Tuesday, October 30, 2012

This County

The one I currently live in and the one that the accident occured in, by the way. I wanted you all to know that this county is Okay with you if you drive "negligently" down their city streets. So, if you feel the need to speed (such as going 65MPH on any given city street--residential or commercial--just like the guy who hit me), you will get off very leniently. This county "does not usually prosecute negligent cases". Had the guy (or you) been intoxicated, or high, or impaired then they would be all over that like white on rice.

However, negligence is not good enough to prosecute; because, seriously, who cares that you were driving 65MPH on a residential street, hit someone and almost killed them, even though you were completely sober and in the right state of mind?

This county basically (in not so many words, because I am paraphrasing) told me that anyone and everyone is welcome to break the speed law and almost kill someone as long as they are sober.

What are the consequences you might ask? Well!

  1. Short jail time--before trial (if there is one) and it's much shorter if you post bond (which I can tell you is not that expensive).
  2. A low fine and probation as your sentence. By "low fine" I'm talking less than $1,000.00 (one thousand dollars).
So! Go ahead, speed through this county (make sure you're sober, though), I encourage you!

Why do I encourage you?

Answer: Maybe the more people that are victimized by "negligence", the more harsh the penalty will be.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Yay!

Hopefully my PM&R doctor says that it will be okay for our son to come home by Wednesday! I'm so excited, this (extended) weekend went very well. At least, to me it went very well. Our son toddles because he is a toddler and it's expected that he will lose his balance, trip or slip and fall. Also, it's expected that he'll fall and sometimes will not catch himself so that his head doesn't smack hard in to something. However, my husband is not comfortable with that, apparently I am supposed to catch our son every single time he's about to knock his little head (which I understand, but it is not always possible). It is also not possible to "catch him before he cracks his head on something" when he's laying on the floor and out of nowhere decides to smack his skull on the ground. He just looks around and then "Oh! Let me just smack my head right here on the floor!", then BOOM! Argh, it's frustrating when he does that, but it's unpredictable and not preventable!

Today, before he went back to my aunts I styled his hair into a mohawk! So cute and his hair is long enough for it! Although I feel bad because I had to use hair styling products; hair spray and moose. I told my aunt it would probably be a good idea to wash his hair out soon because his scalp will get itchy and irritated. I took a few pictures of him with his hair all done up, what a little chunky monkey he is!

Well, I'm hoping that we'll be able to bring him home, I miss him so much it is unbelievable.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Just thinking out loud

Well, technically I'm not thinking out loud I'm thinking in type-out format, ha ha. I had to put this post on hold for a few hours, for my son. Now, I just have to remember what I was posting for.

I know one thing is that I had to change my blog around quite a bit. There were plenty of tiny details that needed to be altered because I found evidence that someone is attempting to stalk me. I don't make it a regular occurrence to post about this person, I wish that they would get a life and stop trying to keep tabs on mine. I suppose I understand, I am that awesome, but I am absolutely positive that people have much better things to do in their lives than to worry about what I "could be talking about". I'm not seeing what is so provoking about me documenting what I've gone through in regards to my recovery, etc. that is here. But, hey, whatever if I'm that important to this person and they find me now, then all the power to them. If they find something to "blackmail" me with or "evidence" to report on me, I welcome the challenge--since the stalker doesn't have anything better to do.

Oh, here we go, my mind is coming up with a bunch of things to add to this post, which are interesting and slightly general.

I don't lie. I have not lied since July of 2010--I'm serious I remember the time that well. Since July of 2010, there has not been one person in my life worth lying to; even if there was: lying is never the way to go. There is no point in coming up with "reasons" or "stories" to cover myself, that takes so much work and effort. Really, lying and coming up with a backing story/reason, you have to remember everything that you said! I'm too lazy for that! Besides, I have experienced so many life lessons over the past 25 years, it's not even funny, I learned my lesson about lying, cheating, stealing, bad-mouthing, etc. I want to be looked at as a good person and if one knows me well enough, they know that's what I am: a good person.

It's a shame that there are people out there who talk wrongly about other people. Why waste your breath if you don't like someone? Or, why waste your time and effort trying to ruin the relationships of that person you don't like, just because you don't like them?

