Monday, August 21, 2017

08/21/2017 03:20

Well, the things I wanted to talk out were....

I want to go to school soon. I'm not sure if I should continue to forgo paying back my debts and pay back the school right away so that I can attend or pay my debts and then pay back the school, etc. It doesn't really matter one way or the other because neither way would be faster, so I suppose I'll continue paying off my debts first.

I still need to purchase furniture but I also want to pay off my debts. I should really focus and pay my debts then buy furniture.

I'm also hoping I can get my older son back. I miss him and it would be nice to have him home again.

Writing it out makes the whole process make more sense. I want to do all these things and I want them done fast but, no matter what, it's going to take time. I'm really stressed out about all of this because of time, wanting some things to move quick and the shear volume of it all.

Maybe I just need a really relaxing good night's sleep.

08/21/2017 03:08

Let's see....

I have three sons, although biologically it's only two. My third boy is the oldest and my fiancé's. He's a great kid. My baby was born May 2016. He's growing very fast. So far he's learned to walk and he was only 14 months. He's starting to talk, mostly baby babble with some words.

I started a new job February 2017, it's the same work as before just with better pay and benefits. I'm not fond of a lot of things within the company, but I'm persevering because I know I can go to school soon and I'll be able to advance my career, which means I don't have to deal with the stressful things for too long.

All in all things are looking up.

08/21/2017 02:53

I have a lot going through my mind and kind of wish I had someone's ear to vent to -- preferably someone who could lend advice -- as it is, I remember I have a blog so here I am again. There's really very little drama anymore, which is great. I mean, I'm still having some financial worries but I don't see that ever disappearing unless I start making six figures a year.

I'm depressed and it's mostly because I chose to save my sanity and not have contact with my ex-husband...the problem is that he has had our son this whole time and he's refused to give him back to me even though I have full custody (yes, I know all the legal jargon; you don't know all the details so it's a moot point to conjecture it). I know my son probably hates me and probably only understands the situation from the skewed perspective of his father. I have a feeling he's not in school, though he should've started preschool when he was four. More sad, more stress. I miss him and it's like "I should love him more than my need to not be stressed out by his father" and I wish that was the case. I just always hated feeling suicidal every single day and that's how I always felt, even right before, talking to my ex-husband. I haven't felt suicidal since cutting toxic people out of my life and he was one of them, which sadly made our son a casualty. The situation is going to get better, though.

Financially I'm a little stressed because I have debts to pay back. It's not as bad as before which is because I'm making better money now and have a spectacular support system. I know everything is going to be okay.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to start school soon and that will open doors to better employment. It's been five years since the accident and I'm finally at a point where I can continue what I had started to plan the very day the accident happened.

Sunday, November 1, 2015


Well, I think this'll be my last post. I'm not sure, I'm not too keen on coming back and posting. Basically everything that is going on is a repeat of the same drama and negative garbage. I seem to be in a constant rut, no matter how much or how many times I try and change the situation, something out of my control happens and pushes me back down.

So, there we have it. Thank you for keeping up. If I post again and you're still following: I assume you'll get a notification.

Thursday, July 30, 2015


Okay, so before I was going AMA and hadn't taken my medications since February. Recently (last week) I started taking my medication as directed, just so that my new psychiatrist can see how I do on them. I have been on this medication for about one week. One week. Psych meds are not typically to take affect so early...but they do with me.

Now, on this medication I am feeling depressed, despondent, hostile, angry, unhappy, sad, violent...all the negative and violent feelings...Up and down and up and down...constant, irritating, sudden. This is not helpful. I have never experienced this with any other medication.

I think I'm going to go AMA again. I'm not happy.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015


Nope nope nope. I won't speed. You can't make me. I will travel at or below the speed limit regardless of what you do.

You want to ride my bumper?
I'll maintain speed or, if I'm in a really bad mood I'll go slower.

You want to travel 100 MPH up until you get on my bumper and realize I haven't altered speed?
I'm still going to maintain speed.

You want to beep at me?
I'm still going to be maintaining speed.

