Monday, December 31, 2012

My Spelling and Other Brain Related Problems

I've noticed that as I read through my posts, my spelling is sometimes not right or I use the wrong words or my sentences are just confusing. It's kind of understandable because of my brain injury but then some of it is because my laptop decides that some letters don't need to be included in some words. At least the spelling, thinking, word usage, etc. aren't as terrible now as they were a couple of months ago. My recovery is happening rather quickly, compared to other TBI victims. For me, the recovery is slow, but I've always been a fast-thinking/acting/moving person--but I guess for how bad the injury initially was, I've recovered much faster than others would have. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I am very self aware. I know what my limitations currently are, what I've been able to overcome and what I need to work on. I suppose it's a good thing because I know what I've accomplished and can be proud of myself, then I also know what I have left to overcome and can focus on those aspects. Then, it's a bad thing because I know what my limitations are and I know exactly when they affect what I do, say and think...so I get annoyed at myself because it's hard to get over those hurdles.

One thing that I noticed was that I am a very bad patient, as I had been forgetting to take my Amantadine for about a month. It was about all of November and part of December--I'm not sure exactly how long I've been off of Amantadine. I started taking it again about last week and need to go pick up the refill tomorrow or the next day because I am officially out of it here at home. I really don't know what the difference in my thinking/cognitive functions are on or off of Amantadine. I can't tell any difference, to be quite honest. But, I know that I need to talk with my PM&R doctor when I see her in a couple of days to see what she thinks. I think that part of the reason I stopped taking it was because the Boy came home. Another reason is that picking up refills is a lot of work because we have no vehicle, it's cold and snowing and I would have to bundle myself and the Boy up to go walking to the pharmacy. Those excuses still don't make it okay that I've been off of my medication.

I suppose that I can really evaluate how Amantadine affects my cognitive functions and memory after I start taking it regularly again. It will also be much easier after I speak with my PM&R doctor. Here's hoping/praying that my brain heals well and fast!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Yay for New Year's Day!

Boo on this case not having been settled out yet! Boo!

Okay, I'm slightly aggrivated that I haven't gotten my settlement yet--I know, it's a process and I need to be patient...haven't I been patient enough??? I understand that it's a process, it's taking awhile, it happens, etc. etc. etc. It's just that I've been waiting for so long already and there are so many things that need to get done...so many bills that need to be paid, so much debt that we've incurred because I haven't been able to work since the accident. You'd think that we shouldn't have this much debt since we didn't have much to begin with. We do have a lot of debt, though. A couple of things have been let go and then obviously shut off, we've gone without some necessities (like toilet paper--OMG!) for days at a time. It's starting to get well past ridiculous, I'm sick of being out of things, of having debt, of not knowing if the next bill or if our rent will be paid at all or in full. I'd just like something so that we have some kind of cushion, something to pay off some of our debts, something to help me get a vehicle at the very least!

Shoot, at the very least, social security needs to tell me whether or not my application has been accepted. Then, I would know whether or not I can apply for college yet! I really want to go to college, I've been wanting to so bad that it's not even funny. The worst part about wanting to go to college is that even if I can go, I still don't have a vehicle so transportation would be difficult, if not nonexistent.

Ugh, I can't wait for my case to be settled out or for SS to get back to me! For goodness sake people, hurry up with this paperwork already and give me the stuff I've been waiting for!!!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas

The day was yesterday and I meant to post a reminiscence about it but I was tired and went to bed early. Turns out, however, that if I go to sleep at 8:15PM, I tend to wake up at 4AM. Which, I really don't mind because it gives me time to get ready and make sure I'm not forgetting anything. Today, the Boy and I have a big day. We'll be going out, I have to go trade in a few things and then purchase a few necessities. It is going to be snowing, my friend told me that we're expecting a blizzard and I'm not excited about that. I'm worried about my husband because he has been and is going to continue walking until I get a vehicle...and he has work today.

I'm putting the Boy in disposable diapers today while we're out because I'm bundling him up a lot. He will be wearing jeans and snow pants so that will make diaper changes more difficult. Although I should be changing him often, even in sposies, I won't be (able to) changing him every 2 hours like I would have to in cloth. Besides, if I take too long (as in 3 or more hours--with cloth diapers) to change him, he leaks through and soaks his clothes.

On to Christmas. We are poor, I'm not ashamed of it or embarrassed, it's a situation that can (and has) happened to many. We can only afford the necessities so we couldn't get the Boy presents ourselves. Now, how embarrassed am I that many people asked me if we had bought the Boy anything? I was very embarrassed and felt really guilty that we had not. What did people do? These people were so nice and spared presents for the Boy--which he is enjoying to the fullest extent that a one year old can. I literally almost cried out of appreciation and happiness at the generosity.

Now, today. I will be going to Bible study, since the Boy's bedtime is 7PM now because he refuses his second nap and will sleep until tomorrow 7AM. Until then, we'll be out walking to the stores that I need to go to, in order to accomplish what needs to be done. So, I'm going to get the Boy dressed after slathering a-crap-ton of lotion and Vaseline on him because he has bad eczema and I don't want it to be exacerbated by us being outside most of the time.

Yay...

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Christmas is Coming!

Well, the case hasn't completely settled out yet and it being the holiday weekend, I'm not expecting anything to move forward until January second at the earliest. Not completely happy that it's taking so long, but it's understandable, that's just how these things work.

We bought the Boy new cloth diapers last week and they arrived pretty early, which I was happy about. They aren't extravagent, we can only afford the lower priced brand (Alvababy.com), which is perfectly fine with me. They work well and I've heard that they are just as good as the higher priced diapers. I was just washing the used diapers, I only got the covers done and I'm feeling too lazy to continue with washing the inserts and wipes. Handwashing the Boy's diapers is...well, it's not hard, it's time consuming. I have to do it this way since we can't afford the $2.50 (wash & dry) every 2-3 days, shoot if we could do that we'd still have the Boy in disposables (ha ha). Since I'm feeling lazy, here I am on the interwebz.

Hubby and I are looking into a few things right now, in preparation for after this case settles out. It's kind of fun, I know that there will always be options out there and if what we look at now is gone then, it's no big deal. I'm really hoping for things to go well, I'm not raising my expectations at all, I like to have fun window-shopping.

The Boy and I are feeling a bit better today, not 100% but close and Hubby caught our cold which I feel bad about. It sucks because he has to go to work and it being the holidays, he'll get fired if he calls off (which I think is ridiculous, he wouldn't call off just to screw around, he'd only call off if he's sick--which he is, but apparently that doesn't matter {?})

There is so much that I want to do, I've been wanting to do, even before the accident and I'm getting really antsy with every day that passes.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

$18K gone this year

Had I not been in an accident and continued working, I would have made a gross income (from April to December) of $18,000. That is before taxes, I would have been paid the whole because as an independent aide, I would have had to put money aside for next year's tax returns. It's really irritating to think that's how much I've lost out on (financially speaking).

Other than that, I was not able to take care of the Boy from March 29th until October 30th. Also, I have not been "Okayed" to drive by my PM&R doctor yet (I had to cancel and reschedule that appointment due to a subpoena). I'm still working on my cognitive functions and memory, my speech is fine, along with my broken pelvis and rib. I wasn't able to start another job, continue with my previous employment or attempt to apply for college classes. A lot of things have been put on the back burner because of this mess.

Oh, yeah! Hubby and I can't start TTC#2 until April 2013 because of my pelvic fracture and my OB/GYN recommending the wait. Grr...

You know when you're down on your luck and it seems like it's never going to look up? Well, I feel like we've fallen in a giant crap-hole and every time we get close to the top to climb out, we get knocked right back down.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

We're still sick!

I can't believe this! The Boy and I were feeling much better on Thursday, then all of a sudden we're sick again. It's not like we were 100% better, but we weren't as phlegmy or coughing too bad--we just weren't feeling like death anymore. I don't understand why this virus is lasting us so long, I'm starting to think it's not a viral infection.

I'm feeling a little bit better than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was not up for doing anything, not even cooking. Today at least I feel good enough to make food, then again I did plan out today's meals yesterday because I was feeling so crappy and didn't want to go through another day of "what am I going to make???".

I finally got up to wash the Boy's diapers, which I have been dreading doing because it takes forever and murders my hands. I guess it's a good thing I spent about an hour hand washing them and then was able to find a few quarters so that they could be extra rinsed in the washer. Now, they are hanging up under the ceiling vent so that they dry faster.

I can't wait for things to finish up already...Hasn't it been long enough?!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Waiting...

Well, I wanted to see my PM&R doctor Monday but instead needed to be in court. I was hoping to be cleared to drive by the end of the appointment but now I have to wait for the rescheduled appointment. This kind of sucks because it's an extended wait. At first it was going to be in February but after messaging her, she said she may be able to see me early in January. I'm hoping that she's right and I'll be able to see her earlier, but it's really not going to make a difference until I get a vehicle to drive.