What makes me sad is that this stalker and their entourage say very wrong and negative things about me, which I am almost sure they are mostly lies (I wouldn't know because not only do I not care--thus, do not ask--the people who talk to me don't tell me what exactly is said). Now, I get it, I am meanly honest and have no right to be mad about the things others have done to me. I understand, I need to learn to forgive and forget. The problem with that is: when I find that I've been wronged, I right that wrong and cease acknowledgement of those people. I refuse to "defend" myself against slander, libel and defamation of character; I'm a better person than that. If one feels that I am just that wrong or bad without even knowing me, without trying to prove what's been said, then that is not my problem. I don't need people in my life who choose to believe gossip which is in and of itself: slander, libel and defamation of character.

I keep good people in my life and around me, I'm good with that choice and couldn't be happier. It's a shame that some people cannot find that for themselves. It's sad that putting other people (along with their reputation) down, brings the gossipers self-esteem up. It would never make me feel good or better about myself to tell Person "A" that Person "B" is so thoughtless, thankless and other bad things. When I am not a fan of a person, they just cease to exist, why make an effort to give them head space?

I know there was something else that I wanted to add but I forgot it again! So, perhaps I'll post again about some other random things. Anywho, good night readers!

Effexor Withdrawal

We have our son today. Today is Thursday (well at least for the next 5 minutes) and he came here at about 1pm. I'm so happy, he's an awesome kid. Also, he's not completely walking well on his own. He still toddles and stumbles, but it's cute. I noticed that he cries more when he falls and bumps his head, which is sad so I pick him up and cuddle him for a good long while. He's so amazing and such a miracle.

The other thing is that I noticed that I've had insomnia for awhile now (I'm going to say about a week, maybe more). This really sucks but it's because of the Effexor withdrawals. I'm so very glad my psychiatrist actually listened to me about how I felt with the Effexor, that I'd rather not take it again, and then prescribing me Celexa. I'm going to start taking Celexa tomorrow, so it's going to go with all of my other medications to take and hopefully I don't forget any of them.

I'm wondering what I'll make for our breakfast tomorrow morning. I know that hubby will be gone to work early so I'll only have to "worry" about myself and our son (I quote worry because it's not really a worry, just persistent thinking). I think that my little man likes cream of wheat and I know that he likes scrambled eggs or pancakes, so I definitely have options. Then the other thing is lunch, so I can make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something like that--it'll probably be something more substantial but I haven't thought of anything yet.

It's late now, in fact it's no longer Thursday (lol), so I'm going to go off to bed! Good night readers, sweet dreams!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Medication

Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Although I saw a resident first (how else are they supposed to get experience with helping people) and then the attending came in. We discussed my medications, the past ones I've taken and the effects I experienced. Then we talked about what I would feel comfortable doing, along with what my goals are in regards to therapy/psychiatry/psychology.

I'm glad that this psychiatrist was very open, honest and (what is the best way to word it?) vocal or explanatory to me. It was great that she understood I hated the withdrawal from Effexor, that I felt it was too strong of a medication to continue taking and that if I have to be on medication, I would prefer Celexa or Zoloft. I haven't tried Zoloft yet, but if it's similar to Celexa (as she described to me--but not in those exact words) I'm all for it. I don't want to rely on medications if there are other methods to handle my depression and anxiety.

I'm sure that if I took the time to focus on relaxation techniques, de-stressing and seriously gearing my life towards the better and more positive aspects, I shouldn't have to rely on medication. But, I don't think I'm focused enough for that, ha ha. There is too much going on in my life right now to try going the no-medicine route. I know that, so I'm going back to Celexa.

At least when I was on Celexa in 2009-10 the only side effect I experienced was jitters (shaky hands), both while I was on it and then when I stopped it cold-turkey. Which, btw, one is not supposed to stop any kind of antidepressant/anxiety cold turkey and certainly not without supervision.

Shame on me, since I did that cold-turkey thing on all three of my antidepressant/anxiety meds (Celexa, Abilify and Effexor). I didn't experience any withdrawal from Celexa and Abilify. However, with Effexor...Wow, never again. I will never, never, never go back on Effexor. The withdrawal from that, for me, was not as bad as it was for some other's but it definitely was not something you could pay me to re-experience again! Yuck!

I need to look at my future appointments to see when I will be seeing my counselor again. That's where I will be discussing some of the things that have been bothering me--which reminds me, I need to write those things down and put them in my purse. God forbid I forget what I want to talk with her about! I would be so mad at myself, although what I want to discuss isn't all that important, curiosity really is something difficult to go on with (if that makes sense).