There's an emergency vehicle flashing lights (and with the siren blaring)?
I'll be slowing down and pulling over.

Why am I going to be maintaining speed, slowing down or slowing down and pulling over?

Because: The law states you travel at or below the posted speed limit. You know what speed limit stands for? "Speed limit" means that is the maximum speed you are allowed to travel on that road, no more. So, yeah if you're going to be speeding around me, I'm going to be maintaining my speed at or below the speed limit.

Reading Comprehension

The act of understanding what you have just read.

This is a skill learned after phonics (a method of teaching people to read by correlating sounds with letters or groups of letters in an alphabetic writing system)--after one learns to read (phonics) they learn how to understand the words put together (comprehension). This skill is taught early in life: anywhere from four years old to 9 years old--and is a continuing process because new words and conjunctions are put together every day. Here is a decent website that I have found on reading comprehension:

To me, reading comprehension is important. One needs to be able to put the words together that they have read, understand their individual meanings and be able to construct what they all mean when put together. This is a very difficult process to teach and depending on the person: a very difficult thing to learn.

This brings me to the way that I speak and write. I do not use "words under the lines", I speak and write straightforward, which is difficult because everyone's perception is different. Even though what I speak or write has one specific meaning (to me) it could mean several different things to another person. That basic understanding of perception makes communication in both written and spoken word very difficult for me, because I generally like to use "big words" like "comprehension" or "conjunction" or "correlation" --to most people those are not big words but then you have a select few who cannot go further than "understand" or "union" or "link", even though they are synonymous: no one likes to use a thesaurus.

I do appreciate anyone and everyone who reads my blog. I write just in case my son wants a better understanding of what happened and what I went through...and the bonus is that other people get to read as well and garner insights so that they have a better understanding of how a TBI affects a person (specifically me, because TBIs affect everyone differently--please don't put what I am going through or doing or knowing on anyone you may know who has a TBI or yourself. When I write, I try and refrain from using harsh language, which had been brought to my attention a year or two ago--harsh language helps no one and makes a person (in my opinion) seem less educated when there is a plethora of words to use in the English language. If anyone has read from the beginning, you should notice a difference in my writing style, especially the words that I use. As I recover, I am getting back what I had learned early in life with regards to reading, writing, spelling, etc.

I do apologize if this blog entry seems pretentious and rude. This entry is specifically in reaction to comments that were attempted because of perceived insult. If you (general "you", by the way: no one specific) are having difficulty reading my blog or somehow become offended, I insist that you look into using a thesaurus and honing your reading comprehension skills. Otherwise, comment for clarification, specify how and where, so that I can edit the entry in question.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Here we go...

Okay, so I have the last two blog posts completed but I'm not comfortable publishing them just yet. Otherwise, something happened yesterday that I'm very miffed about.

My son is a morning person and generally wakes up anywhere from 4AM to 8AM. I guess he woke up very early yesterday and didn't try to wake anyone up (I'm guessing that he was nervous or afraid to wake anyone because he didn't want to get yelled at). Since he didn't wake any one, no responsible adult was up to supervise him and he went and played in the bathroom--where the sink was clogged so it overflowed and the bathroom flooded.

He was punished and since (I guess) a spanking and lecture weren't enough, that he also couldn't go swimming. Mind you my son is three years old right now and no one was awake to supervise him. In my mind, my son is being punished for being three years old--for doing something that he would not have done had an adult been awake and supervising him. It really makes me upset when he is getting punished (so severely) for something that isn't even his fault.

So. I took him swimming.

In my opinion, you can't get mad at a kid for doing something you could have prevented (just by being awake). And, to top it off: I'm being complained at that my three year old son should have known to stay in bed and wait for someone to get up....That he should know his daddy's sleep schedule and abide by it. Seriously. I'm being told that my three year old son is supposed to be responsible for another person's (an adult, mind you) sleep schedule.