That reminds me, I'm still waiting for my accident case to settle out between the insurance companies. I don't understand what is taking so long, but I don't want to rush my lawyer because he is probably trying to get us the best settlement we are entitled to. For the past week I've been wanting to leave a message asking about the progress but I don't because I don't want to pester him. I hope that my patience pays off because I'm getting anxious and thinking that we won't have anything before next year--and that scares me because I really do need money for my taxes before April fifteenth, since we drained our accounts to pay bills ever since the accident.

Ugh, I'm so anxious and worried. I hope this doesn't take any longer, my only anxiety are the coming taxes, other than that we're doing okay...It's just, I'd like the anxiety to go away!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Bah!

There is a court case I have technically been a part of for two years, the first half has been completed, now they are going into the second part. I guess I understand why it's taken so long, it's just kind of  bad timing for them, seeing as they are now contacting me post accident. Being subpeonaed and having to cancel an important appointment to my PM&R doctor just so that I can go to court is not only irritating, it's making my anxiety worse. I just got the letter, which says I'm supposed to call before appearing. Well, I'm supposed to appear Monday and I got the letter Friday night at ten in the evening because hubby has the only mailbox key and checked it late. All I can do is leave a message for them and cancel my appointment, which I'm almost positive they won't be happy about my not calling early enough.

This sucks for me because I'm not able to remember a lot of what happened. Like, I remember generally what had happened, but the specifics are eluding me. My memory is going to be a problem in this instance and I'm a bit angry about it. Maybe if I keep thinking about it, I'll remember more. I'm glad I hadn't remembered anything specifically but then they sent me this letter...

It's like something bad happens and you wish with all your might that you could forget, but you never do. Well, I suppose that I got lucky in that aspect this March. Considering the case wasn't completely finished yet, though....this isn't good for them.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Credit Where Credit is Due

I was thinking about what I've been through. I've lost a lot of time, I lost control, I lost independence, I lost a lot. Although there weren't many people around me to help me, the ones that were, did help. I really do appreciate the extra assistance that I was given, when I couldn't care for the Boy. I wish that what happened, hadn't happened because I hate that I had lost so much time with my son. There was a lot that happened during my recovery, I guess I can't hold too much anger against it because I had no control over certain things.

I suppose that I'm a little upset at the very limited options I was left with, in regards to the help I needed. It was scary for my husband when he had to go to work and leave me home alone for ten hours. There was nothing we could do about that, though. I guess it was a godsend that my appointments were almost daily when I was first discharged, I was not alone for too long during that time.. With being able to get the Boy home so soon, I am happy. I didn't think that I would be able to have him home so soon and the extent of my recovery actually surprises me. There are some things that I still have trouble with, but nothing that I can't work on.

I am so glad that I started talking with my friend again. She is an awesome person and I hope that I can pay her back some day, the extent of what she's contributed leaves me speechless. Hopefully things go through quickly. I am getting slightly overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that's going on right now and it seems like it's happening too fast, but if everything goes any slower, I'll be more anxious than anything.

Still Sick

Ugh...The boy and I are still ill, this cold really will not go away. My poor little guy, I feel bad and there's not much I can do for him. Also, I'm still feeling slightly like death because of this cold. This sucks, I can't rememebr the last time I had such a persistent illness. I'm pretty sure the boy hasn't been sick like this before either, I mean he did have a pretty scary bout at four days old but that was completely different. I messaged my doctor, I think I also requested an appointment to see her. She was nice and prescribed nasal spray for me since I can't afford it out of pocket and I'm dying over here with this darned cough.

This cough is seriously terrible. I went to bed late last night because I was washing Boy's diapers, then started coughing so bad I am absolutely positive that hubby's sleep was ruined. I don't like ruining his sleep, he has to wake up very early to walk to work so he needs all the sleep he can get. I ended up waking every few minutes in a fit of coughing. Apparently, looking at the clock, I only got maybe three hours of sleep.

The boy woke up a couple of times, too. I'm not sure if it was just from coughing or if he needed something to drink. When I went in to check on him, he had lost his bottle so I refilled and replaced it. The other few times, he woke up coughing and that yucky, raspy, mucus breathing sound. I wish there was more that I could do for him, it's bad enough there's so little I can do for myself, I should be able to help him feel better.

At least at this end of our illness, I don't feel like death anymore, I couldn't even cuddle him. Now, I feel like I can push through this cold and cuddle the Boy. The better I can help him feel, the less I feel like crap.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

That's Done

I completed the mental health evaluation yesterday, it took longer than I expected, that's okay though. I noticed that the tests were very similar to what I had done in inpatient and outpatient therapies, so that's kind of strange. I suppose that it makes sense if a person has a severe brain injury they couldn't remember each time and each activity, but what about the people that do remember and they cheat the system? That's kind of unfair in my opinion, I think it'd be best if each activity was different, especially if it's for an evaluation like this. I didn't remember a lot of the activities while I was doing them. It was actually quite frustrating, I was trying to do my best and realizing how much I was failing, I wanted to cry.

One of the activities was something like word association or something like that. The doctor read me a list of word pairs (i.e. Road, Street; Zoo, Girl; Work, Smile). I was supposed to list the adjoining word or say whether or not the word pair was in the original list. I messed up a few times and I know I did because I couldn't remember some pairs. Then the other activity was matching symbols and patterns on a board and I know I did terribly on that because I couldn't remember half of the symbols, then I was lost on what pattern they were in.

Ugh, I knew I wasn't good at that stuff anymore but after the evaluation...I'm a bit sad. I wonder how long it's going to take for me to get back to the point I was at before the accident.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Determining if I'm Eligible

I had an appointment today for an evaluation for SSD, since I've been denied and my attorneys are insisting on approval. First, I had to make sure I had transportation because SS doesn't provide that--which for me is ridiculous because I have very limited resources. Then, I wasn't supposed to bring my boy, but I don't have a sitter. So, the doctor rescheduled for the next business day and I had to find transporation plus childcare. Which is fine, a bit difficult but whatever.

I'm not sure if I'll be deemed eligible for SSD, I don't know how I feel about it either. We'll see how it goes, though. The initial appointment was supposed to be 3 hours but cut down to two with the "follow-up" in a few days to complete it. The boy was good during the appointment, I'm proud of him. He only managed to get cranky when it was close to his nap time, so he did well for the most part.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Woot!

I passed my driving evaluation on Monday (of last week)! I'm so proud of myself, I'm not as badly brain injured as I thought, ha ha. Then again, there have been multiple things that have happened that prove how little my TBI is affecting me. I was a little nervous when there were two people who decided that "STOP" signs weren't for them. They almost ran the signs and I slowed down to see what in the world they were doing. Thankfully, they actually stopped, perhaps past the actual sign but still--a stop is a stop. The other thing is making right-hand turns, I'm almost positive that's the way that I was turning when I was hit on March 29th--so, obviously.

Then, the insurance companies should settle out either this week or next. Hopefully it'll be this week, but what happens, happens. I'm hoping for other things to happen and go through, for a bit more of justification due to this whole freaking situation. A lot has happened from my car accident until now and it's just ridiculous. I honestly cannot believe how much some people are willing to do to a person, an injured person, a person in a coma with a traumatic brain injury. It amazes me how low some people can sink sometimes.

Well, I'm hoping that things get better from here on out and it looks like it's getting there-- I can only hope and pray, right?

Friday, November 23, 2012

Feeling Much Better

The boy and I are doing better, well he's about 95% and I'm about 80% better--not that we have meters, but how we're both generally feeling and acting. I'm so glad that he's finally eating again, it really sucks when your little one feels so ill they don't even want to eat. He went almost 4 whole days without eating, only drinking herbal tea and watered down juice. He's still stuffy but not as horribly grumpy.

I'm glad that the pediatrician we saw on Monday explained why cough/cold medicine is not recommended or available for infants. I had no idea but after the explaination: it makes sense. Now, I'm nervous to give him the cough/cold medicine we bought him a couple days before, so he hasn't gotten more than one, 1mL dose since. Now, he's just getting honey in his tea, Karo syrup for his throat, vaporizer and Vicks VapoRub on his little feeties with socks. He's doing so much better now, he's playing with his daddy and acting like he's on top of the world.

I'm feeling a little bit better. My throat is still scratchy and this post nasal drip is annoying as heck. At least, with the way I'm feeling, I'll probably be completely better by Monday. That's all I can hope for anyway.

My friend took me to my OT appointment today, which I really appreciate. I had a Dynavision activity and did really well.
This board ^^ Dynavision.

It's really fun and cool like that old Simon Says game or whack-a-mole. The gray rectangle in the middle is a mini-screen that flashes instructions/numbers and the white squares are buttons that shine orange alternately and randomly. It's a really fun test for reaction time and something else I can't remember, ha ha.

Anywho, my little man is wanting me to pay attention to him so: later readers!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Rhinovirus

Well, it's been a few days and that's because our boy and I have had a persistent cold that will not go away. All I want to do is sleep and I feel so bad for the boy. I really want to know how some parents do it, how some parents are miserable sick and still buck up to take care of their little one(s). I feel like I can't do it right now, it's so much work! He's so miserable, I'm miserable...Blah!

He went and stayed with my friend and her mother for a few hours today so that I could go do my driver's eval. That was so very nice of them, I really do appreciate their help. I passed my driver's eval so as soon as my doctor reads over the report, she'll be able to tell me if I can drive regularly again.

