--and that scares me because I really do need money for my taxes before April fifteenth, since we drained our accounts to pay bills ever since the accident.

Ugh, I'm so anxious and worried. I hope this doesn't take any longer, my only anxiety are the coming taxes, other than that we're doing okay...It's just, I'd like the anxiety to go away!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Bah!

There is a court case I have technically been a part of for two years, the first half has been completed, now they are going into the second part. I guess I understand why it's taken so long, it's just kind of  bad timing for them, seeing as they are now contacting me post accident. Being subpeonaed and having to cancel an important appointment to my PM&R doctor just so that I can go to court is not only irritating, it's making my anxiety worse. I just got the letter, which says I'm supposed to call before appearing. Well, I'm supposed to appear Monday and I got the letter Friday night at ten in the evening because hubby has the only mailbox key and checked it late. All I can do is leave a message for them and cancel my appointment, which I'm almost positive they won't be happy about my not calling early enough.

This sucks for me because I'm not able to remember a lot of what happened. Like, I remember generally what had happened, but the specifics are eluding me. My memory is going to be a problem in this instance and I'm a bit angry about it. Maybe if I keep thinking about it, I'll remember more. I'm glad I hadn't remembered anything specifically but then they sent me this letter...

It's like something bad happens and you wish with all your might that you could forget, but you never do. Well, I suppose that I got lucky in that aspect this March. Considering the case wasn't completely finished yet, though....this isn't good for them.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Credit Where Credit is Due

I was thinking about what I've been through. I've lost a lot of time, I lost control, I lost independence, I lost a lot. Although there weren't many people around me to help me, the ones that were, did help. I really do appreciate the extra assistance that I was given, when I couldn't care for the Boy. I wish that what happened, hadn't happened because I hate that I had lost so much time with my son. There was a lot that happened during my recovery, I guess I can't hold too much anger against it because I had no control over certain things.

I suppose that I'm a little upset at the very limited options I was left with, in regards to the help I needed. It was scary for my husband when he had to go to work and leave me home alone for ten hours. There was nothing we could do about that, though. I guess it was a godsend that my appointments were almost daily when I was first discharged, I was not alone for too long during that time.. With being able to get the Boy home so soon, I am happy. I didn't think that I would be able to have him home so soon and the extent of my recovery actually surprises me. There are some things that I still have trouble with, but nothing that I can't work on.

I am so glad that I started talking with my friend again. She is an awesome person and I hope that I can pay her back some day, the extent of what she's contributed leaves me speechless. Hopefully things go through quickly. I am getting slightly overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that's going on right now and it seems like it's happening too fast, but if everything goes any slower, I'll be more anxious than anything.

Still Sick

Ugh...The boy and I are still ill, this cold really will not go away. My poor little guy, I feel bad and there's not much I can do for him. Also, I'm still feeling slightly like death because of this cold. This sucks, I can't rememebr the last time I had such a persistent illness. I'm pretty sure the boy hasn't been sick like this before either, I mean he did have a pretty scary bout at four days old but that was completely different. I messaged my doctor, I think I also requested an appointment to see her. She was nice and prescribed nasal spray for me since I can't afford it out of pocket and I'm dying over here with this darned cough.

This cough is seriously terrible. I went to bed late last night because I was washing Boy's diapers, then started coughing so bad I am absolutely positive that hubby's sleep was ruined. I don't like ruining his sleep, he has to wake up very early to walk to work so he needs all the sleep he can get. I ended up waking every few minutes in a fit of coughing. Apparently, looking at the clock, I only got maybe three hours of sleep.

The boy woke up a couple of times, too. I'm not sure if it was just from coughing or if he needed something to drink. When I went in to check on him, he had lost his bottle so I refilled and replaced it. The other few times, he woke up coughing and that yucky, raspy, mucus breathing sound. I wish there was more that I could do for him, it's bad enough there's so little I can do for myself, I should be able to help him feel better.

At least at this end of our illness, I don't feel like death anymore, I couldn't even cuddle him. Now, I feel like I can push through this cold and cuddle the Boy. The better I can help him feel, the less I feel like crap.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

That's Done

I completed the mental health evaluation yesterday, it took longer than I expected, that's okay though. I noticed that the tests were very similar to what I had done in inpatient and outpatient therapies, so that's kind of strange. I suppose that it makes sense if a person has a severe brain injury they couldn't remember each time and each activity, but what about the people that do remember and they cheat the system? That's kind of unfair in my opinion, I think it'd be best if each activity was different, especially if it's for an evaluation like this. I didn't remember a lot of the activities while I was doing them. It was actually quite frustrating, I was trying to do my best and realizing how much I was failing, I wanted to cry.

One of the activities was something like word association or something like that. The doctor read me a list of word pairs (i.e. Road, Street; Zoo, Girl; Work, Smile). I was supposed to list the adjoining word or say whether or not the word pair was in the original list. I messed up a few times and I know I did because I couldn't remember some pairs. Then the other activity was matching symbols and patterns on a board and I know I did terribly on that because I couldn't remember half of the symbols, then I was lost on what pattern they were in.

Ugh, I knew I wasn't good at that stuff anymore but after the evaluation...I'm a bit sad. I wonder how long it's going to take for me to get back to the point I was at before the accident.