Okay. I'm done. I'm still a bit upset but: This too shall pass.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Relationships (circa 2014-16)

Well. When I began this blog, I was married to my now ex-husband and then life happened. The biggest problem was (and, at the moment, still is) money; we were poor, then the accident happened and we became destitute. Even though everyone says that money cannot bring happiness, it does seem to be a key factor in keeping stress down thus helping relationships remain intact.

Ever since (even before) the accident, I have been trying to earn a degree to become a nurse. I have been working very hard to get to a better position in life, a place where I don't have to worry about whether I can get gas for my car or if I can pay a bill or if something is going to get shut off. With my settlement, I was able to maintain our bills up until the near end of our lease. Anyway, because I'm focusing on building my future, I haven't really built on any intimate relationships (contrary to popular belief).

I reconnected with my best friend from elementary school and she has been amazing; I cannot believe that we have known each other for over twenty years. Throughout this ordeal, I have made several friends and lost a few others. All of the friends that I have are amazing and offer me a lot of support, although most of them I met through the internet and it's difficult to connect because they have lives and are busy (which obviously I'm okay with!).

To elaborate on intimate relationships: this is a personal topic that I won't go into detail about. I am focusing on building my future.

While all of this is going on (working, attempting to go to college, maintaining friendships, etc.), I have been spending a lot of time with my son. I can't spend everyday all day with him, but I get to see him multiple times a week which is better than nothing at all. Before I got my car, we would take the bus and just travel around the city. Now that I have my car, we are able to go much further and do more. So far, we have gone swimming almost every weekend and a few weekdays. I'm planning on taking him to the zoo, Kiddie Park and a few museums too.

That is how things are going regarding relationships in my life right now.

Finances (circa ~2015)

I am not going to give anyone numbers or the exact details of my circumstances. You get generalities, that is it.

When I received my settlement around February 2013 I was able to purchase a lot of things to make our (my family and I) lives stable and set. We had my truck, a home (for at least one-year upfront), furniture and each other. I had goals when these things were bought. I had expectations. I thought that I had been clear and I thought that everything was going to be okay.

Life happens.

I was unable to get back in to what I had been doing right before the accident and I was unable to find a job that I was satisfied with and paid well. I tried college several times since and because of childcare issues I failed miserably--none of which was my son's fault, just to be clear. Our lease ran out before I was able to get, find and keep a job that would allow us to continue where we were. I had to sell just about everything that was bought with my settlement--mostly so that I didn't have much to move with me and partly to have money enough to pay the bills.

Thus began my homelessness. I was able to find shelter at friend's homes with my son but temporary stays do not qualify as "home". If you don't know by now: my husband and I separated and divorced. I was able to get hired at several places, but I either wasn't comfortable working there or the distance was too much or the hours were wonky. Basically, I was homeless and even though I did have a job I was so poor that I was basically jobless.

I made friends with someone who felt compassion towards me and offered me a home for at least the year. Even though this is a temporary situation, I'm doing so much better: I can plan out, I can move forward. I now have decent paying work with potential for more and better work. I have the potential to get my own apartment and not just a one-bedroom either.

My truck (2006 Ford Expedition) was totaled on Black Friday 2014. I was travelling the speed limit on the main road and the vehicle that collided with mine was exiting a parking lot. The light I was passing under blinked yellow (as it's permanently set to) and the light the other vehicle passed under was blinking red (as it's permanently set to). My truck's too sad to even explain how my truck got hit hard by a sedan. A sedan totaled my truck.

With the money from insurance, I bought a 2006 Hyundai Sonata. I didn't like it. I felt pressured and wheedled throughout the entire transaction--and it was not the sales representative that made me feel that way. This was early December 2014 and the rear suspension rusted and cracked out around February 2015. I lost out on that car and the insurance...everything. That was a completely wasted moment and if I weren't so forgiving, I'd still be lamenting it.

It took me quite a while to be able to purchase the vehicle I currently have, but I was able to do it. I have to make payments and there's insurance and maintenance but I have transportation now... So, yay?

Oh, and college? I'll be able to start that up again as soon as I get things settled out and more stable over here.