Hopefully I get to drive soon. I can't wait for my settlement to go through, we really need a lot of things and then buying a car free and clear is what I want to do more than anything. I'm  very sick of walking now, since we don't have any other transportation and buses are actually expensive when you have zero dollars.

I just put our little guy down for the night, probably should have doubled up his diaper but I wasn't thinking about it. I'm going to go to bed though, because if he wakes up early like I expect, I can be rested enough and take care of him better than I was today.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Rescheduling

I had to reschedule the remainder of my November appointments to December. Earlier this month, I requested transportation through my health insurance and they sent me a month bus pass. Well, they sent the bus pass, which would be valid for every day in November, on October 29th. I never received that bus pass, I received the day passes (which amounted to 5) just not the month pass. I have no way to get to my appointments at the hospital without a bus pass and they couldn't send a cab or transportation company to pick me up because I should have the pass they sent out.

Well, I called 3 days in a row asking about the pass and finally what should I do! They don't know, they don't know what to say, but their representatives will berate me over the phone like I'm an idiot and trying to get one over on them. You know what?! If I had the bus pass, I wouldn't be calling!!! So, thanks insurance company, I rescheduled my appointments because "you can't do anything now".

Oh! Then, I called today to schedule transportation, with the denial for bus passes because that potential is obviously unreliable. The representative decided that she needed to explain transportation to me. This is how it went:

Me: "I need to schedule transportation for my coming appointments."
Her: "You already have transportation scheduled for the rest of this month with the bus pass, we cannot schedule anymore cab rides. You need to use your bus pass that we sent."
Me: "I rescheduled my appointments--"
Her: "If you are not using your month bus pass, you need to return it, they cost $85."
Me: "I never received it, I cannot get anymore transportation for this month, so I rescheduled my appointments for December."
Her: "You get 15 transportation credits per year, you can schedule more transportation appointments."
Me: "No, I was supposed to get a bus pass for the month of November and I never received it. Your company cannot do anything else for me, for the rest of this month. So, I rescheduled my appointments."
Her: "Oh, yeah, that's right. So, I'm going to have to cancel the rest of the appointments you had scheduled for this month. Just so you know, there is no guarantee you will be able to bring your infant with you, since you're taking the cab transport instead of bus passes."

Really? Really? Ugh and eye-roll! So, the previous reps have always asked if anyone else would be coming with me. Then, I ask for bus passes because it's simpler for me to just bring my infant on the bus, seeing as RTA won't charge me for him until he's 3 years old. I don't get the bus pass that I really, really do need so I request cab transportation and you are now telling me I might not be able to bring my infant?!?!?! Who is going to watch him?! Really, lady, really?!?!

Well, I'm hoping that there won't be a problem bringing my infant. What a stupid, disconnected transportation department I have to deal with. The whole thing does not make sense!

Particularly Awesome

Obviously, I found my friend recently and we've been hanging out almost everyday for the past week (?) I think. She is a really cool person and very thoughtful. Her children are young, a bit older than toddler age, but still small squishes. We both think it's kind of funny that my son is bigger in girth than both of her children, almost taller as well since he is younger yet very tall for his age.

There are a bunch of things that I like about how everything is right now and a lot of it has to do with her, her family and going to church. I've decided to give up doing things on my own and to start wholeheartedly believing and putting my complete faith in God. I've tried so hard to do well on my own the past few years and it has literally gotten me nowhere. So, I officially give up and leave it up to God, whatever happens happens.

I think it's great that something inside me said to get in touch with her once again and doing that has really improved things for us. I feel like things will get better and I'm really hoping for it. Hubby and I found an entire family that has decided to adopt us into their own and love us like we've always been there. It's wonderful to have such a large group of people around us when we so badly need the support. Though we don't ask for much, if anything, they are still there and we appreciate them. They've prayed over hubby and given him a prayer cloth with faith and in hopes that his illnesses will improve, get better or disappear. They really are amazing people and I'm hoping that with as much faith and love that I am gaining for them, that I don't get let down--it's happened so many times to me before with other people, I'm not ready for that to happen again!

The other thing is that I haven't been taking my Celexa, my anxiety and depression hasn't gone away but it has subsided. I don't believe I need Celexa or antidepressant/anti-anxiety drugs right now. Which reminds me, if I ever feel under pressure, I can pray about it; God is always there, always listening, so something good should come out of that. Then, I haven't taken my Amantadine for about a week or two, I'm not sure. I ran out and requested a refill but it has yet to be refilled so...I don't know. My memory is the same off of Amantadine as it was while on Amantadine. I don't know what else I should be expecting from that medication either. I'm not tired like before, so Amantadine wouldn't help my brain like a stimulant anymore because of that. I know that I've been having a rough time actually falling asleep lately and I don't know why. I'll talk to my PM&R doctor about that when I see her.

I can't wait for things to get better, I can't wait to be completely 100% healed. I have so many things I'm thinking about, so many questions that need to be answered and so many things that need to get done. I'm not feeling anxious but anticipatory about all of this.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Tired

The past three days have been very busy, my son and I have the exhaustion to prove it, ha ha. We sleep very well and have to take naps. Although I'm kind of sad for my boy since he seems to have been having nightmares these past three nights. I really want to know what's causing the nightmares, then I could help him. Maybe night time sleep will be better for him now?

I'm glad that I was able to get more sleep last night, I ended up going to bed early at about 9pm. I did end up waking again at midnight because our little man was crying so bad. He was still laying down though and throwing a fit, so much that I was sure he was still having a nightmare. I'm thinking he wasn't exactly awake yet, but still screaming. My poor boy!

I'm hoping the next few nights (and future nights) are better than the last three nights. Both him and I need to sleep well and these past few have been taxing.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Found My Friend

Well, we had been friends in elementary school and like always one drifts away from those friends when moving up in grades. I don't remember why we stopped talking and a lot of things happened in my life during that seperated time. I'm glad I found her again, she and her family are really great people. Besides them being great people, I get more experience and interaction with socializing with others/them. Although, sometimes it's a bit awkward for me because no matter how ridiculous I sound when I speak and how I say things, they except it and don't let me know--and I wish they would. Hopefully after letting my friend know about how much trouble I'm having, she'll help me out that way I can act socially acceptable, ha ha.

I told her and her family about the accident, since they didn't know because it was a small accident, not much media coverage and on a street/in an area they usually don't travel around (that I know of at least). It's no big deal to me, I just have to let them know about my minor disabilities so they don't think I just jumped off of the crazy train.

My friend has two adorable and fun kids that love playing with my boy. I think it's awesome, he had so much fun and was worn out so much he needed extra sleep! I was surprised yesterday when he took an almost 3 hour nap. Then, I was more surprised when he took his second nap at 6pm and went to bed for a full nights sleep at 8pm! I think he's getting an adequate amount of sleep and sticking to his sleep schedule really helps him out.

If anything, I'm so very exhausted. I took naps with my son during his morning nap and that helped. At night it's difficult because I would want to be awake to do things but I would be so tired, I would have to go to bed. I suppose it's not a problem, I do need my sleep. The more I sleep, recover and keep busy, the better I'll heal and the more significant my progress will be.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Trauma Victims Should Avoid Stress

When one goes through something traumatic, that in itself is stressful. Then, add in the little extras of stress you were dealing with before the trauma and all the stress you are subjected to post-trauma. It's way too much! Think about it, your brain is already stressed out, handling more stress is almost back breaking.

We had stress before my accident but nothing too big and I was already over my past stressors. Then the big traumatic event of my accident happened and it through us for a loop. Next, while I'm recovering and my husband is still trying to recover (though he had to go back to work way too early), we're getting more stress thrown at us. It's unbelieveable!

I wish I knew what we did to deserve all of this stress. Should I count it as "trials and tribulation"? Is it a test? I'm sick of all the stress, I'm finding ways for us to deal with and then avoid all future occurences. I'm hoping that when all of this is settled out, solved or calmed down, we won't have anymore stress to go through. Sure, life is rough and it's a fight, but does it really have to be this difficult? I should look at it differently and be glad that it isn't any worse--it darn well could be worse! We're lucky to have a home, clothes and food; I should be happy and grateful for that, maybe that will be enough to focus on so that all of the big/little/random stressors don't throw me off? I hope so.

Anyway, stress is bad for trauma victims. Stress when you're healthy, taxes your entire system, so to be stressed after a traumatic experience is like shooting yourself in both knees and trying to walk.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Need to Go to Sleep

Well, this time it isn't insomnia, it's a stupid game addiction on Facebook keeping me up! Okay, I have appointments tomorrow. I need sleep, besides sonny-boy is going to be getting up in about 5 hours so sleep for me would definitely be a benefit.

I'm getting so sleepy and no sleep is bad for my brain injury, bah humbug! I want to play this game a bit more! Shoot. Well, I should go to sleep, in fact I probably will very soon. I know that I can always wait until April 2013 to log in at a later time because then my TBI will be completely healed (at least that's what I was told). That's so far away though!

Okay, enough belly aching, I'm going to go to bed. Ha.

