Friday, October 19, 2012

Holy Cheese and Crackers.

Another thought just popped into my head. I researched withdrawals from Effexor earlier today while at my OB's. The memory hit me like a wrecking ball as I was sitting here thinking, "Wow! I feel so much more alive right now!"...Yeah, it's called mania. Great.

Then, get this: it's 2:42AM here, right now. Insomnia.

Oh, another manic thing? Several blog posts within a span of 4 hours in one night. Okay, sure, I could just make one singular post--but it would be such a long post! I may be a manic-insomniac, but I'm making it easier on all you readers!

I am going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking that I am not completely detoxed from Effexor yet. Also, I meant to pick up my renewed refill today and forgot about it. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. It was very bad that no one at the hospital would renew my prescription just once more so that I wouldn't be off of it for so long. I couldn't help going off of Effexor for 7 days, that's definitely not healthy. I'm lucky that I'm paying attention to all of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Now, I can't wait for the 23rd to come here already so that I can discuss with the psychiatrist what I should do about Effexor. I need to know when these symptoms will stop. Sure, I'm terrified of taking it again, but I'm more terrified of these symptoms lasting for any length of time. I don't know what I would rather feel.

On the Effexor, I didn't care about the small and unimportant things. I didn't get sad or angry. I was happy, calm or pleased. I don't think "pleased" is the right word, but I don't know how else to explain it. The best way I think I can say it is that I had a weird "Happy-Zombie" thing going on. It was like Effexor was my chemical bouncer, who would turn away all of the negative chemicals and welcome in all of the good-happy-positive ones.

When I ran out of Effexor on Friday, I started feeling anxiety attacks and slight nervousness. Small things would agitate me, but not to where I would lash out. Then as the days went on, I would start feeling more anxious and depressed. I didn't want to do anything, not even feed myself, let alone anyone else. On Wednesday, I felt completely hopeless, my sadness and depression was so severe I felt like two or three days longer feeling like that, I would start self-harming. I broke down and cried for most of the day, wanting to scream--thankfully didn't scream, just cried. Yesterday (seeing as it's already 2:55AM, Friday morning), I felt better. I thought I had finally completely detoxed from Effexor, a very early and amateur "Yay".

Now, I'm noticing all of the small details of the detox side effects. I was hoping on Wednesday that the withdrawals would not get worse. I was really hoping and obviously, no. Here I am at 3AM experiencing differing symptoms because of the Effexor withdrawal.

I've never done drugs, in my life. Thus, I've never detoxed from a drug. Being suddenly off of Effexor for so long, after having been on it for maybe 2-2.5 months, I feel like I'm detoxing. I don't know what to really compare it to, but I feel like it's similar to a heroin detox--it's that rough/hard/scary--and I don't even know what that would really feel like!

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