Bah, anyway, tomorrow I need to go to the library and then pick up my prescriptions. It'll be a full day but I'm sure by the time I go to bed I will feel accomplished.

(The other thing was that I talked with my OT and we discussed driving evaluations! So, hopefully I will be cleared to drive by the end of this year!!!)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

As a Side Note

I don't know what it was but for some reason my entire face went numb and kind of felt all tingly like when your hand or foot falls asleep. Then, it felt like there were bugs crawling under my eyelids. Those experiences freaked me out, they happened for about 10 minutes on Saturday, I called the nurse line and they don't even know what it could have been. The nurse and I both said that those symptoms sound like drug interactions, but I'm not on drugs so I'm confused--although it could be because of Effexor withdrawal. Freaked me out it happened at all and while I was reading the most hilarious story ever--maybe that's what triggered the numb/tingly/crawly feeling, plus being off of Effexor?

We're going to bring our son home this weekend starting on Thursday so that he stays with us through Suday. This gives me the trial of watching him by myself. I do have options and ways of relief if I feel overwhelmed, though I am nervous, I do think I can do this. If this weekend goes well--actually, whether it does or not--we'll bring him home Wednesday morning so that he spends Halloween with us.

I hate having missed his milestones, all of the "firsts" that other people got to experience with him... I won't be happy if we miss another holiday with our son.

High Expectations

I was just thinking earlier that I'm feeling better today than I have over the past 7 or so days. That's kind of interesting. I'm wondering how long the withdrawal effects of Effexor are going to stay in my system. I still don't get to talk with my psychiatrist until the twenty-third of October. Yes, that's the day after tomorrow, but that doesn't take away the anxiety I am feeling before then. I don't want to be on Effexor anymore I don't even want to start up the renewal that the nice nurses at my hospital sent in for me to pick up at the local pharmacy. The affects of Effexor and then the withdrawal symptoms terrify me, why would I willingly go back in to that before talking with the psychiatrist? At least I see her in another day.

My thoughts are actually clearing up, I'm able to focus better, I'm motivated again, I'm actually making and keeping track of plans that I want to accomplish. This is all while off of Effexor and during my withdrawal period, so I'm a bit impressed. I know that the insomnia and mania that I was experiencing was withdrawal from Effexor, but does that mean the motivation and focus is because of Effexor too? Another question to add to my list when I go to talk to the psychiatrist.

I'm excited that we will probably be bringing our son home much earlier than I had initially thought. The week after this is Halloween, hopefully I'll have him home before then! He's such a great kid and I love him so much. Having him away from me is torture. When he's here I actually have stuff to do: taking care of him, playing with him, etc. When he's here, it's not like on sitting on the sofa for hours on end trying to entertain my lazy butt on the computer, I'm actually taking care of him; I have a reason to get up and do things.

Which reminds me, I have to deep clean the apartment either today or tomorrow. I did straighten out a few papers I had laying around, but it's not as clean as I'd like it to be.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Feeling better today

Hubby and I went out for a few hours to get some stuff done. It was kind of chilly out, but for the most part, we had a decent time walking to each place we needed to go.

I stopped at the library with him and printed off a few things that I had been meaning to. After we came home, I made us our first meal of the day (I'm that lazy, we woke up and left without eating). I don't know when I'm going to decide to get up off my lazy butt and make dinner (or would it be considered lunch, see as it's the second meal?). Other than that, I filled out my mail-in voter ballot, so I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something.

I'm a bit tired right now, so might take a nap. Maybe a little bit later tonight I'll have the motivation to clean up the apartment...Who knows, oh well, off to Nap Land I go.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Holy Cheese and Crackers.


Another thought just popped into my head. I researched withdrawals from Effexor earlier today while at my OB's. The memory hit me like a wrecking ball as I was sitting here thinking, "Wow! I feel so much more alive right now!"...Yeah, it's called mania. Great.

Then, get this: it's 2:42AM here, right now. Insomnia.

Oh, another manic thing? Several blog posts within a span of 4 hours in one night. Okay, sure, I could just make one singular post--but it would be such a long post! I may be a manic-insomniac, but I'm making it easier on all you readers!