Good night, readers :)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Need to Work on Societal Protocol

Okay, so I knew since finding out about my TBI that I'd be a bit different and somethings would be slightly more difficult. I knew then that I would forget how to be social, how to make decisions towards other people or interact with others. What I didn't know is that it would be so very hard to re-acclimate myself to society without people close by and constant, daily interactions with others. It's just hard, the only person I have close by is my husband and though he is great, he is not very wordy. Then I have our son, but he is not actually talking with real words and sentences yet, thus having conversations with him is a challenge as well.

Fruitcakes, I wish I could figure out a way (or actually have a way) to find more people to socialize with. I did sign up for groups on www.meetup.com, various knitting/crochet groups and a couple of baby/mommy groups, but we have no car right now and I still have not done the driver's evaluation with my OT so I can't drive yet. I would take the bus to the meet-ups but the locations are so far away and we don't have that kind of money. I really am at a loss, to be honest.

The one thing that I use is a particular website that I am quite fond of, especially since it is packed with people and I can "converse" in forum method to make sure I'm doing well with my thoughts, decisions and words. The problem with that is there is no particular place for me to actually post my questions where it would be appropriate. I'm nervous and scared I'm annoying some with my constant uncertainty and strange, obvious, I-should-know-the-answer type posts. I do know that I should know the answer to my questions, that I should know if what I'm feeling/thinking/saying/doing is right or wrong. However, I'm not sure, I just don't know anymore and I don't want to be wrong. I'm scared about doing or saying something and being wrong, not about facts but about social interactions.

It would be easier if I knew how to handle wanting to do something but being prevented in the moment, so wanting to continue or finish that thing soon, so that it's off my mind. It would be easier if I knew how to make a decision about interactions with another person who I am no longer comfortable with. It would be easier if I was sure on when to blame another person's sickness or injury or if their behavior or words or thoughts are (in)excusable. Those are things that I would have been able to "handle" before my injury, I wouldn't be so unsure because I would be able to remember how to interact with others-- I honestly cannot remember social interactions, I really wish I could!

Maybe if I ask my doctors about group therapy, that would be an easier or better way for me to get more understanding or sureness of how to be social? Oh, I hope so.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Still Waiting

The insurance companies and the hospital are taking forever! Ugh. I want things to be finished already, this is ridiculous, how hard is it to get all of the information together and give it to my lawyer so this can all be done??? Apparently it is near impossible...blah.

I just want things to be finished so I can start the initial plans I had made in February that I intended to start in June. Since the jerk hit me in March, I haven't been able to do any part of any of the plans that I had. I've been annoyed and the longer this whole thing takes, the more annoyed I get.

All I wanted to do was get our home furnished because we've been living with scraps of donated family furniture for the past almost 2 years. Then I wanted to start college so that I could advance our lives for the better. Finally, we had planned on trying for another baby. Since this accident, everything has been postponed and I'm getting more pissed than annoyed.

Seriously I want to thank the very responsible, man that decided it was a good idea to drive "negligently" down the residential street at 65MPH then hit me....Jerk.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Our Son

On a completely different note, we brought our son back home! We're so very happy and excited, it's gone well so far. I can't be to certain since it's only been about 2 or 3 days; I really don't remember, but it's been less than 4-5 days. I'm doing well taking care of him, it is difinitely not as hard as it was before. I'm not tired so that's a plus! The only things that I've forgotten are to eat, myself--not anything to do with the boy, which is good.

I've taken on the initiative to teach him a bit of sign language but I think that's going to be more difficult than it should be. I keep forgetting to sign him the appropriate gesture when it would be necessary, like when he is hungry or tired or wants milk. But, hey, I'm trying at least!

The other thing is that I've got plenty of crochet and knit projects that need to be finished and he's so cute because he demands my attention (which is perfectly fine). He loves to be tickled and talked to, or even for me to play with him and his toys. When it's time for us all to eat, he gets excited and starts yelling at me when I'm not feeding him soon or fast enough.

He really is an awesome child and so smart! I'm so happy to have him back, the accident and recovery were so hard and then not to have him home...it was sad and depressing. Now he is back, though and it' is awesome!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

This County

The one I currently live in and the one that the accident occured in, by the way. I wanted you all to know that this county is Okay with you if you drive "negligently" down their city streets. So, if you feel the need to speed (such as going 65MPH on any given city street--residential or commercial--just like the guy who hit me), you will get off very leniently. This county "does not usually prosecute negligent cases". Had the guy (or you) been intoxicated, or high, or impaired then they would be all over that like white on rice.

However, negligence is not good enough to prosecute; because, seriously, who cares that you were driving 65MPH on a residential street, hit someone and almost killed them, even though you were completely sober and in the right state of mind?

This county basically (in not so many words, because I am paraphrasing) told me that anyone and everyone is welcome to break the speed law and almost kill someone as long as they are sober.

What are the consequences you might ask? Well!

  1. Short jail time--before trial (if there is one) and it's much shorter if you post bond (which I can tell you is not that expensive).
  2. A low fine and probation as your sentence. By "low fine" I'm talking less than $1,000.00 (one thousand dollars).
So! Go ahead, speed through this county (make sure you're sober, though), I encourage you!

Why do I encourage you?

Answer: Maybe the more people that are victimized by "negligence", the more harsh the penalty will be.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Yay!

Hopefully my PM&R doctor says that it will be okay for our son to come home by Wednesday! I'm so excited, this (extended) weekend went very well. At least, to me it went very well. Our son toddles because he is a toddler and it's expected that he will lose his balance, trip or slip and fall. Also, it's expected that he'll fall and sometimes will not catch himself so that his head doesn't smack hard in to something. However, my husband is not comfortable with that, apparently I am supposed to catch our son every single time he's about to knock his little head (which I understand, but it is not always possible). It is also not possible to "catch him before he cracks his head on something" when he's laying on the floor and out of nowhere decides to smack his skull on the ground. He just looks around and then "Oh! Let me just smack my head right here on the floor!", then BOOM! Argh, it's frustrating when he does that, but it's unpredictable and not preventable!

Today, before he went back to my aunts I styled his hair into a mohawk! So cute and his hair is long enough for it! Although I feel bad because I had to use hair styling products; hair spray and moose. I told my aunt it would probably be a good idea to wash his hair out soon because his scalp will get itchy and irritated. I took a few pictures of him with his hair all done up, what a little chunky monkey he is!

Well, I'm hoping that we'll be able to bring him home, I miss him so much it is unbelievable.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Just thinking out loud

Well, technically I'm not thinking out loud I'm thinking in type-out format, ha ha. I had to put this post on hold for a few hours, for my son. Now, I just have to remember what I was posting for.

I know one thing is that I had to change my blog around quite a bit. There were plenty of tiny details that needed to be altered because I found evidence that someone is attempting to stalk me. I don't make it a regular occurrence to post about this person, I wish that they would get a life and stop trying to keep tabs on mine. I suppose I understand, I am that awesome, but I am absolutely positive that people have much better things to do in their lives than to worry about what I "could be talking about". I'm not seeing what is so provoking about me documenting what I've gone through in regards to my recovery, etc. that is here. But, hey, whatever if I'm that important to this person and they find me now, then all the power to them. If they find something to "blackmail" me with or "evidence" to report on me, I welcome the challenge--since the stalker doesn't have anything better to do.

Oh, here we go, my mind is coming up with a bunch of things to add to this post, which are interesting and slightly general.

I don't lie. I have not lied since July of 2010--I'm serious I remember the time that well. Since July of 2010, there has not been one person in my life worth lying to; even if there was: lying is never the way to go. There is no point in coming up with "reasons" or "stories" to cover myself, that takes so much work and effort. Really, lying and coming up with a backing story/reason, you have to remember everything that you said! I'm too lazy for that! Besides, I have experienced so many life lessons over the past 25 years, it's not even funny, I learned my lesson about lying, cheating, stealing, bad-mouthing, etc. I want to be looked at as a good person and if one knows me well enough, they know that's what I am: a good person.

It's a shame that there are people out there who talk wrongly about other people. Why waste your breath if you don't like someone? Or, why waste your time and effort trying to ruin the relationships of that person you don't like, just because you don't like them?

What makes me sad is that this stalker and their entourage say very wrong and negative things about me, which I am almost sure they are mostly lies (I wouldn't know because not only do I not care--thus, do not ask--the people who talk to me don't tell me what exactly is said). Now, I get it, I am meanly honest and have no right to be mad about the things others have done to me. I understand, I need to learn to forgive and forget. The problem with that is: when I find that I've been wronged, I right that wrong and cease acknowledgement of those people. I refuse to "defend" myself against slander, libel and defamation of character; I'm a better person than that. If one feels that I am just that wrong or bad without even knowing me, without trying to prove what's been said, then that is not my problem. I don't need people in my life who choose to believe gossip which is in and of itself: slander, libel and defamation of character.

I keep good people in my life and around me, I'm good with that choice and couldn't be happier. It's a shame that some people cannot find that for themselves. It's sad that putting other people (along with their reputation) down, brings the gossipers self-esteem up. It would never make me feel good or better about myself to tell Person "A" that Person "B" is so thoughtless, thankless and other bad things. When I am not a fan of a person, they just cease to exist, why make an effort to give them head space?

