Friday, August 31, 2012

Taking a Break

I'm taking a break from watching him this weekend, it's Labor Day (?) or Memorial Day (?), I'm not sure. Anyway, Daddy is off for the Holiday on Monday so I'm spending the weekend just him and me.

I miss my son, he's such a cute baby and so fun. I was able to take him to his physical therapy appointment this week and his therapist is happy at all of the progress he's making. I also got a form to fill out and turn in so that I can access his medical information online for him, until he's 18. I'll probably let him take control of it sooner, as soon as I feel he's responsible enough for it. Certainly will give him full control of it at 18 though. I can't wait to watch him again next week, we have appointments but it should be fine.

I just got all of my medications yesterday and started up on what I've missed this past week, which is good. I'm feeling better, not as negative as I was before the Effexor. I'm confident that this antidepressant is helpful and the psychotherapy will work so that I'm not as depressed as I've been.

Daddy is also taking his medicines and I'm trying to make sure that he's doing as good as possible. I feel so bad that he's tired all the time. Naps help him but I know it's frustrating because it's like he's missing out on doing things.

But, I'm going to go to bed because it's getting late and sleep's good for me.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Watching Him Full Time Again!

Yay! I'm so excited, I get to watch my son full time again. I'm kind of nervous because I'm still tired and it was an impromptu decision. He's an awesome baby, trying to learn how to walk for more than just 2-3 steps at a time and crawling up a storm.

I still get tired pretty fast and often, especially now with watching him 24/7. My friend is awesome, I get to stay with her until I feel comfortable enough to go home with him and I'm not falling asleep in the middle of the day with him. She's not exactly watching him for me at any given point but she is watching me to make sure that my son and I are both safe. So, I feel comfortable being here with her, while watching him. This is really fun for us, it kind of sucks because there aren't many places to go so I'm kind of bored but that's just how it's going right now. There really is no reason to be going anywhere anyway, so I'll just be watching my son and going to our appointments as necessary.

Well I hope everything goes well soon and I don't continue to get tired as much or as often.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

5 Days Watching My Son

...For a few hours a day, at the very least, ha. I'm still trying to get used to looking after my little guy. It's between 2 and 3 hours at a time and each time, I am exhausted. It's not even funny. My friend that I'm staying with can even tell how drained I am afterwards, but she's still proud that I'm able to watch him that long, even at all and that I'm trying so hard. The best part, is that I don't complain, I just go through and when I get tired I bring him back to my aunts. Then I try again the next day, hoping that maybe I won't get so drained after 2 hours, minimum. I know my little guy loves seeing me, he smiles so big when I come to get him. He probably doesn't remember me from his first 7 months of life, but that's okay and I understand. I hope that he gets used to me better and sees me as his mommy instead of some strange lady that comes to look after him a few hours a day. Ha, I'm just scared and nervous.

The guy that hit me really did a number on my life and my son's mental well being. What the hell was that guys problem?! What's worse is that the prosecution "doesn't really prosecute negligent cases, they only prosecute 'under the influence' cases". Well, gee lady prosecutor, my bad for having my life completely turned upside down because of the asshole that hit me out of pure negligence. My bad (end sarcasm, by the way). I'm so angry.

Well, I can only hope that everything gets better from here on out.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Plan is in Motion

According to my therapists and PM&R doctor, I'm recovering really well. They are quite impressed by how much better I am now compared to my first appointments and evaluations. Yay for encouraging health care team! I asked them what they thought about starting the process of transitioning back to caring for my son more often/full time. They are quite optimistic!

The suggestion is to have someone with me while I watch him for a few hours a day/every other day and increase the time until I'm fully recovered and having him is as easy as it was before. I think I can do that. I'm very afraid to watch him by myself because of the potential for seizures--which is a lifelong thing, post TBI. I don't want to have a seizure, pass out or forget to turn off the stove/oven while watching him on my own.

I have several things still limiting me now: I have trouble with words, talking fluidly, concentrating and forgetting things (like turning off the burner). My therapists have worked with me and I'm trying to write things down and set alarms so that I can work around these things. I'm excited I'm doing better, I really want to try handling/watching my son again.

I think it should work fine. My friend will let me stay with her while I try and experiment with this so that I'm not alone while watching him. At least things seem to look like they're starting to look up.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday, we held his birthday party. It was at the park and the weather sucked: cold, rainy, not happy. We had good company, I prepared for more people than actually showed which I was sad but I'm over it now.

Today is his birthday, he was born on August 12, 2011 at 3AM. I remember the day I went into the hospital until the day we were discharged postpartum. It's kind of amazing, one year later (after a recent car accident, no less) I remember those 4 days so vividly. I invited my aunts to come by today for cake with him, since it's his birthday. All I got was a question of if we'd like him for the day--yes, I would like him, but I was hoping you'd want to celebrate too. I didn't even get an answer to "do you guys want to come over tomorrow for cake with our son since it's his birthday". How sad and dejected do I feel.

Great that today it's his first birthday and I'm so depressed because I feel like no one's noticed--aside from Facebook "Happy Birthday's" to my son. I suppose I'd feel more at ease if I knew whether or not my aunts were doing something for him today. I wish daddy and I could spend the day with our son.