I am going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking that I am not completely detoxed from Effexor yet. Also, I meant to pick up my renewed refill today and forgot about it. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. It was very bad that no one at the hospital would renew my prescription just once more so that I wouldn't be off of it for so long. I couldn't help going off of Effexor for 7 days, that's definitely not healthy. I'm lucky that I'm paying attention to all of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Now, I can't wait for the 23rd to come here already so that I can discuss with the psychiatrist what I should do about Effexor. I need to know when these symptoms will stop. Sure, I'm terrified of taking it again, but I'm more terrified of these symptoms lasting for any length of time. I don't know what I would rather feel.

On the Effexor, I didn't care about the small and unimportant things. I didn't get sad or angry. I was happy, calm or pleased. I don't think "pleased" is the right word, but I don't know how else to explain it. The best way I think I can say it is that I had a weird "Happy-Zombie" thing going on. It was like Effexor was my chemical bouncer, who would turn away all of the negative chemicals and welcome in all of the good-happy-positive ones.

When I ran out of Effexor on Friday, I started feeling anxiety attacks and slight nervousness. Small things would agitate me, but not to where I would lash out. Then as the days went on, I would start feeling more anxious and depressed. I didn't want to do anything, not even feed myself, let alone anyone else. On Wednesday, I felt completely hopeless, my sadness and depression was so severe I felt like two or three days longer feeling like that, I would start self-harming. I broke down and cried for most of the day, wanting to scream--thankfully didn't scream, just cried. Yesterday (seeing as it's already 2:55AM, Friday morning), I felt better. I thought I had finally completely detoxed from Effexor, a very early and amateur "Yay".

Now, I'm noticing all of the small details of the detox side effects. I was hoping on Wednesday that the withdrawals would not get worse. I was really hoping and obviously, no. Here I am at 3AM experiencing differing symptoms because of the Effexor withdrawal.

I've never done drugs, in my life. Thus, I've never detoxed from a drug. Being suddenly off of Effexor for so long, after having been on it for maybe 2-2.5 months, I feel like I'm detoxing. I don't know what to really compare it to, but I feel like it's similar to a heroin detox--it's that rough/hard/scary--and I don't even know what that would really feel like!

Deeper Understanding

I decided after rereading my last post to actually look into "Radical Acceptance". It is more than I thought it was. In fact, so much more, I'm going to have to see if my local library contains these books so that I can rent and read them. There are several blogs, books, articles and websites out there about it. I never even knew!

I'm a bit excited now. Just the first paragraphs from each site I read from, I'm quite interested and want to know more about it. I want to know how "Radical Acceptance" really works, what it really means; not just the meager understanding that I got from the sheet of paper I was given. It's going to take me a few weeks to really know this method. Maybe I won't put so much weight on what's happened to me over the years. Maybe future traumas won't send me so close to the edge again. I can only hope, right?

There are a lot of things I've been wanting to do, research and learn and each day, more curiosity for knowledge comes in. My need to know as much as possible, it's...I don't know, there's so much, I feel a bit overwhelmed, but by excitement, not by trepidation.

People I have been communicating with have been mentioning the library repeatedly. That's great, since I always forget what a valuable resource the library is. I need to take advantage of the information available within the library.

I really do appreciate all of the help I have gotten throughout my recovery. Even the small bits of suggestions and information help me more than anyone could believe. Seriously, one single sheet of paper and now I'm motivated to know more about "Radical Acceptance". Several, independent suggestions for charity programs and the like--individually or group mentioned--and I'm calling and emailing every person I can think of to get the things we need. My unintentionally caused breakdown and detox from Effexor; I'm being encouraged to make right-minded, sane decisions on what to do next. My focus turned from self-pity to, "What is wrong with me?!"-type anger that forced me to focus on what was best for my son and especially for our family. It's too early to tell, but I think that a week of no Effexor and I've completely detoxed from it. I could be wrong, so I'm going to continue with counseling and psychiatry.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Radical Acceptance

 I can do "Radical Acceptance" in regards to my past, no problem! I still don't understand why any of it happened and wondering about it is a moot point, so I might as well keep telling myself "I can't fight the past" and such. The worst part about wondering why these traumatic events happened and why no one helped me at all, is that it brings back all the hate and anger. I get confused because I don't have the answers to why everything happened the way it did.