I know there was something else that I wanted to add but I forgot it again! So, perhaps I'll post again about some other random things. Anywho, good night readers!

Effexor Withdrawal

We have our son today. Today is Thursday (well at least for the next 5 minutes) and he came here at about 1pm. I'm so happy, he's an awesome kid. Also, he's not completely walking well on his own. He still toddles and stumbles, but it's cute. I noticed that he cries more when he falls and bumps his head, which is sad so I pick him up and cuddle him for a good long while. He's so amazing and such a miracle.

The other thing is that I noticed that I've had insomnia for awhile now (I'm going to say about a week, maybe more). This really sucks but it's because of the Effexor withdrawals. I'm so very glad my psychiatrist actually listened to me about how I felt with the Effexor, that I'd rather not take it again, and then prescribing me Celexa. I'm going to start taking Celexa tomorrow, so it's going to go with all of my other medications to take and hopefully I don't forget any of them.

I'm wondering what I'll make for our breakfast tomorrow morning. I know that hubby will be gone to work early so I'll only have to "worry" about myself and our son (I quote worry because it's not really a worry, just persistent thinking). I think that my little man likes cream of wheat and I know that he likes scrambled eggs or pancakes, so I definitely have options. Then the other thing is lunch, so I can make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something like that--it'll probably be something more substantial but I haven't thought of anything yet.

It's late now, in fact it's no longer Thursday (lol), so I'm going to go off to bed! Good night readers, sweet dreams!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Medication

Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Although I saw a resident first (how else are they supposed to get experience with helping people) and then the attending came in. We discussed my medications, the past ones I've taken and the effects I experienced. Then we talked about what I would feel comfortable doing, along with what my goals are in regards to therapy/psychiatry/psychology.

I'm glad that this psychiatrist was very open, honest and (what is the best way to word it?) vocal or explanatory to me. It was great that she understood I hated the withdrawal from Effexor, that I felt it was too strong of a medication to continue taking and that if I have to be on medication, I would prefer Celexa or Zoloft. I haven't tried Zoloft yet, but if it's similar to Celexa (as she described to me--but not in those exact words) I'm all for it. I don't want to rely on medications if there are other methods to handle my depression and anxiety.

I'm sure that if I took the time to focus on relaxation techniques, de-stressing and seriously gearing my life towards the better and more positive aspects, I shouldn't have to rely on medication. But, I don't think I'm focused enough for that, ha ha. There is too much going on in my life right now to try going the no-medicine route. I know that, so I'm going back to Celexa.

At least when I was on Celexa in 2009-10 the only side effect I experienced was jitters (shaky hands), both while I was on it and then when I stopped it cold-turkey. Which, btw, one is not supposed to stop any kind of antidepressant/anxiety cold turkey and certainly not without supervision.

Shame on me, since I did that cold-turkey thing on all three of my antidepressant/anxiety meds (Celexa, Abilify and Effexor). I didn't experience any withdrawal from Celexa and Abilify. However, with Effexor...Wow, never again. I will never, never, never go back on Effexor. The withdrawal from that, for me, was not as bad as it was for some other's but it definitely was not something you could pay me to re-experience again! Yuck!

I need to look at my future appointments to see when I will be seeing my counselor again. That's where I will be discussing some of the things that have been bothering me--which reminds me, I need to write those things down and put them in my purse. God forbid I forget what I want to talk with her about! I would be so mad at myself, although what I want to discuss isn't all that important, curiosity really is something difficult to go on with (if that makes sense).

Bah, anyway, tomorrow I need to go to the library and then pick up my prescriptions. It'll be a full day but I'm sure by the time I go to bed I will feel accomplished.

(The other thing was that I talked with my OT and we discussed driving evaluations! So, hopefully I will be cleared to drive by the end of this year!!!)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

As a Side Note

I don't know what it was but for some reason my entire face went numb and kind of felt all tingly like when your hand or foot falls asleep. Then, it felt like there were bugs crawling under my eyelids. Those experiences freaked me out, they happened for about 10 minutes on Saturday, I called the nurse line and they don't even know what it could have been. The nurse and I both said that those symptoms sound like drug interactions, but I'm not on drugs so I'm confused--although it could be because of Effexor withdrawal. Freaked me out it happened at all and while I was reading the most hilarious story ever--maybe that's what triggered the numb/tingly/crawly feeling, plus being off of Effexor?

We're going to bring our son home this weekend starting on Thursday so that he stays with us through Suday. This gives me the trial of watching him by myself. I do have options and ways of relief if I feel overwhelmed, though I am nervous, I do think I can do this. If this weekend goes well--actually, whether it does or not--we'll bring him home Wednesday morning so that he spends Halloween with us.

I hate having missed his milestones, all of the "firsts" that other people got to experience with him... I won't be happy if we miss another holiday with our son.

High Expectations

I was just thinking earlier that I'm feeling better today than I have over the past 7 or so days. That's kind of interesting. I'm wondering how long the withdrawal effects of Effexor are going to stay in my system. I still don't get to talk with my psychiatrist until the twenty-third of October. Yes, that's the day after tomorrow, but that doesn't take away the anxiety I am feeling before then. I don't want to be on Effexor anymore I don't even want to start up the renewal that the nice nurses at my hospital sent in for me to pick up at the local pharmacy. The affects of Effexor and then the withdrawal symptoms terrify me, why would I willingly go back in to that before talking with the psychiatrist? At least I see her in another day.

My thoughts are actually clearing up, I'm able to focus better, I'm motivated again, I'm actually making and keeping track of plans that I want to accomplish. This is all while off of Effexor and during my withdrawal period, so I'm a bit impressed. I know that the insomnia and mania that I was experiencing was withdrawal from Effexor, but does that mean the motivation and focus is because of Effexor too? Another question to add to my list when I go to talk to the psychiatrist.

I'm excited that we will probably be bringing our son home much earlier than I had initially thought. The week after this is Halloween, hopefully I'll have him home before then! He's such a great kid and I love him so much. Having him away from me is torture. When he's here I actually have stuff to do: taking care of him, playing with him, etc. When he's here, it's not like on sitting on the sofa for hours on end trying to entertain my lazy butt on the computer, I'm actually taking care of him; I have a reason to get up and do things.

Which reminds me, I have to deep clean the apartment either today or tomorrow. I did straighten out a few papers I had laying around, but it's not as clean as I'd like it to be.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Feeling better today

Hubby and I went out for a few hours to get some stuff done. It was kind of chilly out, but for the most part, we had a decent time walking to each place we needed to go.

I stopped at the library with him and printed off a few things that I had been meaning to. After we came home, I made us our first meal of the day (I'm that lazy, we woke up and left without eating). I don't know when I'm going to decide to get up off my lazy butt and make dinner (or would it be considered lunch, see as it's the second meal?). Other than that, I filled out my mail-in voter ballot, so I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something.

I'm a bit tired right now, so might take a nap. Maybe a little bit later tonight I'll have the motivation to clean up the apartment...Who knows, oh well, off to Nap Land I go.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Holy Cheese and Crackers.


Another thought just popped into my head. I researched withdrawals from Effexor earlier today while at my OB's. The memory hit me like a wrecking ball as I was sitting here thinking, "Wow! I feel so much more alive right now!"...Yeah, it's called mania. Great.

Then, get this: it's 2:42AM here, right now. Insomnia.

Oh, another manic thing? Several blog posts within a span of 4 hours in one night. Okay, sure, I could just make one singular post--but it would be such a long post! I may be a manic-insomniac, but I'm making it easier on all you readers!

I am going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking that I am not completely detoxed from Effexor yet. Also, I meant to pick up my renewed refill today and forgot about it. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. It was very bad that no one at the hospital would renew my prescription just once more so that I wouldn't be off of it for so long. I couldn't help going off of Effexor for 7 days, that's definitely not healthy. I'm lucky that I'm paying attention to all of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Now, I can't wait for the 23rd to come here already so that I can discuss with the psychiatrist what I should do about Effexor. I need to know when these symptoms will stop. Sure, I'm terrified of taking it again, but I'm more terrified of these symptoms lasting for any length of time. I don't know what I would rather feel.

On the Effexor, I didn't care about the small and unimportant things. I didn't get sad or angry. I was happy, calm or pleased. I don't think "pleased" is the right word, but I don't know how else to explain it. The best way I think I can say it is that I had a weird "Happy-Zombie" thing going on. It was like Effexor was my chemical bouncer, who would turn away all of the negative chemicals and welcome in all of the good-happy-positive ones.

When I ran out of Effexor on Friday, I started feeling anxiety attacks and slight nervousness. Small things would agitate me, but not to where I would lash out. Then as the days went on, I would start feeling more anxious and depressed. I didn't want to do anything, not even feed myself, let alone anyone else. On Wednesday, I felt completely hopeless, my sadness and depression was so severe I felt like two or three days longer feeling like that, I would start self-harming. I broke down and cried for most of the day, wanting to scream--thankfully didn't scream, just cried. Yesterday (seeing as it's already 2:55AM, Friday morning), I felt better. I thought I had finally completely detoxed from Effexor, a very early and amateur "Yay".