I'm so happy he is one today. I'm just depressed it's not how I would have liked it to be.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Goals

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my PM&R doctor and we discussed a lot of things, my recovery, my goals, what I should do and expect. I'm glad that she is patient, she deals with many TBI patients but I guess it's refreshing to me, not feeling rushed through my answers or sentences.

I feel like I want to ease my way back into work but I'm not sure how good of an idea or experience that will be. I think for the most part I can work one day a week for a maximum of four hours, which is nothing to an employer, so I probably won't be able to experiment. I wish that I could start driving again but I know that's not going to happen anytime soon. My doctor said that when I feel ready to start driving, she will support me but she won't pressure me to do something I'm not comfortable with. The one thing about driving that I'm scared of is my reaction time, right now my cognitive and perceptive functions aren't where they were pre-accident. I am getting better as the days go on and I suppose there won't be any real significant change until one year from my accident. I just don't feel comfortable getting behind a wheel and doing something on accident like not noticing pedestrians, switching lanes, merging, speed, stop signs, lights, etc. I guess that because I can't even take care of Pumpkin full time yet, it really is a far stretch to think about starting work again.

I just want things to be normal again. I don't like the anxiety that I get when things don't go like they should.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Squishy

I have my current squishy right now, but I want another squishy. I've been wanting another squishy since our son was born! Obviously, I knew it would be a minimum 6 weeks before TTC and obviously we don't have another squishy even in the making right now. But darn it, I want another squishy!

I don't know who to complain to about this, ha ha. I've talked to hubby about it and even got advice from my OB, because of my injuries. I was told that I have to wait at least one year after I'm completely healed from my pelvic fracture (which would affect pregnancy and birth). Hubby agrees that we should wait, like my OB. I do get it, I understand. That knowledge still doesn't alleviate my want for another squishy.

Here, is another reason why I would like this recovery to hurry the heck up!

Sad

Okay, I was happy and proud of myself for feeling a bit more healed and recovered last week and the last time we watched our son. Now, I know I am more healed and recovered but today, I'm more sure that I cannot take him back full time just yet. We've been watching our son today since 7AM, which is fine. He won't be picked up until later tonight I think and I'm really hoping they come tonight and not tomorrow. At least, I don't want them to have me keep him over night and not tell me that's the plan. It's been 15 hours with him right now and he's taking either his third nap or is down for the night. I am exhausted and the sheer thought of taking him back full time after this episode, is terrifying me.

What would I do if we had him back full time again? I would be too tired to do anything extra, taking care of him and making sure he's busy and entertained would take up all of my energy. How would I continue my rehabilitation therapies with him home?

Right now, I don't have the stamina to take care of him full time.  I wouldn't be able to keep track of our appointments, take care of him, hubby and myself, I forget too much right now, as it is. So, I'm really sad that it's going to be much longer than I anticipated. I knew that it would be a couple more months but I'm thinking it's going to be much longer.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I Don't Like My Brain Right Now

I can't express my words properly, I forget what I want to say and how to say it. I can't even answer questions fast enough like everyone else so the person asking gets frustrated, impatient and annoyed. I get that just by looking at me, people can't tell I'm struggling with my words and answers and I definitely get it when it's over the phone and they only hear me. I'm just frustrated that I keep hitting road blocks at the beginning, middle and end of my sentences.

Really, I was just on the phone with my insurance company because I missed a call and a representative wanted to speak with me. She was very nice and understanding and even said that I could continue the questions later. Well, I just called and the representatives transferred me to the wrong department so the nurse that answered this time was impatient and my feelings are hurt because I felt rushed to answer. I didn't understand the questions he was asking to clarify what I needed and I didn't know how to say my answers. I know that I talked with a nurse a little while ago, but I don't remember what about, specifically. I know that it was my health--but I don't know. Then, I started crying and told the guy I would call back and start over. My poor husband feels bad and knows how hard of a time I am having. Hubby said to try calling later tonight or tomorrow to continue the questions, I just have to calm down and feel better.

Maybe it's not so much that I hate my brain, but that I hate when people are impatient, rushing and kind of rude.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Eleven Days To Go!

Our son turns one!!! I'm so excited for my little man! He's learned so much in these 4 months, I'm so proud (and disappointed in myself for not being able to help/teach him for the first 8 months of his life). I know that I should keep in mind that my aunt is the one watching him right now, she has two of her own teenagers and is a superb mother. Also, I should be proud of what he accomplished while with me and I didn't have the knowledge or experience to help him along. Keeping those in mind, I shouldn't be so down on myself, it wasn't my fault and it was not my son's fault either.

I'm so excited, we're having his party at a park and there are so many people invited! There aren't too many, not like over 20 but it is still a lot of people. Geez, I have to figure out what to feed them! I hope that most of mine and hubby's family can attend--at least the nice, sane ones. I have no idea what we'll all do. I know I can bring a radio, but then I have to buy batteries for it, ha ha. Also, I need to figure out what everyone will eat and prep all of that.

Plan, plan, plan! That's what we're going to do for the next 5 days!!! Ha!