By the way, that form of acceptance is just a way of accepting what happened: "It happened, no changing the past" "past decisions lead to the current situation" "I can't fight the past" ... Things like that, positive affirmations that keep in your mind that it was not your fault.

I can do that. My mother, being inattentive and promiscuous, though being married (several times) ignored all of the abuse I suffered. It happened, she knew it happened, she knows it happened--but it was not her fault that I was the victim, no: she was the victim in her mind.--I can accept her neglectful parenting. Especially since she is now, for all intents and purposes, dead to me.

I can accept the continual mental, emotional and physical abuse from my father, along with sexually assaulting me at 13. It's easy to accept because he is clinically and medically insane. Yes, being insane does not make you do wrong, illegal or bad things; being an awful person does. The other reason it's easy to accept? He unofficially disowned me when I was 15, so I haven't talked to him in a little over a decade. No big deal, he doesn't exist anymore (to me).

I can accept that I was moved to different homes and schools three times in two years. I couldn't control being in (Catholic) kindergarten (not knocking Catholicism, that's what it was), then being moved to public-school kindergarten. I couldn't control the demeanor of the other children around me. Apparently, it was the thing to do, to make fun of a classmate who moved from the "poor" city to the "rich" city (a whole 5 mile difference in distance). I couldn't control that I was moved once more, the very first day of second grade, to a knew school--why send me when you know you'd be taking me out just to go to the other school? I couldn't control making friends with children and teachers after each move, then losing all contact because I was moved once more. I couldn't control that my second, second-grade teacher transferred schools after I adored her as a person and teacher--2 weeks in to second grade. I couldn't control the weekend visits to my father's house, where my brother and I would be sat on the floor in front of father's recliner so that he could lecture us about nonsense for four hours, minimum. I couldn't control that at seven years old, he sat us down and talked for hours--through lunch then dinner, then telling us that we "deserve to learn about hunger, so we know what it's like for kids in third-world countries." -- I can accept the things I couldn't control as a child.

Once again, I can accept my mother's promiscuity, her need for attention, etc.--because she is dead to me. I can accept that this abuse occurred from when I was 12 or 13 until I was 23. I can accept that she ignored the public record and listing of her third husband as a pedophile, just because he claimed innocence. I can accept that every adult in my life that witnessed my behavior change no one stepped in to help me, though I had obvious signs of being a victim of sexual abuse. I can accept that some people in this world are sick and do sick things to children. I can accept that I was groomed by a sexual predator--a pedophile--and I can accept that his brother, after being released from prison, sexually assaulted me when I was 15. I can accept that had happened to me. I can accept that no one helped me, though I did not ask for help, yet all the signs of abuse were obvious.

Shoot, I can even accept that my last ex-boyfriend was mentally and emotionally abusive! It's awesome he got me out of the situation I was in at 23. That doesn't give a person leave to tear me down daily because he's (ex-bf is) ashamed of himself (and projectively, me).

I can honestly and in all seriousness accept what happened. I can accept the act or situation or behavior; but I can't accept why--why did it happen to me? Why did these people choose to do these things? Why didn't anyone help me?

I can even accept that the guy who hit me 03/29/2012, hit me out of pure negligence. I still don't know why he was neglectfully driving 65MPH on a posted 35MPH city street.

...Radical acceptance...
Yes, it does make sense, but it doesn't alleviate my curiosity as to why it all happened.

Psychotherapy

I don't even know if that's the right word to use. Anyway, I saw a counselor today, we discussed my current and past traumas. Apparently, I have been through a lot of bad/negative stuff since I was two--that I can remember anyway. Sometimes having a good memory is a Godsend and then, it's not censored, I remember just about every event that's happened since I was two.  Good and bad things, things that a person usually wants to forget; I remember them all. Maybe not the finer details of each event and not every.single.day. However, besides my infant year of birth to one, there is not a year I don't remember some fragment of. (I hope that makes sense) Even pictures from my childhood as early as two, if I see it, I remember it as if it were on video.