Now, I'm noticing all of the small details of the detox side effects. I was hoping on Wednesday that the withdrawals would not get worse. I was really hoping and obviously, no. Here I am at 3AM experiencing differing symptoms because of the Effexor withdrawal.

I've never done drugs, in my life. Thus, I've never detoxed from a drug. Being suddenly off of Effexor for so long, after having been on it for maybe 2-2.5 months, I feel like I'm detoxing. I don't know what to really compare it to, but I feel like it's similar to a heroin detox--it's that rough/hard/scary--and I don't even know what that would really feel like!

Deeper Understanding

I decided after rereading my last post to actually look into "Radical Acceptance". It is more than I thought it was. In fact, so much more, I'm going to have to see if my local library contains these books so that I can rent and read them. There are several blogs, books, articles and websites out there about it. I never even knew!

I'm a bit excited now. Just the first paragraphs from each site I read from, I'm quite interested and want to know more about it. I want to know how "Radical Acceptance" really works, what it really means; not just the meager understanding that I got from the sheet of paper I was given. It's going to take me a few weeks to really know this method. Maybe I won't put so much weight on what's happened to me over the years. Maybe future traumas won't send me so close to the edge again. I can only hope, right?

There are a lot of things I've been wanting to do, research and learn and each day, more curiosity for knowledge comes in. My need to know as much as possible, it's...I don't know, there's so much, I feel a bit overwhelmed, but by excitement, not by trepidation.

People I have been communicating with have been mentioning the library repeatedly. That's great, since I always forget what a valuable resource the library is. I need to take advantage of the information available within the library.

I really do appreciate all of the help I have gotten throughout my recovery. Even the small bits of suggestions and information help me more than anyone could believe. Seriously, one single sheet of paper and now I'm motivated to know more about "Radical Acceptance". Several, independent suggestions for charity programs and the like--individually or group mentioned--and I'm calling and emailing every person I can think of to get the things we need. My unintentionally caused breakdown and detox from Effexor; I'm being encouraged to make right-minded, sane decisions on what to do next. My focus turned from self-pity to, "What is wrong with me?!"-type anger that forced me to focus on what was best for my son and especially for our family. It's too early to tell, but I think that a week of no Effexor and I've completely detoxed from it. I could be wrong, so I'm going to continue with counseling and psychiatry.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Radical Acceptance

 I can do "Radical Acceptance" in regards to my past, no problem! I still don't understand why any of it happened and wondering about it is a moot point, so I might as well keep telling myself "I can't fight the past" and such. The worst part about wondering why these traumatic events happened and why no one helped me at all, is that it brings back all the hate and anger. I get confused because I don't have the answers to why everything happened the way it did.

By the way, that form of acceptance is just a way of accepting what happened: "It happened, no changing the past" "past decisions lead to the current situation" "I can't fight the past" ... Things like that, positive affirmations that keep in your mind that it was not your fault.

I can do that. My mother, being inattentive and promiscuous, though being married (several times) ignored all of the abuse I suffered. It happened, she knew it happened, she knows it happened--but it was not her fault that I was the victim, no: she was the victim in her mind.--I can accept her neglectful parenting. Especially since she is now, for all intents and purposes, dead to me.

I can accept the continual mental, emotional and physical abuse from my father, along with sexually assaulting me at 13. It's easy to accept because he is clinically and medically insane. Yes, being insane does not make you do wrong, illegal or bad things; being an awful person does. The other reason it's easy to accept? He unofficially disowned me when I was 15, so I haven't talked to him in a little over a decade. No big deal, he doesn't exist anymore (to me).

I can accept that I was moved to different homes and schools three times in two years. I couldn't control being in (Catholic) kindergarten (not knocking Catholicism, that's what it was), then being moved to public-school kindergarten. I couldn't control the demeanor of the other children around me. Apparently, it was the thing to do, to make fun of a classmate who moved from the "poor" city to the "rich" city (a whole 5 mile difference in distance). I couldn't control that I was moved once more, the very first day of second grade, to a knew school--why send me when you know you'd be taking me out just to go to the other school? I couldn't control making friends with children and teachers after each move, then losing all contact because I was moved once more. I couldn't control that my second, second-grade teacher transferred schools after I adored her as a person and teacher--2 weeks in to second grade. I couldn't control the weekend visits to my father's house, where my brother and I would be sat on the floor in front of father's recliner so that he could lecture us about nonsense for four hours, minimum. I couldn't control that at seven years old, he sat us down and talked for hours--through lunch then dinner, then telling us that we "deserve to learn about hunger, so we know what it's like for kids in third-world countries." -- I can accept the things I couldn't control as a child.

Once again, I can accept my mother's promiscuity, her need for attention, etc.--because she is dead to me. I can accept that this abuse occurred from when I was 12 or 13 until I was 23. I can accept that she ignored the public record and listing of her third husband as a pedophile, just because he claimed innocence. I can accept that every adult in my life that witnessed my behavior change no one stepped in to help me, though I had obvious signs of being a victim of sexual abuse. I can accept that some people in this world are sick and do sick things to children. I can accept that I was groomed by a sexual predator--a pedophile--and I can accept that his brother, after being released from prison, sexually assaulted me when I was 15. I can accept that had happened to me. I can accept that no one helped me, though I did not ask for help, yet all the signs of abuse were obvious.

Shoot, I can even accept that my last ex-boyfriend was mentally and emotionally abusive! It's awesome he got me out of the situation I was in at 23. That doesn't give a person leave to tear me down daily because he's (ex-bf is) ashamed of himself (and projectively, me).

I can honestly and in all seriousness accept what happened. I can accept the act or situation or behavior; but I can't accept why--why did it happen to me? Why did these people choose to do these things? Why didn't anyone help me?

I can even accept that the guy who hit me 03/29/2012, hit me out of pure negligence. I still don't know why he was neglectfully driving 65MPH on a posted 35MPH city street.

...Radical acceptance...
Yes, it does make sense, but it doesn't alleviate my curiosity as to why it all happened.

Psychotherapy

I don't even know if that's the right word to use. Anyway, I saw a counselor today, we discussed my current and past traumas. Apparently, I have been through a lot of bad/negative stuff since I was two--that I can remember anyway. Sometimes having a good memory is a Godsend and then, it's not censored, I remember just about every event that's happened since I was two.  Good and bad things, things that a person usually wants to forget; I remember them all. Maybe not the finer details of each event and not every.single.day. However, besides my infant year of birth to one, there is not a year I don't remember some fragment of. (I hope that makes sense) Even pictures from my childhood as early as two, if I see it, I remember it as if it were on video.

I suppose it's a good thing that I've seen approximately 5 psychiatrists/counselors/therapists/psychologists since 2010? Maybe? I'm guessing it's good for each of them, especially if they get my mental health records together. I've told the same story to each one of them, nothing has changed. I feel like a tape recorder, rehearsing my whole life each time. Sometimes I think about drafting an autobiography, not that anyone would read it. I'm not famous I'm just some random woman in the world where "when it rains, it pours" every 3-6 months or so. I'm sure there are thousands, if not millions, of people out there who have been through similar or worse. I really don't think putting my life story out there would make a difference. What's that thing called when you can relate to a person's experiences or past? (Edited 2/10/13: rereading my blog to edit out profanity. Read this sentence, the word I was looking for was "Empathy") Something like association, I don't remember right now. Maybe that's what some people would feel while reading my story? Either way, I'm drafting it up, eventually I'll put it together and highly doubt that it will ever be published. In fact, I'm positive that it won't be, seeing as publishing has certain requirements and I meet none of them.

Bah, no big deal. Just one more thing to add to my "To Do" list, I'll get around to it.

The counselor was sympathetic to all of the things I've been through and what hubby and I are currently going through. We're going to be working on ways or methods for working through these and future traumas. I'm glad that she is the kind of counselor that gives feedback, instead of the usual ones who sit, listen, nod and then prescribe medications. She even gave me a paper on something I had never heard of before: "Radical Acceptance"-- I skimmed over it and in regards to my past, it makes perfect sense; but if I put it up against a different kind of dilemma (like a relative disregarding your parenting choices), it just sounds BSC (You ladies know what I mean *wink*).

Hopefully this will work for us and the fates will aim their diarrhea elsewhere.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Maybe?

I slept through my alarm that I had set after posting the last update. I only really woke up when the transportation guy called, then I had to rush around and be ready to go. (Yay, it only took me 3 minutes to be ready and waiting outside) I was awake for a good five minutes, ha ha. I ended up falling asleep and then actually napping in the waiting room at the hospital. I actually ended up with about two hours of sleep before transportation called. I was not having a good day and you could only tell because I looked so exhausted; I didn't have an attitude or anything, I was just quiet and tired.

Hubby and I took a nap that evening after I got home, probably for about an hour or two (we're talking 4PM to about 6PM). We then went to bed at 10PM and I slept so well! I'm still a bit tired now but I'm sure that the more I rest, the less noticeable it will be.

I suppose that the overwhelming feeling that I experienced yesterday and today was because of the Amantadine that I had been out of. That feeling was only multiplied and made worse because I was so exhausted. It's no big deal though, I started taking the Amantadine again and although I think it'll be a couple of days before I see a difference, I think it's worth a shot. Other than the Amantadine, I've been out of Effexor since Friday. That's definitely not a good thing, considering I've been having bad anxiety attacks and my depression is hitting me harder now.

I'm not sure what caused me to lose sleep that night, but I'm thinking that it was partly Effexor's fault. I didn't realize how stressed I was until I ran out of Effexor, so the stress probably kept me up. I planned on cleaning the apartment thoroughly today but didn't really feel up to it until about an hour ago. That's not so bad, though, I did get off of the computer for about an hour and straightened up our home pretty nicely. I don't think there's much else for me to do, but I'm sure I'll think about it when the time comes.

My PM&R doctor said to try and continue bringing our son home slowly, as in adding a day per week. She also wants me to make sure that I don't bring him home with me to where we are alone and I may get overstressed. That's no big deal, I don't want to overstress myself either. I don't think that it would be possible though, to overstress. Bringing our son home is my main goal and what I want best, I honestly cannot see one reason to be stressed over, with having him home. He is such a good child and like all children he doesn't do anything "bad" on purpose, if ever. Maybe the only thing that would be difficult is if I get tired? Maybe the other thing would be putting him down for naps would be difficult, especially if I'm tired? I don't know, I've only noticed the fatigue on Sunday to Monday, and I'm pretty sure it is because of my medications.

We're going to work on bringing him home and to start with, it'll be bringing him here on Thursday so that we have him until Sunday and I get a decent amount of time watching him by myself. I know I have options out there if I need a break or to relax, so hopefully all will go well.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Need Sleep!

So I have appointments today. Seeing as it's now 2:30AM and the hospital transportation will be picking me up between 7AM and 9AM, I can't say "tomorrow"--it's today already! My insomnia is agrivating me, I'm going to have to discuss this with my doctor today, as well. I can't go through this recovery process without sleep, that would be counterproductive.

We had our son from Friday evening until yesterday afternoon. It was an awesome visit, we didn't go anywhere except to the movie/game exchange to sell some videos (for laundry money). Kind of sad, right? I don't think anyone really understands the appreciation a person or family can have for government assistance and charity, unless they are just barely scraping by the skin of their teeth.

I don't think a person can really understand that appreciation until and unless they are in dire straits with no other options to turn to. I've even heard and read people express the asinine notion that you have to "just get a job"--not everyone has that choice. Some people can't work, some people are employed at a very low pay rate, or with less than accomidating hours. Anyone who has the ability can work, though it's usually at minimum wage and not usually more than 35 hours a week. I've not met one person making minimum wage, working 35 hours or less a week, be able to afford enough to care for more than just themself. Granted, working two minimum wage jobs for 70 hours or less a week, sure one could afford a little bit more. I just can't see that one person with that pay and those hours affording themself and one other person, on their own. Anyway, in our situation I cannot work for medical reasons. My husband is working full time, a slight bit over minimum wage, but not much more. He can't work anymore hours than what he is working, he's not healthy enough for that. He's been ill for over a year and the doctors refuse to take any extra steps to diagnose him! They listen to his symptoms then...Nothing! We're both so very angry, it's ridiculous how long it's been and he's fifty times worse now than he was last year in June.

Bah! There is so much I want to type out and it's like I've forgotten most of it. On a happy note, one can tell that I'm getting better just by the progression of my posts. I went through them tonight to change some things around (names and vernacular) and noticed that my posts are getting longer, in congruence with how much better I feel. When I went through to change some minor things, it was because I noticed a particular detail that needed to be altered--for my safety and sanity, I haven't altered the truth and facts in my posts, just names. Well, I haven't been using names since starting the blog, however I noticed a particular that screamed "The zombies are coming!!!" and I don't like zombies. Whoever has read my blog and kept up with me, if you go back, you'll noticed the "significant" detail change. (Again, I really do appreciate you keeping up with me and the support)

Well, I'm hoping to get our son back home with us by the end of tomorrow or at the very latest, Friday. Either way, I think that's all I planned to write out, but if I remember anything else I'll post again. Have a great day, readers!

Friday, October 12, 2012

PM&R Doctor

Another weekend with our son!!!

I get to see my PM&R doctor on Monday, she will tell me then what her medical decision is about bringing him back home again. I'm so excited!!! My OT told me last week that we don't need to meet again until after I see my PM&R doctor, so I'll see her on the 30th. No big deal though, she's just as comfortable as I am about bringing him home. This is great. I can't wait to see my PM&R doctor about this, hopefully she says that this can happen.

It's only been 2 weekends so far that we've had him home from Friday until Sunday. I've already gotten into the habit and pattern of rocking him to sleep, then laying him on a pillow. For night sleep, I lay him in his crib, he does so well. Usually he wakes up a few times during the night, I'm sure that's because he's not used to our home like he was before my accident. He will definitely get used to our home once again, perhaps it will take awhile but that is okay. I know it will be rough for his little self, I feel a bit guilt about it, but this whole thing happening in the first place was not even my fault.

I haven't been experiencing many affects from my TBI lately. I know that I ran out of Amantadine about two weeks ago and hadn't picked it up until Wednesday. My fatigue has increased slightly but not too bad. Other than that, I haven't noticed any big changes. Like usual, I have word finding problems, slight memory problems and a bit of confusion, but that was even while I was still taking Amantadine. The other thing that I'm going to be out of before seeing my psychiatrist is Effexor. I'm a little bit worried about that, it is never safe to stop anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication cold-turkey. Also, the last day that I think I forgot to take Effexor, I ended up going to sleep with significant anxiety attack-like feelings. The anxiety wasn't too bad, but it felt like I couldn't catch my breath, like I was breathing hard due to a long run, or something.

Anyway, the medication itself is no big deal. I'm excited to be seeing my PM&R doctor on Monday and hearing her decision. This is going to be a fun week. Maybe we'll get our son back by Friday?!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Completely Off Topic, ha ha!

Today I had my son with me from 8AM, the representative from Help Me Grow came by for his evaluation. Our appointment had originally been scheduled for 10:30AM but she didn't come until about 11AM. That was fine, though, my aunt dropped him off to me at 8AM since she had an early appointment herself. So, I got to watch him on my own for about 3 hours and it was great! He is the best baby ever. He ended up taking a nap at about 9AM and only slept for maybe 10 or 15 minutes, then I fed him lunch and the Help Me Grow rep came at 11AM. After she left, at about noon, I got myself and my son ready to go out for a little while.

On a different note, I had not only forgotten about the Help Me Grow appointment, but also about his PT appointment. I can't wait until I get him back, I'll be able to keep track of all of our appointments like before and it won't be such a big mess like it is now.

The first place we went to was Giant Eagle, I had to exchange my nutritional supplement mix then buy sugar. After that, I went to visit my mother-in-law since I figure she would like to see her grandson before it gets too cold for me to go out walking again. She enjoyed seeing him and watching him take his second nap, which nicely lasted from 1PM to 2PM. While he was sleeping, I started getting him ready to go walk to his daddy's work, to wait and walk home with hubby at 3PM.

After my aunt dropped him off with me, I switched him back over to cloth diapers because I don't like wasting her disposables. It's always easier for me to just use the cloth since I can wash it and always have a ready supply. So, I had been diligently making sure that I was changing his diaper every two hours.

When we got to hubby's work, we showed our son off to his co-workers, then to the HR rep. Everyone loved him, expressed how adorable and big/tall he is. When they see how big he is compared to us, they always ask where he gets his height from. Well, it seems to be from grandfather-in-law on hubby's paternal side. Grandfather-in-law is approximately 7 feet tall! We are expecting our son to take after him, which will be awesome. Anyway, by the time I was able to change his diaper again, I had to switch him to disposables and had accidentally not changed him on time, so he leaked through his pants. I think my aunt doesn't like cloth because he leaked out of them? I don't know, but it's okay. I had meant to change him earlier than that but was not able to. I ended up putting him in a disposable so he could go with my aunt and I changed his pants because no one likes wearing wet pants in any kind of weather, let alone cold weather.

All in all, this was an awesome day. I can't wait to get him back home with us.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Praying for the Week After Next!

I'm so glad that my recovery is going so well. We may be getting our son back the week after next, it all depends on what my PM&R doctor says. Hopefully she's positive and says that it will be okay! I can't wait, I miss that little guy so much. I haven't taken full time care of him since 03/39/2012, except for maybe 2 days at most. I've missed just about all of his milestones and never experienced any of his firsts. It's awful and depressing.

The most depressing part is that I feel so distant from missing those steps and experiences. It's shameful that I feel that way, and I love him more than life itself! I feel like I'm going to be closer to my next child because I will do everything in my power not to miss anything like I did with our son--isn't that sad?! Logically, I know that I should not feel like that, that no matter what I will be equally close to all of my children and love them all the same. So, why do I feel like that? I am definitely going to try my hardest and work my best at not exhibiting those feelings or making any child feel less than the other.