I suppose it's a good thing that I've seen approximately 5 psychiatrists/counselors/therapists/psychologists since 2010? Maybe? I'm guessing it's good for each of them, especially if they get my mental health records together. I've told the same story to each one of them, nothing has changed. I feel like a tape recorder, rehearsing my whole life each time. Sometimes I think about drafting an autobiography, not that anyone would read it. I'm not famous I'm just some random woman in the world where "when it rains, it pours" every 3-6 months or so. I'm sure there are thousands, if not millions, of people out there who have been through similar or worse. I really don't think putting my life story out there would make a difference. What's that thing called when you can relate to a person's experiences or past? (Edited 2/10/13: rereading my blog to edit out profanity. Read this sentence, the word I was looking for was "Empathy") Something like association, I don't remember right now. Maybe that's what some people would feel while reading my story? Either way, I'm drafting it up, eventually I'll put it together and highly doubt that it will ever be published. In fact, I'm positive that it won't be, seeing as publishing has certain requirements and I meet none of them.

Bah, no big deal. Just one more thing to add to my "To Do" list, I'll get around to it.

The counselor was sympathetic to all of the things I've been through and what hubby and I are currently going through. We're going to be working on ways or methods for working through these and future traumas. I'm glad that she is the kind of counselor that gives feedback, instead of the usual ones who sit, listen, nod and then prescribe medications. She even gave me a paper on something I had never heard of before: "Radical Acceptance"-- I skimmed over it and in regards to my past, it makes perfect sense; but if I put it up against a different kind of dilemma (like a relative disregarding your parenting choices), it just sounds BSC (You ladies know what I mean *wink*).

Hopefully this will work for us and the fates will aim their diarrhea elsewhere.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Maybe?

I slept through my alarm that I had set after posting the last update. I only really woke up when the transportation guy called, then I had to rush around and be ready to go. (Yay, it only took me 3 minutes to be ready and waiting outside) I was awake for a good five minutes, ha ha. I ended up falling asleep and then actually napping in the waiting room at the hospital. I actually ended up with about two hours of sleep before transportation called. I was not having a good day and you could only tell because I looked so exhausted; I didn't have an attitude or anything, I was just quiet and tired.

Hubby and I took a nap that evening after I got home, probably for about an hour or two (we're talking 4PM to about 6PM). We then went to bed at 10PM and I slept so well! I'm still a bit tired now but I'm sure that the more I rest, the less noticeable it will be.

I suppose that the overwhelming feeling that I experienced yesterday and today was because of the Amantadine that I had been out of. That feeling was only multiplied and made worse because I was so exhausted. It's no big deal though, I started taking the Amantadine again and although I think it'll be a couple of days before I see a difference, I think it's worth a shot. Other than the Amantadine, I've been out of Effexor since Friday. That's definitely not a good thing, considering I've been having bad anxiety attacks and my depression is hitting me harder now.

I'm not sure what caused me to lose sleep that night, but I'm thinking that it was partly Effexor's fault. I didn't realize how stressed I was until I ran out of Effexor, so the stress probably kept me up. I planned on cleaning the apartment thoroughly today but didn't really feel up to it until about an hour ago. That's not so bad, though, I did get off of the computer for about an hour and straightened up our home pretty nicely. I don't think there's much else for me to do, but I'm sure I'll think about it when the time comes.

My PM&R doctor said to try and continue bringing our son home slowly, as in adding a day per week. She also wants me to make sure that I don't bring him home with me to where we are alone and I may get overstressed. That's no big deal, I don't want to overstress myself either. I don't think that it would be possible though, to overstress. Bringing our son home is my main goal and what I want best, I honestly cannot see one reason to be stressed over, with having him home. He is such a good child and like all children he doesn't do anything "bad" on purpose, if ever. Maybe the only thing that would be difficult is if I get tired? Maybe the other thing would be putting him down for naps would be difficult, especially if I'm tired? I don't know, I've only noticed the fatigue on Sunday to Monday, and I'm pretty sure it is because of my medications.

We're going to work on bringing him home and to start with, it'll be bringing him here on Thursday so that we have him until Sunday and I get a decent amount of time watching him by myself. I know I have options out there if I need a break or to relax, so hopefully all will go well.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Need Sleep!

So I have appointments today. Seeing as it's now 2:30AM and the hospital transportation will be picking me up between 7AM and 9AM, I can't say "tomorrow"--it's today already! My insomnia is agrivating me, I'm going to have to discuss this with my doctor today, as well. I can't go through this recovery process without sleep, that would be counterproductive.

We had our son from Friday evening until yesterday afternoon. It was an awesome visit, we didn't go anywhere except to the movie/game exchange to sell some videos (for laundry money). Kind of sad, right? I don't think anyone really understands the appreciation a person or family can have for government assistance and charity, unless they are just barely scraping by the skin of their teeth.

I don't think a person can really understand that appreciation until and unless they are in dire straits with no other options to turn to. I've even heard and read people express the asinine notion that you have to "just get a job"--not everyone has that choice. Some people can't work, some people are employed at a very low pay rate, or with less than accomidating hours. Anyone who has the ability can work, though it's usually at minimum wage and not usually more than 35 hours a week. I've not met one person making minimum wage, working 35 hours or less a week, be able to afford enough to care for more than just themself. Granted, working two minimum wage jobs for 70 hours or less a week, sure one could afford a little bit more. I just can't see that one person with that pay and those hours affording themself and one other person, on their own. Anyway, in our situation I cannot work for medical reasons. My husband is working full time, a slight bit over minimum wage, but not much more. He can't work anymore hours than what he is working, he's not healthy enough for that. He's been ill for over a year and the doctors refuse to take any extra steps to diagnose him! They listen to his symptoms then...Nothing! We're both so very angry, it's ridiculous how long it's been and he's fifty times worse now than he was last year in June.

Bah! There is so much I want to type out and it's like I've forgotten most of it. On a happy note, one can tell that I'm getting better just by the progression of my posts. I went through them tonight to change some things around (names and vernacular) and noticed that my posts are getting longer, in congruence with how much better I feel. When I went through to change some minor things, it was because I noticed a particular detail that needed to be altered--for my safety and sanity, I haven't altered the truth and facts in my posts, just names. Well, I haven't been using names since starting the blog, however I noticed a particular that screamed "The zombies are coming!!!" and I don't like zombies. Whoever has read my blog and kept up with me, if you go back, you'll noticed the "significant" detail change. (Again, I really do appreciate you keeping up with me and the support)

Well, I'm hoping to get our son back home with us by the end of tomorrow or at the very latest, Friday. Either way, I think that's all I planned to write out, but if I remember anything else I'll post again. Have a great day, readers!

Friday, October 12, 2012

PM&R Doctor

Another weekend with our son!!!

I get to see my PM&R doctor on Monday, she will tell me then what her medical decision is about bringing him back home again. I'm so excited!!! My OT told me last week that we don't need to meet again until after I see my PM&R doctor, so I'll see her on the 30th. No big deal though, she's just as comfortable as I am about bringing him home. This is great. I can't wait to see my PM&R doctor about this, hopefully she says that this can happen.

It's only been 2 weekends so far that we've had him home from Friday until Sunday. I've already gotten into the habit and pattern of rocking him to sleep, then laying him on a pillow. For night sleep, I lay him in his crib, he does so well. Usually he wakes up a few times during the night, I'm sure that's because he's not used to our home like he was before my accident. He will definitely get used to our home once again, perhaps it will take awhile but that is okay. I know it will be rough for his little self, I feel a bit guilt about it, but this whole thing happening in the first place was not even my fault.

I haven't been experiencing many affects from my TBI lately. I know that I ran out of Amantadine about two weeks ago and hadn't picked it up until Wednesday. My fatigue has increased slightly but not too bad. Other than that, I haven't noticed any big changes. Like usual, I have word finding problems, slight memory problems and a bit of confusion, but that was even while I was still taking Amantadine. The other thing that I'm going to be out of before seeing my psychiatrist is Effexor. I'm a little bit worried about that, it is never safe to stop anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication cold-turkey. Also, the last day that I think I forgot to take Effexor, I ended up going to sleep with significant anxiety attack-like feelings. The anxiety wasn't too bad, but it felt like I couldn't catch my breath, like I was breathing hard due to a long run, or something.

Anyway, the medication itself is no big deal. I'm excited to be seeing my PM&R doctor on Monday and hearing her decision. This is going to be a fun week. Maybe we'll get our son back by Friday?!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Completely Off Topic, ha ha!

Today I had my son with me from 8AM, the representative from Help Me Grow came by for his evaluation. Our appointment had originally been scheduled for 10:30AM but she didn't come until about 11AM. That was fine, though, my aunt dropped him off to me at 8AM since she had an early appointment herself. So, I got to watch him on my own for about 3 hours and it was great! He is the best baby ever. He ended up taking a nap at about 9AM and only slept for maybe 10 or 15 minutes, then I fed him lunch and the Help Me Grow rep came at 11AM. After she left, at about noon, I got myself and my son ready to go out for a little while.