Wow, just typing that all out, thinking about it and then rereading it, I feel like a complete jerk.

Hopefully the future is better and everything goes well for us. There has got to be more and better things out there that don't involve us being knocked down a peg or ten every other month.

As soon as I hear back from my SSD lawyer, I'll apply for college classes. I am dead-set on becoming a registered nurse. At the very most, I'm thinking nurse practitioner or go into a management field within nursing. I cannot wait to start that journey. How much worse could it get when I start trying to make our lives better? (Hopefully that isn't challenging the fates...)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Much Better

I'm doing much better, it's especially great that my OT thinks so too and expressed how quick I have recovered. She is very proud and impressed, she also said that she understands that this new push to get moving with my goals (my motivation) just had to come when I was ready, not just because I was doing better. That's great, you know.

We get to have our son home on the weekends, probably going to try Friday to Sunday this time. This is going to be fun, last weekend went very well so I'm excited to try a full 3 day, 2 night visit. He's such and awesome kid, I have pictures and video of his little cute self walking. I'm glad that this process of getting him back home is going so well and very quickly. I was actually getting depressed about not having him home until last month, probably because I wasn't as recovered as I am now.

I'm so awake now, even after only getting about four hours of sleep last night. The short sleep time was my fault, because I'm addicted to the internet and had so much "important" stuff to do...you know, stuff that I could have stopped doing at 11PM and picked back up later today. At least I'm not exhausted like I was as recently as two weeks ago. Hopefully the visits with him will go so well, we can have him home in 2 or 3 weeks!

Oh, gee, now I have to do some recipe research so that I make food for every meal so that I can feed our son. As it is right now, I only make dinner for hubby and snack throughout the day for myself.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

My Son Amazes Me Everyday

We had him this weekend and he is the best and cutest baby ever! He's started eating "real" food, not baby food, which is great. But, now I have to come up with menus for breakfast, lunch and dinner; just to make sure that I make things that he is able to eat. Right now, he has about six, maybe more teeth, which is awesome. One of the top teeth actually grew in over the last two weeks, so he's chewing better, especially with the chompers he's got in now. I'm thinking about making some grilled cheese sandwiches, I'm sure he'll like those. Otherwise, I'm cloth diapering him, since I have him with me and don't want to waste the sposies my aunt packed for me to use on him.

He's starting to try and walk farther and more independently than he was before, which is freaking great! I'm so proud of him, he's walking for a good ten or more steps now and standing up on his own with no problems. The determination and diligence that he's using and exhibiting is awesome. He's such and independent little guy. I'm sure that he's going to be way ahead on the milestone scale. He's much farther than I even imagined he'd get, way past the average that most kids achieve by his age.

Hopefully I'll be able to get him back home sooner. This weekend went so well, I got tired but not exhausted like I did a few weeks ago. I'm sure that hubby is surprised as well, although he's a bit frustrated because he's not used to being woken up at random hours of the night. I know that my son woke up several times because he's not used to our home anymore, which is fine. But, I know he'll settle down when we get to keep him over for more than just one night and definitely after we get to have him back home.

I'm going to get him ready to go back to my aunts, but I'm going to miss him so much until next weekend.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Excited

We get to watch our son this weekend! I'm so excited, I miss my little man. He's learning to walk, has already taken a few steps on his own...He just makes me so proud of him, every little thing he does, I am just amazed. I can't wait.

I don't even know what special things we can do while he's home, I'm so excited! I know he's just one year old, but...I don't know...I want to make it a special occasion. I've got to figure out what I'll be making for meals too, he's eating "real" food (you know, instead of baby food). So, I have to be careful what I make so that he can "chew" it with his five front teeth. I'm sure it'll be fine, I don't have much to worry about, I've seen him down big mouthfuls of food.

Maybe we'll get him walking independently this weekend? Hopefully, although I'm sure my aunt has been working on it with him, so I don't know if he's already doing that. Whatever.

I'm excited!!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My Car After the Accident and Towed to the Salvage Yard











<--- This one is a clip from the video. You can see where my blood splattered.

ETA: Apparently my car accident video was taken down or is too old to be seen by now? Freaking weird. Well, it existed...but I'm not sure how to find or get it online.

Might get my son back soon

My OT and I are working on bringing our son back home. This weekend will be the start of it, which I'm excited about. Since hubby is off on the weekends, I should feel more comfortable watching our son, especially since we are going to try one overnight. At first I was thinking that I should be fine with overnights from Friday until Sunday but that may be too much for me. My OT even said that we should take it slow and just do one overnight and see how it goes.

I'm so excited. I know that the last time we had him overnight, I got really stressed out, was not prepared for it at all and nowhere near ready. Hubby is actually quite nervous about getting our son overnight this weekend, he doesn't want me to yell or argue or be mean like what happened last time. I don't know how else to tell him that last time was different from this time, that I'll be prepared now and I actually know what's going on, completely different from what happened last time. I should be fine. I know that I'll be having him all day Saturday, then he will be staying overnight until Sunday and we will probably keep him for a good part of Sunday, too.

Hopefully the better I do with these overnights, the quicker we can bring our son home.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Injustice

That's not what I was expecting the outcome of the trial to feel like. I was hoping that I would feel a bit justified at the conclusion of the case. What's sad is that I don't feel that way. I feel like the sentence of the defendant does not justify what I have gone through as a result of the accident. I feel like nothing in regards to this situation is fair.

I know that life isn't fair. What the heck, though? My life gets completely knocked out of whack. I get set back for an extended period of time, I don't get to care for my son for more than 6 months and probably longer, but this guy... He gets let off easy? For what he did to me and my family? He gets an easy sentence just because it was "negligent assault"? I could have died, I could be a paraplegic, I could be in a vegetative state...I'm recovering from a brain injury, multiple bone fractures and have several scars, but this guy gets an easy sentence for causing all of that?

Wow.

Monday, September 24, 2012

College, RN?

Earlier this year, before the accident, I had been planning on attending college sometime this fall or even next spring. Unfortunately, as events played out, it was not possible. Last week, however, I started applying for colleges and calling them to varify information. Also, I called my attorney who is working on my SSD application to see if college would affect it's outcome. It's a good thing I'm thinking to tie up all the loose ends that I think of as the days go on. I'm glad I called to double check with my attorney.

My attorney said that college would affect my SSD application. That application/program/thing is for people who cannot work and college negates the "not able to work" reason. I have to wait until this case pans out, otherwise I will have to pay for the work that he's done out of my own empty pockets. Instead of continuing the application process for college, I'm going to focus on getting better and getting my son back. I need to write out a few things that need to get done so that I don't forget about them, for the most part I'm pretty set on my goals.

It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to major in, what I wanted to earn a degree in/as. In fact, I didn't set a determined field until last month. I was waffling between registered nurse, childcare and counselor. When I was younger, I wanted to be a teacher or a veterinarian but have changed my mind considerably on that end. I don't have the patience for a large group of other people's children and although I love animals, I don't have an interest in caring for them in that aspect. When it comes to counselor, I have found that the whole process of earning that degree is significantly more difficult than nursing. Also, counselors and psychotherapists do not get paid much.

I decided on registered nursing, but I've never been to college so I had no idea where to start this whole process. I asked some friends and they gave me some awesomely helpful but basic information. Then I called the colleges I was planning on attending and was able to come up with a process to achieve my goal. Now, I have to wait for the SSD case to settle out, but I know I'm prepared. I know that my credits from the college I will be attending first will transfer to the main university I plan to attend, so I am excited about that. I don't think that I will need to transfer those credits if I get licsensed as an RN first then go to the main university to acquire the RN to MSN degree I want/need. That will be a bridge I'll need to cross later, after becoming a liscensed RN.

I'm still waiting for a lot of things to finish up or pan out, hopefully it will all happen quickly and I'll be able to finish up the things that I wanted to start/do earlier this year.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Have to Set and Keep a Schedule

Last week, my occupational therapist (OT) was happy that I have a set goal to get my son back as soon as possible. She did recommend that I try and stick with my schedule so that I show improvement and that I can be and am responsible. I understand where she's coming from, how comfortable would any healthcare provider be if they let a patient take on a responsibility that they have the potential of failing. I know that during the week, after we wrote down "things to do", that I didn't keep to it. I ended up doing different things, that to me were "more important". I was supposed to walk for an hour once a day, to a specific place (hubby's work, the mall or the library). Instead, I cleaned the apartment again, filled out a FAFSA and applied for college. I also made a few calls to different colleges to double-check and confirm some information. My OT said that what I did was relevant and important but not what was on the schedule. Those things may be important, but I should have explained what I wanted to do instead of writing out random, unimportant things.

This next week, hopefully I can come up with things that I'm willing to follow through on. I would hate to fail every week, I want my son back soon, I need to focus and try harder. I'm not sure of everything that I want to do this week, though. Before my accident, I didn't come up with specific things to do each day, I just did what I wanted on a whim. I would write out things that were important that I needed to get done, like: appointments, when bills are due, work schedules, etc. I supposed that worked before my accident, but now I need to plan and write things out or I may forget.

Maybe this week will be a great change and I'll be able to get him much sooner than my OT believes.