On a different note, I had not only forgotten about the Help Me Grow appointment, but also about his PT appointment. I can't wait until I get him back, I'll be able to keep track of all of our appointments like before and it won't be such a big mess like it is now.

The first place we went to was Giant Eagle, I had to exchange my nutritional supplement mix then buy sugar. After that, I went to visit my mother-in-law since I figure she would like to see her grandson before it gets too cold for me to go out walking again. She enjoyed seeing him and watching him take his second nap, which nicely lasted from 1PM to 2PM. While he was sleeping, I started getting him ready to go walk to his daddy's work, to wait and walk home with hubby at 3PM.

After my aunt dropped him off with me, I switched him back over to cloth diapers because I don't like wasting her disposables. It's always easier for me to just use the cloth since I can wash it and always have a ready supply. So, I had been diligently making sure that I was changing his diaper every two hours.

When we got to hubby's work, we showed our son off to his co-workers, then to the HR rep. Everyone loved him, expressed how adorable and big/tall he is. When they see how big he is compared to us, they always ask where he gets his height from. Well, it seems to be from grandfather-in-law on hubby's paternal side. Grandfather-in-law is approximately 7 feet tall! We are expecting our son to take after him, which will be awesome. Anyway, by the time I was able to change his diaper again, I had to switch him to disposables and had accidentally not changed him on time, so he leaked through his pants. I think my aunt doesn't like cloth because he leaked out of them? I don't know, but it's okay. I had meant to change him earlier than that but was not able to. I ended up putting him in a disposable so he could go with my aunt and I changed his pants because no one likes wearing wet pants in any kind of weather, let alone cold weather.

All in all, this was an awesome day. I can't wait to get him back home with us.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Praying for the Week After Next!

I'm so glad that my recovery is going so well. We may be getting our son back the week after next, it all depends on what my PM&R doctor says. Hopefully she's positive and says that it will be okay! I can't wait, I miss that little guy so much. I haven't taken full time care of him since 03/39/2012, except for maybe 2 days at most. I've missed just about all of his milestones and never experienced any of his firsts. It's awful and depressing.

The most depressing part is that I feel so distant from missing those steps and experiences. It's shameful that I feel that way, and I love him more than life itself! I feel like I'm going to be closer to my next child because I will do everything in my power not to miss anything like I did with our son--isn't that sad?! Logically, I know that I should not feel like that, that no matter what I will be equally close to all of my children and love them all the same. So, why do I feel like that? I am definitely going to try my hardest and work my best at not exhibiting those feelings or making any child feel less than the other.

Wow, just typing that all out, thinking about it and then rereading it, I feel like a complete jerk.

Hopefully the future is better and everything goes well for us. There has got to be more and better things out there that don't involve us being knocked down a peg or ten every other month.

As soon as I hear back from my SSD lawyer, I'll apply for college classes. I am dead-set on becoming a registered nurse. At the very most, I'm thinking nurse practitioner or go into a management field within nursing. I cannot wait to start that journey. How much worse could it get when I start trying to make our lives better? (Hopefully that isn't challenging the fates...)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Much Better

I'm doing much better, it's especially great that my OT thinks so too and expressed how quick I have recovered. She is very proud and impressed, she also said that she understands that this new push to get moving with my goals (my motivation) just had to come when I was ready, not just because I was doing better. That's great, you know.

We get to have our son home on the weekends, probably going to try Friday to Sunday this time. This is going to be fun, last weekend went very well so I'm excited to try a full 3 day, 2 night visit. He's such and awesome kid, I have pictures and video of his little cute self walking. I'm glad that this process of getting him back home is going so well and very quickly. I was actually getting depressed about not having him home until last month, probably because I wasn't as recovered as I am now.

I'm so awake now, even after only getting about four hours of sleep last night. The short sleep time was my fault, because I'm addicted to the internet and had so much "important" stuff to do...you know, stuff that I could have stopped doing at 11PM and picked back up later today. At least I'm not exhausted like I was as recently as two weeks ago. Hopefully the visits with him will go so well, we can have him home in 2 or 3 weeks!

Oh, gee, now I have to do some recipe research so that I make food for every meal so that I can feed our son. As it is right now, I only make dinner for hubby and snack throughout the day for myself.